Mmk, so I'll finally write my life story.
Or at least, TRY to.
Get ready for the wall of text! As so many other people like to say. xD;
Okay so~
I was born on April 10th, 1995.
My dad was and is an alcoholic and smoker. He did weed until I was... 7? I don't know.
My mom had horrible problems with depression and cutting for a looooong time, thus it had passed on to me. x_x
We weren't very well off financially. Not then, not now.
So I pretty much had one friend, Shelby. Still friends with her, I think. xD She was NUTS. I think one of her parents was in jail for a few years for drug dealing. We had all sorts of fun together, and got into trouble at times. Like one time I remember it was Halloween night, or around Halloween, and these guys were driving by in a truck T.Ping houses and they tossed toilet paper at us. We were both on the sidewalk, flashing them pretty much. xD We were like, 5 at the time, I can't remember. Someone called the police on us and we had to be taken to her house. I remember being scolded pretty badly by my mom. xD;;
My my grandma, my dad's mom, was living with us. She had diabetes, which pretty much was the thing that killed her. She died when I was 5.
After that the already horrible relationship between my parents worsened. They fought often, yelling and screaming, sometimes hitting each other. I remember once I woke up and I found my dad choking my mom.
When I was 7, my mom packed up and left. We lived in a trailer for about um... 2 years. In the trailer park I met my new friend, Josie. I haven't talked with her in YEARS.
With Josie we uh... experimented. That's kind of what opened me up to being pansexual, I guess. Her parents hated me. x_x;
So then we moved out of the trailer and into the house we're in now. We've been here for... almost five years.
I was in fourth grade when we moved here. I was EXTREEEEEEEEEMELY shy and I had HORRIBLE social skills. Luckily though around Christmas, my current best friend Stephanie had to get this cheap Christmas thing for me, and that's how we became friends. She was "kind of" friends with my other current friend Elizabeth, and that's how I became friends with her. I decided I had a HUGE crush on this guy, Hunter from beginning of fourth grade until about the beginning of 6th grade.
Okay, well, entering 5th grade. I got extremely depressed. Why? I'm not sure. I think it was because my older sister treated me no less than s**t and was constantly fighting with me. Physical, verbal, whatever. She'd been doing that for as long as I can remember. And only on me, no one else. At that time I was kind of a "walking time bomb" as I had called it. The littlest things could set me off, and my reactions would be disastrous. Many, many times I'd pick up a knife and just threaten to kill someone or kill myself. And I remember once locking myself in the bathroom about to swallow a bottle of pills, and they stopped me.
So sometime in the midst of it all, I wrote a letter to Stephanie and Elizabeth explaining what was going on and gave it to them at school, but a teacher noticed. I started crying and they made me go talk to the school social worker, and she got me into counseling. I'd been in counseling before, for a more mild depression I think, for the same causes. My sister abusing me. My first counselor I met with when I was.... 7 I think? Since then I've been seeing counselors on and off.
I didn't cut, though. Didn't have the courage to. I'd always hesitate. So then I got better in... 6th grade I think. But then it was kind of like a roller coaster. I'd be fine, and then I'd be horrible, and by the time they'd put me back in counseling I'd be fine again, and it was just nuts. x_x
So last year it got REALLY bad. Last year was the worst year of my entire ******** LIFE. Last year I was in 7th grade. My grades sucked, I was sick a lot, and life was just AWFUL. I picked up scratching myself with pencils and paper clips to tide me over. It helped quite a bit..
Mom had put me back in counseling around the beginning of 7th grade, and I managed to worm out of it around last March. And I was okay until around the middle of summer. Then things got absolutely horrifying for me.
I was paranoid all the time. I always felt empty, like there was a big black hole sucking up everything inside me. And I felt angry. Very, very angry. In fact, I wanted to kill something. Someone. No specific person or thing, just something in general. I remember being on here for a looooong time, talking to a few of my friends in Cards, and suddenly I got very, very angry. I said I was going outside for a bit to cool down. But before leaving, I took out my BB gun and was aiming at birds and such. I ALMOST shot one. ALMOST. I ended up shooting the fruits in the trees in my yard instead.
If I was left alone to my thoughts for even 30 minutes at a time, I'd get empty and angry. Lifeless. I wanted to do nothing but stew in my thoughts and be angry and empty.
And then school started. That helped a LOT, because it occupied my mind and didn't let my thoughts wander much. Though occasionally I'd be alone and I'd get that empty, angry feeling and I'd just sit and stare with either a death glare or a lifeless look.
Second day of school, I broke down. I was freaking out, I didn't want to be around people because I was feeling so angry and I felt so dangerous to everyone around me, including myself. I was so scared that I would snap and just go crazy and hurt someone. I felt that I should be put in homeschooling or something.
My mom kept me out of school for the day and set up an appointment with my doctor. My doctor somehow found out I was suicidal and set me up with a counselor IMMEDIATELY. So now I've got a counselor again.
I really dislike counseling, because I've had such bad experiences with it in the past.
So um... about 2 weeks ago I broke down and told my mom to put me in a hospital because I was feeling so unsafe. Again. I was feeling awful.
She waited until the next day to ask about putting me in a hospital. And they ended up putting me in one.
I had to wait in the ER for TEN ******** HOURS -JUST- to be admitted into the hospital and driven there. It was two hours away from where I live. D<
I got there around 3:30 AM. They made me take a shower and go to bed. Yadda yadda yadda, I made friends, had group therapy, felt extremely depressed, cut myself with various random sharp objects found in odd places, got in trouble, got better, was put on anti-depressants, had friends leave, made new friends, exchanged emails, went home. After being there for 8 days, I went home.
I feel better now. Not as good as I did when I was in the hospital, but still good. Today I had a really low point, and then I just picked up one of my paper clips and started scratching the hell out of my arms and legs and various other places. And then I got the courage to use a knife...
So I'm getting a bit worse, and I hope the medicine will start working soon. I need it to, I don't want to be depressed.
So, um. Yeah.
I guess that's it.
>_>
OH AND
Last year, a little less than a year ago my Dad moved back in with us, and he's moving out tonight. He's found a trailer to live in and he's spending the night there tonight.
I'm gonna miss him. ;-;
Daaaamn.
Wall of text.
That was long.
x_x
Or at least, TRY to.
Get ready for the wall of text! As so many other people like to say. xD;
Okay so~
I was born on April 10th, 1995.
My dad was and is an alcoholic and smoker. He did weed until I was... 7? I don't know.
My mom had horrible problems with depression and cutting for a looooong time, thus it had passed on to me. x_x
We weren't very well off financially. Not then, not now.
So I pretty much had one friend, Shelby. Still friends with her, I think. xD She was NUTS. I think one of her parents was in jail for a few years for drug dealing. We had all sorts of fun together, and got into trouble at times. Like one time I remember it was Halloween night, or around Halloween, and these guys were driving by in a truck T.Ping houses and they tossed toilet paper at us. We were both on the sidewalk, flashing them pretty much. xD We were like, 5 at the time, I can't remember. Someone called the police on us and we had to be taken to her house. I remember being scolded pretty badly by my mom. xD;;
My my grandma, my dad's mom, was living with us. She had diabetes, which pretty much was the thing that killed her. She died when I was 5.
After that the already horrible relationship between my parents worsened. They fought often, yelling and screaming, sometimes hitting each other. I remember once I woke up and I found my dad choking my mom.
When I was 7, my mom packed up and left. We lived in a trailer for about um... 2 years. In the trailer park I met my new friend, Josie. I haven't talked with her in YEARS.
With Josie we uh... experimented. That's kind of what opened me up to being pansexual, I guess. Her parents hated me. x_x;
So then we moved out of the trailer and into the house we're in now. We've been here for... almost five years.
I was in fourth grade when we moved here. I was EXTREEEEEEEEEMELY shy and I had HORRIBLE social skills. Luckily though around Christmas, my current best friend Stephanie had to get this cheap Christmas thing for me, and that's how we became friends. She was "kind of" friends with my other current friend Elizabeth, and that's how I became friends with her. I decided I had a HUGE crush on this guy, Hunter from beginning of fourth grade until about the beginning of 6th grade.
Okay, well, entering 5th grade. I got extremely depressed. Why? I'm not sure. I think it was because my older sister treated me no less than s**t and was constantly fighting with me. Physical, verbal, whatever. She'd been doing that for as long as I can remember. And only on me, no one else. At that time I was kind of a "walking time bomb" as I had called it. The littlest things could set me off, and my reactions would be disastrous. Many, many times I'd pick up a knife and just threaten to kill someone or kill myself. And I remember once locking myself in the bathroom about to swallow a bottle of pills, and they stopped me.
So sometime in the midst of it all, I wrote a letter to Stephanie and Elizabeth explaining what was going on and gave it to them at school, but a teacher noticed. I started crying and they made me go talk to the school social worker, and she got me into counseling. I'd been in counseling before, for a more mild depression I think, for the same causes. My sister abusing me. My first counselor I met with when I was.... 7 I think? Since then I've been seeing counselors on and off.
I didn't cut, though. Didn't have the courage to. I'd always hesitate. So then I got better in... 6th grade I think. But then it was kind of like a roller coaster. I'd be fine, and then I'd be horrible, and by the time they'd put me back in counseling I'd be fine again, and it was just nuts. x_x
So last year it got REALLY bad. Last year was the worst year of my entire ******** LIFE. Last year I was in 7th grade. My grades sucked, I was sick a lot, and life was just AWFUL. I picked up scratching myself with pencils and paper clips to tide me over. It helped quite a bit..
Mom had put me back in counseling around the beginning of 7th grade, and I managed to worm out of it around last March. And I was okay until around the middle of summer. Then things got absolutely horrifying for me.
I was paranoid all the time. I always felt empty, like there was a big black hole sucking up everything inside me. And I felt angry. Very, very angry. In fact, I wanted to kill something. Someone. No specific person or thing, just something in general. I remember being on here for a looooong time, talking to a few of my friends in Cards, and suddenly I got very, very angry. I said I was going outside for a bit to cool down. But before leaving, I took out my BB gun and was aiming at birds and such. I ALMOST shot one. ALMOST. I ended up shooting the fruits in the trees in my yard instead.
If I was left alone to my thoughts for even 30 minutes at a time, I'd get empty and angry. Lifeless. I wanted to do nothing but stew in my thoughts and be angry and empty.
And then school started. That helped a LOT, because it occupied my mind and didn't let my thoughts wander much. Though occasionally I'd be alone and I'd get that empty, angry feeling and I'd just sit and stare with either a death glare or a lifeless look.
Second day of school, I broke down. I was freaking out, I didn't want to be around people because I was feeling so angry and I felt so dangerous to everyone around me, including myself. I was so scared that I would snap and just go crazy and hurt someone. I felt that I should be put in homeschooling or something.
My mom kept me out of school for the day and set up an appointment with my doctor. My doctor somehow found out I was suicidal and set me up with a counselor IMMEDIATELY. So now I've got a counselor again.
I really dislike counseling, because I've had such bad experiences with it in the past.
So um... about 2 weeks ago I broke down and told my mom to put me in a hospital because I was feeling so unsafe. Again. I was feeling awful.
She waited until the next day to ask about putting me in a hospital. And they ended up putting me in one.
I had to wait in the ER for TEN ******** HOURS -JUST- to be admitted into the hospital and driven there. It was two hours away from where I live. D<
I got there around 3:30 AM. They made me take a shower and go to bed. Yadda yadda yadda, I made friends, had group therapy, felt extremely depressed, cut myself with various random sharp objects found in odd places, got in trouble, got better, was put on anti-depressants, had friends leave, made new friends, exchanged emails, went home. After being there for 8 days, I went home.
I feel better now. Not as good as I did when I was in the hospital, but still good. Today I had a really low point, and then I just picked up one of my paper clips and started scratching the hell out of my arms and legs and various other places. And then I got the courage to use a knife...
So I'm getting a bit worse, and I hope the medicine will start working soon. I need it to, I don't want to be depressed.
So, um. Yeah.
I guess that's it.
>_>
OH AND
Last year, a little less than a year ago my Dad moved back in with us, and he's moving out tonight. He's found a trailer to live in and he's spending the night there tonight.
I'm gonna miss him. ;-;
Daaaamn.
Wall of text.
That was long.
x_x
KILL. REPEAT.
