Before you start reading, I warn you. This is a nine-page poem in Word. This is the epic saga of high school...or something.
So I let go,
I drift away
because the old damned fear comes dancing back.
Are you worth it?
Will you go away,
and leave me here to suffer from my lack?
Who are you?
Which ghost haunts me?
In this very moment I can’t tell.
You mix too well,
a blur of memories
as I burn in my own little Hell.
You are so far away.
I cannot reach you,
for I have run too far in search of safety and peace.
Where did it go,
the confidence and peace
that I once held, for rent or lease…
You taught me so much:
desensitization,
the soul no longer pure as ice,
And helped me see:
it was okay
to long for a vampire’s bite.
You don’t know
I’ve never told
not a single soul has rolled those dice.
I hate you,
but I love you still,
for showing me the way to the light.
I hope to never choose
between the two of you
memories melted together by the setting sun.
I’m so confused.
please help me, please.
Everything just won’t be done.
I don’t know
who you are
or where to go to hide from you.
My personal demon
x three, you see
as I tremble in fear of the view.
The word is crashing
upon unworthy feet.
How do I build a strong life
On something so feeble,
breakable as ice?
I’d be a terrible mother and wife.
Questions, questions,
so many questions,
stirring inside ‘cause of this.
How could you leave me?
Alone in the dark?
Cowering from your fist?
You left me,
you jerkface,
beaten and bruised like a rose trampled.
I thought I saw,
for a brief moment,
a spark of something similar to friendship in your exquisite blue-grey eyes.
You’re always there,
everywhere I look,
but never by my side when I need you the most.
You were my twinnie,
my perfect friend,
and now it is like we never talked at all.
She is all you know,
and though I love her so,
how much longer must I be cast aside in favor of her?
Confused,
I scream at the night,
and at you who defied all names and all attempts to grow closer.
You knew it,
I swear you did,
that I thought you would be my starshine.
This is not it,
not it at all,
my undarling is slipping away into the dark.
I would follow,
if I knew where,
but you will not tell me or include me.
I cannot love you,
my love belongs to you,
nothing seems to make sense anymore.
I’m not a rabbit,
I’m a freaking bunny,
get it right you stupid cheetah-ox.
Alice never saw this,
but I guess I had it coming,
I should have looked for the werewolf in my life.
But who knew?
Who knew there were three?
this is impossible to understand.
The rhyme is lonely,
it slipped away,
meta-cognitively unnecessary after all the hard work.
I’m shivering,
but my light is on,
and you don’t even care enough to give me your coat.
He would do it,
you know he would,
and yet I still pray that I will never have to choose.
The two of you
are much too much
I couldn’t ever handle one without the other
The balance is off
the sword is out
and you just keep on running ahead and never looking back.
I love you,
but enough is enough,
and I’m stuck at this last stop and the lyrics don’t matter.
I’d forgotten
that this is who we are
and we can’t change the way we feel no matter how much love we wish was there.
I hate you,
and you hate me,
and yet we still pretend the friendship is there.
Who is it for?
Why do we pretend?
Let’s give up and move on and find someone new to be our crutch.
Let’s let go,
and drift away,
and maybe I won’t feel the same way in a day or two.
I want to cry,
and let you know
that you are perfect and I am not…
It wasn’t you,
but me that changed,
and I wanted to make things alright again.
I screwed up,
as you well know,
but you won’t know this is for you.
You are a demon,
all of you,
because you torture me in these human games.
You make me nervous,
I really can’t eat,
I’m fat and ugly and taste good with strawberry jam.
I’m growing up,
and moving on,
but someone’s got a grip on my leg and won’t let go.
You aren’t a Kappa,
or a Grindylow,
so please, oh please, just let me go.
I need to leave,
to break away,
and find myself in something new and real and tangible.
You are fading,
falling fast,
yet you saved my life when I least expected it.
Streams of consciousness
flowing out like rain,
into a paper cup, slithering as the pass across the universe.
I’m stealing lines
from myself,
or was that a song? It’s called an allusion, dear.
Let me say
what I need to say
which is that you need to leave me alone and shut up.
Stop, just stop,
and look at yourself.
Can’t you see what you are doing?
It’s so obvious,
you pathetic mess,
as you ruin my life in an attempt to better yours.
I wish you joy,
and happiness,
and everything else good in this world.
I miss you,
because I’m the one.
The only one who seems to care in this big old world.
You forgot,
just a slip of the mind,
fifty thousand times too many.
I sent it to you,
I swear I did,
oh sure, oh sure, I believe you again.
The fishes will feast
upon you and your kind,
and why should I stay here with you and watch you die?
I’m the next act,
talking in the wings,
names misheard and lines misspoken by the world.
You are everything,
everything I need,
but I am nothing that you want at all.
I’m right and wrong,
black and white,
up and down and left and right and you still don’t understand.
I’m only here
with you,
because you can’t survive without me, there are no others.
It’s all right,
it’s all wrong,
and you know exactly what I mean because you gave it to me.
So long status quo,
but not really,
because every promise turns to ashes in your hands.
You don’t love me,
you never did,
but being my friend was convenient and fun for a bit.
I don’t want to lose you.
You mean far too much,
but I am just too much for you to deal with.
I guess it’s fate,
friendships turned black.
Am I king Midas, turning all I love to something worthless?
It’s so hard.
You’re so soft.
Don’t giggle like I meant something else.
Nothing is nothing,
and nothing more,
and nothing you can say will change my mind.
I’m on fire,
cheese is sharp,
and you still refuse to see the trail of tears you leave.
You are good fortune,
I am blessed fate,
and yet somehow the wicked karma chameleon will bite us all.
Everything runs
together, together
we can work this out and maybe survive another month.
But in the end,
does it really matter
if we end it now or wait until I can’t take it any longer.
I’m insecure
in my friendships
especially this one because you can’t seem to decide
If you and I
are you and me
or something slightly more than that, a “we”?
Make up your mind
or let me be
to be or not to be, nothing is nobler, dear Hamlet.
Am I Rosencrantz,
or Guildenstern?
Does it really matter to you anyways?
I was Harry
and you were Ron
and that was that and things were fun and easy.
And then Harry and Ron
grew up and parted ways
I know that’s not how the story goes.
I am right,
that’s how this is going,
if you don’t show me some proof.
You aren’t her,
but it’s the same,
and I don’t want to watch it all fall to pieces.
I can’t deal,
not with another her,
but you don’t even know who she was before
She became
this stranger
the one I can’t be friends with any longer.
Why is it so hard
to let go and drift away
when the person is someone you simply used to know?
We are the champions.
Don’t let me down.
It’s all in Psalms sixty-two, but you don’t own
My version of the bible,
because I am better
and yet infinitely worse than every single one of you.
I can’t decide
whether I am right
or you are right, and who is going to die in the end.
What do I have to give up?
What must I change?
How do I stop myself from pushing you away?
I love you.
You know this deep inside.
But I can’t tell if you love me or not…
That is what I fear.
Truly being alone.
Without you, I am lost and no matter how many times
I listen to that song,
I know inside that he is wrong.
I am lost, and no one can save me but you.
Yet I still don’t know
which you is saving me,
and which you is killing me deep, deep inside.
I want to save time
in a bottle,
so that my memories of you can grow stale on a shelf.
I will never forget.
I will never give up.
I said I’m okay, but I know how to lie.
Read the lies,
but read between the lines.
Somewhere deep inside there is a vulnerability.
I don’t need a boy.
They aren’t worth my time.
Yet half this poem is about you, and there are many more besides.
I’m conflicted,
that’s the easiest way to put it.
I could never choose between the two of you.
The fab four
died a long, long time ago
in a galaxy so far away I barely remember it.
Yet letting go
is the hardest thing,
the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
My crutch
just fell out from under me.
and I have nothing to hold on to, so I fall.
I fall deep down,
underneath the pain and lies
that have been my life until this very poem.
My eyes are opened,
and I cringe in utter disgust,
because underneath all of this, my soul is full of s**t.
I’m a hypocrite,
and you don’t care,
because you had no idea and yet you knew the whole time.
I’m crying,
because I know you hate me now,
but at the same time I am pure apathy when it comes to you.
I’m insane,
it’s the only explanation I can have.
the only one that makes sense in today’s world.
I’m possessed,
by fire and ice,
and everything nice, but nothing is nice, not at all.
Sometimes I worry
that I’m too much
for you to handle or even just put up with.
Should I run
or should I stay
and try to work things out one more time?
I give up,
and get out,
because I will never get back that piece of me.
You don’t know,
because I never told,
but I love you and hate you and fear you.
I’m scared.
I’m lonely.
You are right next to me and yet we are a thousand miles apart.
Pick me up.
Hold me close.
Don’t forget that I was once the girl you loved.
I’m a hippie,
and so are you,
but drugs aren’t our thing so we send our loving to you.
Burn us up,
turn us on,
and leave us here to suffer in our extremity.
Love me,
please do,
it’s all I can ask of someone like you.
Now it is time,
time for a decision
or revision, but either way it is time to die.
I’m done,
the song cannot hold on,
the music, the magic, of our night has died.
I can’t save it.
I can’t save you.
I cannot save a single soul, not even my own.
Goodbye,
to you and you and you,
because that is all I know how to say or do.
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