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 Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 11:25 am
In the seat of the sun
I show you;
The seat of the sun.
In hopes,
That you will come to me.
I watch;
Sadley, as you turn away,
Scornful,
Of me, of the sun.
I look sadley at you. Hoping.
You shake your head, a firm no.
Sadley i raise my hand.
And give the motion..
I turn away, unable to look longer.
And to this day;
I remember,
You turning your back on the sun,
Your scornful face,
And i remember...
...your haunting scream,
As a thousand sun-arrow's pierce your back.
And once again i wish;
That you had come to the light,
And not stayed in the dark.
And i remember...
....your haunting scream.
It echos in my brain,
and haunts my every step...
And i wish.
I wish that...
...You had accepted the sun.
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Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 8:26 pm
That was sad, but it could also be liberating...not so much the heartbreaker I expected. I'll give it an 8/10. It was flawless, although the flow could have been better. But the poem was awesomely written...planned.
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Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 12:05 pm
This was a nice poem. The flow was good, although some parts don't click as well as others. I only really caught one spelling error, but it was continuous, which leads me to believe that it was intentional, or you just didn't recognize it. Sadly has no e in it, if it wasn't intentional. Keep up the good writing.
Happy Scribing,
:Nesce.:
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 3:01 am
That was really good! I especially liked the repitition of the haunting scream, as if it really is haunting. um.... 8? Maybe 8.5/10, like the others have commented it's only the flow which really needs work. Superb writing, v. well done.
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Posted: Sun Oct 09, 2005 8:33 am
Yes,this is a nice poem.It doesn't have many errors in it,but you do know that the i's in the poem are supposed to be 'I' instead of 'i',right?Unless if you wanted it that way....
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Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 11:00 am
I liked it, but yeah..
It doesn't flow quite smoothly...
Ummm... 8/10? 8.25? somthin' like that.
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Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 1:21 pm
Thanks,everyone ^^ (Im not that good of a speller O.O)
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