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A Paladin's Tale

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Neil Venson

PostPosted: Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:17 am


(For the recored, this is my very first story posted on Gaia, please critic)


Prolouge


In the Order, the master had to find the student, and the master ultimately ended up saving the young boy’s life. This is one of those stories, a story about a Paladin looking for one last boy to teach his ways of the Paladin.

The boy lost his family at a very young age. His village was lit a fire on the day of his older sister’s birthday. The boy was a safe distance away working for a farmer for his sister’s birthday present.
The raiders flowed through the north gate and exited the south, like they were passing through. The boy heard people from his village scream, and he rushed to save his family. Though he was far too late to save his family, he caught a slow bandit that seemed injured. The boy took a sword of a fallen Town Guard and killed the bandit, until he felt it was good to stop. The boy took the sword with him, and followed the bandits.

The boy was smart enough not to just run in and kill the bandit, his revenge would not feel so sweet. He wanted help, but no one would help him. The boy would finally become impatient and set out to be killed, easily.

It had only been six months since the horrible fire that still haunted the boy’s dreams. He had located the bandit camp, and set up camp himself at a safe distance as he waited for the light to return to the earth. When the time did come, he traveled through the woods with high anger and revenge.

The boy climbed up into a large tree over looking the camp. The camp was nothing more than bandits lying around; maybe a tent or two in the far eastern corner of the camp, but that was it. The boy readied his boy, his aim was horrid, for that fact that he was shaking so badly and his young age of eleven. The boy took aim at a random bandit, he pulled back the arrow; his anger was getting the better of him. But a shinning light blinked the right corner of his eye.

It came from the same corner that contained the tents, he noticed a man in chains, the man had white hair, and armor that shined off anything. The man looked like a holy warrior that he had only heard stories about, powerful stories. Then the boy had an idea, he would save the man, and they would raise an army together, and kill every bandit in the world. The boy jumped out of the tree, and skimmed the outskirts of the camp at a very fast pasted scale.

He ended up behind one of the tents behind the man in the white armor. He crawled on his stomach and looked around. He couldn’t see inside the tents, but outside, no bandit in site. Then the boy noticed that the man was chained to nothing, they had to be on him, because they knew he had no energy left. So even if the boy saved him, it would also be the boy carrying the extra weight all the way back to the town.

The man in white could hear the boy walking in the bushes, his hearing was his best sense, since his eye sight was horrid. His first though was it was an enemy bandit, trying to kidnap him again, he had been only but a treasure for these bandits. Then he heard the sound oh his breath, it was young, and still at the same time the man could feel his energy, it was very powerful. A young boy with such power could be renowned as a Paladin one day. If this boy could save him, they would get to now each other very well.

The boy had no choice; he did not want the man to suffer the fate of his family, or the town. The man lay, with his head down, and the rest of his body not even trying to sustain life. The boy leaned as far as he could and whispered into the man’s ear.
“Don’t worry, I’ll save you.” The boy then grabbed the shoulders of the man and slowly pulled him into the forest with him.

The process was long and painful; it took him a long while just to pull himself into the forest. Now it was the man’s turn. The boy glanced up at the campsite, bandits were gathering, and then a leader raised his sword and pointed north, towards the entrance.
“Seems, they’re going on another raid.” The boy whispered into the man’s ear.
The man chuckled, enough for both the boy and the man to completely stop what they were doing. The leader was still in his same position. Then he turned, he did not look like the rest of the bandits, he was a giant compared to them. His reddish eyes grew wide, and he drew his long, demonist claymore.

The boy at the instant grabbed for his sword, but then put it back; he need to run, leave the man behind, but a feeling of hope overwhelmed him. The leader was close now, his right eye was swelling and his chin looked to be swelling, but it wasn’t, it was just naturally ugly. The boy drew his sword and stood in front of the man. He took his stance and waited.

The man smiled, its sad the boy had no idea that, thanks to him they both would be safe soon, but the man would have to act, when the boy’s adrenaline was at its peak. It was at that point far before the man had expected, so the man hurried and grabbed the boys shoulder. They boy dropped his stance and closed his eyes, passing out instantly, but still remained standing, due to the man’s grip.

A whitish aura formed around the both of them, the Leader’s sword tried to cut through the Aura. It failed, send him and his own sword flying a few hundred feet. By this time the rest of the camp attempted charging at them. The man would have already vanished, since he would have used his own adrenaline, but since he was using the boy’s, he had no idea when it would die down. Only a few moments after that thought, it did. The army of bandits surrounded them, and then, they vanished.



Chapter 1
The Apprentice




Today the boy would graduate onto his second year of teaching. His master Warren had been teaching the boy as best as he could for the past year, and it has been a most painful year for the master. The boy had what was needed to become a Paladin, and a hero. He also had the ability to be very annoying as well. The boy was too young to enter the order, but Warren insisted that he be trained. The boy had saved Warren’s life, once and only once, that is the most anyone has saved Warren’s life, and he would make sure the boy became at least a Paladin.

The Boy, also known as Leon, lived in the local library owned by a old man named Yin. This library is the center of all Paladins’ teachings. Every Paladin would be spending as much time with his master as well as in this Library. It would help Leon even more to be living in this library twenty-four-seven. Yin was a very old very wise wizard, but he was not allowed to use magic in the presence of apprentices. Yin could feel the power within Leon; he would make a great Paladin, an even better hero.

Although his past was behind him, he could still feel the fire burning and killing the people he loved in the depths of his mind. Yin could feel his pain; often Yin would contact Leon’s Master and discuss them. Leon’s master, also known as Waren, was one of the greatest. He was a living legend and his prime was behind him. Waren knew that he needed to pass his teachings on to an apprentice, since he had never had one.

Today, no ceremony would take place, due to that fact that Warren wanted to keep Leon isolated from other people, as much as possible. It kept him from hurting himself and others, and it kept him concentrated. Today for the first time he would be shown the power within himself. But at the same time, Waren had not somehow defeated the rage inside of the boy. As a master Paladin, he had never dealt with anything such as important as this before.

Waren took Leon to the very top of his tower; the entire tower belonged to Waren. This is where Warren and Leon would spend most of their time becoming Master and Apprentice. Waren took the morning teaching the boy the basic of spells.
“Leon, my boy.” Waren took out a ruler and smacked it against a chalk bored, pointing to a drawing with definitions of words.
“You will be learning what magic is and how it is to be here for us to use in this world.” Waren said again, this time lowering the ruler and erasing everything off the bored.
Waren then took chalk in his old experienced hands and wrote the word ‘Fate’ on the bored. He then circled it four times. Waren dropped the chalk, and it dissolved before it hit the ground. Leon’s eyes had never seen such things he could not even start to understand how that just happened.

“You see, my apprentice, the energy that is within you, such as your spirit, your soul and many other things that you will learn on your own you have.” Waren put his hands behind his back and another piece of chalk appeared in his hands without Leon noticing.
“Is incredibly powerful, for you at such a young age, and the fact you have never seen magic in your life.” Waren then took the chalk and placed it on Leon’s desk.
Leon did not dare touch the chalk, he feared his would ruin his master’s teachings; he just looked upon it with great ambition.
“Crush it….” Waren said glaring down at Leon with a stare that had made undead cower in fear.
Leon did, without hesitation and crushed the chalk to a pulp.
“Now what master?” Leon asked dusting his hands into the air.
“Just watch…” Waren grabbed the dust of chalk and blew it into the air; the dust did not stay together after that.
It traveled through out the room, as a mist, on and off Leon could see it. Then the mist landed back in Waren’s hand collecting itself into its solid form again. Leon was speechless, and was ready to learn.
“Let’s begin…” Waren smiled.


Waren decided to teach the young boy a spell that would not just teach him magic, but one spell that would test every single part of him, making him an all-around fighter at his young age. Waren’ spell of choice was the invisible spell. It was incredible simple to cast on oneself. But onto anther took years of practice.

Leon took well to the first spell, but he soon learned that it made him incredibly slow. It drained his energy fast, and yet he still remained invisible. It took Waren at least three times to get the spell right when he was an apprentice. Leon achieved it during his second time. Waren gave Leon praised and looked back into his spell book for another spell to practice on while he was in his weak state.

Leon ran and hid in another room away from Warren. By the time Waren had found his spell Leon was no longer in the room. Waren felt his energy gone, and he knew he was still in the tower. Warren had feared that he would never be able to find Leon and he would eventually die from exhaustion. Warren had enough of this, he used a spell that Leon would have eventually used, but Warren feared he would use it to extend his annoying behavior to everyone. It was known as the ‘Yell Spell’. Waren’s voice was now extremely loud; he would easily be heard by Leon and everyone else in the area. Still he needed to find Leon fast, he had no choice.

“..... AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG!!!!” Waren’s voice shook the tower radiantly.
“You damned apprentice!! I know you are up to something.” Waren paused for a second.
“I can hear your breathing!!!!!!! Where are you?? Say something!!!! You're driving me CRAAAAZY!” Waren then took off the spell and waited.
Waren left the door open, even if Leon didn’t make a sound when he entered the room, Waren would still feel his presence. Waren stood to the left of the door. As soon as Leon would enter Waren would give his apprentice a good smack on the head.

Leon walked up the stairs, shaking with fear. He had never seen or heard his master this angry. Leon’s energy was fading; he was using all of his energy just to walk up the stairs. He saw the door to the top room of Warren’s study open; no doubt would Warren be waiting for him. He feared that if he made any noise he would be dead. Since he also didn’t know how to cancel this spell, he would also die if he didn’t seek his master’s guidance.

Leon entered the room, as quiet as he possibly could. He was not yet in range of the hilt of Warren’s blade. Leon took another step and he heard the sound of a blade quickly being pulled out and swung. Leon ducked, but Warren’s hilt was coming downward towards Leon’s head. It was a direct and critical hit, not hard enough to break skin, but since Leon had no energy left, he passed out. Waren did not hesitate and canceled the spell that Leon was currently loosing his life to. He placed his sword on his desk and kneed down near the unconscious Leon.

“Young apprentice, the moral of today’s teachings is this:” Waren brushed back Leon’s hair and lifted him off the ground. “Sometimes a silent apprentice is more terrifying than an apprentice when he opens his mouth without thinking.”
Warren chuckled and placed him and tucked him into his bed for the next few hours.
“Sleep well my apprentice, this is only the beginning.”


(Edit: i posted it to soon, this is a more detailed version of what i just posted, Enjoy!!)
PostPosted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 12:05 pm


I had a really hard time following this piece. One moment the boy's running through the woods, the next he's fighting a horde of bandits with nothing but a bow and arrow in front of a paladin with shimmering armor and a demon sword. It was very confusing (and the incorrect syntax and tenses made it even more difficult to read). You have a fascinating idea here, it was depressing to read, however, because it felt as if you rushed through a great deal of it. Mark Twain once said that writing written without effort is read without pleasure. Perhaps this is one of those examples. I feel as if I'm putting more effort into my response than you did in your entire excerpt.

There was also far too much telling in the story. If you did more showing: more description, more imagery, and established the mood and the personal tone in your writing, it would be much easier (and more enjoyable) to read. There were very few areas in your story in which you needed to do telling, a great deal of what you were writing should most logically be written with the 'showing' style that was lacking.

((By the way, please don't think I'm attacking you, I'm just trying to give you the most constructive criticism I can.)) heart


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SweetLittleSoul

PostPosted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 2:00 pm


Reks Von Snow
In the Order, the master had to find the student, and the master ultimately ended up saving the young boy’s life. This is one of those stories, a story about a Paladin looking for one last boy to teach his ways of the Paladin.

This is a tad repetitive, the last part 'of the Paladin.'

The boy lost his family at a very young age. His village was lit a fire on the day of his older sister’s birthday. The boy was a safe distance away working for a farmer for his sister’s birthday present.

Here, you're being too blunt. You need to lengthen it and describe everything.

The raiders flowed through the north gate and exited the south, like they were passing through. The boy heard people from his village scream, and he rushed to save his family. Though he was far too late to save his family, he caught a slow bandit that seemed injured. The boy took a sword of a fallen Town Guard and killed the bandit, until he felt it was good to stop. The boy took the sword with him, and followed the bandits.

I don't think 'town guard' needs to be capitalized, but maybe this is one of those stories where jobs are of such importance that they're capitalized. Nevertheless, you were slightly more descriptive of how the bandits invaded, but you failed to elaborate how the boy killed the bandits, where the guard spontaneously came from, what happened to his family, how he killed the bandit, how he felt when he ran over and saw his family dead or when he killed the bandit, etc. Wait a minute, did he even do anything to the bandit? Was this bandit for the purpose of following the group or did the boy kill him??

The boy was smart enough not to just run in and kill the bandit, his revenge would not feel so sweet. He wanted help, but no one would help him. The boy would finally become impatient and set out to be killed, easily.

The constant use of 'the boy' is already starting to irk me. Plus, you didn't explain how the boy killed the bandit or what he was feeling. Apparently, he was smart to not rush in heedlessly, because we all know that after you find your family dead, your head tends to be level and your thinking unclouded by sorrow or revenge or anger, but we don't even know what he did! I don't understand how the boy would set out to be killed, what he was impatient for, and how no one could help him. Was there no one else in the area or were the other people too busy running away? What help does he need, anyway? To fight? Is he injured and needs medical attention?

It had only been six months since the horrible fire that still haunted the boy’s dreams. He had located the bandit camp, and set up camp himself at a safe distance as he waited for the light to return to the earth. When the time did come, he traveled through the woods with high anger and revenge.

By the sounds of it, it's been six months since the nightmares, but not the incident. Oh, finally, some emotion!! Yay! But why did he wait six months for light to return?? Is he in the South Pole or something?

The boy climbed up into a large tree over looking the camp. The camp was nothing more than bandits lying around; maybe a tent or two in the far eastern corner of the camp, but that was it. The boy readied his boy, his aim was horrid, for that fact that he was shaking so badly and his young age of eleven. The boy took aim at a random bandit, he pulled back the arrow; his anger was getting the better of him. But a shinning light blinked the right corner of his eye.

'Overlooking' is a single word. The boy readied his what?! How come he has a boy weapon?!? I hope you meant 'bow' instead, though I wonder what happened to his sword. You could have reworded the sentence about his aim and the boy and his age so that it would flow better. Why did he choose that random bandit, though? Was he closer by? An easier target? Did the boy, who we've already established as 'smart,' have a plan in the least, even despite his anger? I don't think lights have the ability to 'shin' but they can most certainly 'shine.' What did this light do, anyway? Distract him? Cause him to let the arrow fly?

It came from the same corner that contained the tents, he noticed a man in chains, the man had white hair, and armor that shined off anything. The man looked like a holy warrior that he had only heard stories about, powerful stories. Then the boy had an idea, he would save the man, and they would raise an army together, and kill every bandit in the world. The boy jumped out of the tree, and skimmed the outskirts of the camp at a very fast pasted scale.

Run-on alert with the first sentence. I'm wondering why the bandits are carrying around a guy in chains without stripping him of his armor- don't they want him unguarded in case they choose to randomly kick him? Don't they want to salvage the apparently very shiny armor and get some gold? And isn't this smart little boy wondering why the bandits have a holy warrior in their possession? Isn't he wondering how he's going to kill an entire camp of bandits armed with a 'boy'? And what's with the sudden spasm of justice to kill all bandits in the world? You should explain how his family's murder had inspired him to kill all bandits.

The last sentence is not compound and therefore needs no commas; also, I think you intended to write 'fast-paced scale,' but even then it would have been a poor sentence. I don't encourage using 'very' on adjectives, especially poor ones like 'fast-paced,' which doesn't flow well in a sentence besides 'scale.' That sentence should be reworded.

I'm sorry for being so rude and blunt, but I couldn't read much farther than this. I'm just in a bad mood at the moment; if I did, my criticisms would get progressively more aggressive, cruel, and sarcastic.

Listen to Maiden; she's right.
PostPosted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 6:02 pm


Atra, honesty is not always the prettiest gal in the bunch. She is usually the one with warts on her face and wont thank you after you paid for dinner!

But as she said, there are a great many things wrong with this piece, but that is to be expected if it is your first, so I shall be making notes on design, character, voice and structure.

As for a Paladin. I hope you know what it is. If this is a story about revenge, a Paladin is not going to be the meal ticket for that table. A Paladin is a religious man, who FIGHTS, yes, in the name of what is right, and revenge, is not what is just. So, I hope that those meet somewhere in the middle and it all makes sense.

Keeping your main character: "The Boy," is not mysterious. In fact, it's not even intriguing, cutting off all relative emotion between him and the reader. We cannot level with someone who is just called: "The boy." We have to know he is human, and being human he has a name. I would revise every time you wrote: "The Boy," and give him something to be identified with.

Spelling, grammer and punctuation, are all key points, listen to Atra and Maiden... Enough of that for me.

As for giant paragraphs, I am glad you make use of the enter button. That is a given, buy you need to read up on fragments and run-ons. Some run-ons are acceptable, and Microsoft word will not let you use ANY fragments what so ever, but some are good. Too many=bad. Learn where to place your colmas. Though small, a well placed colma can add mystery, sadness, happiness, the possibilities are endless!

Again, we understand that this boy has been wronged, but there needs to be a bit more illrationality in order for us to believe that he was wronged. He is going to do crazy things. Not only has something bad happened to him, you have specified, HE IS A BOY! He does not make the right decisions all the time. Puberty is going to hit one way or the other.

Anyways. I hope this all makes sense.

..s.k.i.t.t.l.e.s..


BroHanSein

PostPosted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 6:10 pm


I couldn't even finish the prologue in all honesty. You seem to make everything so hasty. You also keep saying 'The Boy'. I guess since its a prologue it's necessary but you can also say 'The child' or something. You should elaborate more about this 'Order' and 'Paladin' in the first sentence of your prologue. What is it for? What kind of organization is it? Obviously it's for a master taking on an apprentice to pass on his knowledge...but for what exactly? To battle evil?

Maybe if I had finished it I would have learned more about the Order and Paladin.

But also it's the way you had the boy get his revenge on the bandits. How old is he? Too young to kill most likely but I have an image that he's twelve or ten. Maybe you can describe this boy more and give a little about how the boy felt about killing the wounded bandit and his dead family. I mean really, that has GOT to be traumatizing.

You probably already heard this from the others but I just felt like talking too. ^^

I like how you made this kid's coming of age. Bandits killing his entire village and family. But I'm not too bent on revenge. Actually, I hate revenge and how people go great lengths in achieving it, even betray their friends and home. I just hope Leon (I skimmed to the first chapter and learned his name.) isn't like that. But he already got his revenge so I guess there's no worries, besides, who cares what I like and dislike about your story. It's your story and you can write the storyline however you want. Why am I still talking? I should stop now. ....yep. ....well.....uh, yeah. >_>......so.....do what YOU want to do...and stuff. ...you know what? Forget I wrote that last paragraph!!! >w<
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