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 Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 12:39 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Wed Oct 26, 2005 2:15 pm
That excerpt sounds good, but it seems to introduce Adam and kill him too quickly. Showing his charactersitics in that he fought bravely for saving the ship is a great touch, but add some more in the beginning about him in general. Overall, that was great work. If you post more, I'll be sure to read it.
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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 6:56 pm
It sound good but I would explain why he didn't jump form the crow's nest and swim to them, and why they didn't go back for him. I think Merenwen is right, you should have Adem be in the story longer or have him do have drowned and come back years latter or somthing.
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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 8:14 am
Hey, let's see what we got here! Quote: it all ended one fateful day . This line suggests a traditional method of telling stories. I guess in this dayandage you don't need to tell us this, we such be able to deduce in from the story.Quote: When Terin was 14 years old, a battle broke out over the seas. Quote: The British Navy had located their ship and launched a fleet of vessels to attack. Adam and Terin were out on deck playing cards when the first cannon launched. Quote: The enemy swung onto deck and killed everyone they could Quote: but at the time, nothing mattered . Other than nothing mattered you could han't said he had no other chose. Even tough everyone else is dead that doesn't me he, himself whats to die.At first it seemed boring and the lack of detail did nothing for my entertainment, but towards the end you began to get into the story and make for an intersting read. It's okay as it is but try and make the beginning more heartbreaking, and also try not to rush it.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 12:10 pm
Because this is just a bit of a story I know that it's meant to end suddenly and without a definate ending, but it seemed to end too quickly for me. Also, we didn't really know Adam long enough to feel bad for him when he died.
Still, the style is good and the punctuation was used correctly. You should post more once you have an idea what you're going to do with this story!
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 1:46 pm
I believe that you need to give more detail in the beginning, it seems like you were struggling to introduce the characters, but once you had them out there you were quick to build a story around them, although I feel you also ended quite quickly. All in all, I believe more detail is called for.
However, puncuation and grammar was great
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