Broken Karma: Epilogue

[Afganika]

*~Prologue~*

"What is life?" an old man sitting between two buildings, one red bricked and the other a tint of blue wood, sits cross legged resting his back to the brick wall. He has a look of mischief and cunning attitude, bright blue glossy eyes and a skin like cream but with a melted texture. He is dressed in beggar clothing, light clay brown that once was pearl white with blotches of black. His left hand is holding a clouded glass ball and in the other a wooden pipe and mumbles, "What is life?"

Shiva, a young boy age sixteen, dressed in a hooded sweat-shirt, and a beanie to conceal his silver hair by birth. He has blood red eyes and rose cheeks blood rushed by the winter cold. He is standing before the man stopping in curiosity and looks at the old man for a couple minutes. "Who is it I speak too?"

The old man looks up at Shiva, "What is life?"

Irritated, Shiva begins to walk away but stops. An eerie aura seems to leak from the old mans pores, although he cannot see it, his instincts tells him this is no ordinary man. Looking down at his feet Shiva gives deep thought to his reply, "Life is what I make it to be."

"Then child," Pausing to inhale from his pipe, he looks directly at the boys face. Smoke trailing off into the sky, leaking he says "What is death?"

A strange tingle flows through Shiva's body shuddering in response, but once again he tilts his head to the side and thinks, "Death is the end to all."

A strange cackling sound escapes from the old mans throat. His lips slightly curve upward expressive a sarcastic smirk,"Death is the beginning to all child." Slowly raising his left arm to eye level peering through the glass ball looking at Shiva, "Then why is it you stand before me?"

Shiva falls on his knee's feeling pressure as though all gravity is defying natural law. Then everything stops, soundless. No song of birds, rustling of the cool wind, no evidence of existence is present. Suddenly, all vision fails as the life lived by Shiva begins to pass before his mind, from infant to the now. Then nothing, nothing more peaceful serene, nothing as profoundly beautiful as this. It was silence. Silence, no longer a word for all sound of existence is forgotten. And then everything was silent as Shiva lost conscious.

** ** **

Chapter 1 (Coming soon)  

[Harpe Eolienne]

It's a good prologue. A bit confusing, perhaps, -- but that by no means is a bad thing. I makes the reader want to know more about the story. Ah, cryptic old men. How I love them.  

Lol! Oops... I meant to put Prologue. Thanks for pointing that out  

[Cain-rag]

Garneac((Nothing I say in my critique should be taken personally.))

GarneacHello Afganika.
GarneacOverall impression: I wasn’t drawn in.
GarneacI am a firm believer in strong openings. Whether said opening is the first line, paragraph or chapter of a story, the fact remains that the necessary steps must be taken to ensure that there is no loss of a potential audience. Because your piece is so short, you have less space in which to make error, and, more importantly, less space with which to draw in a reader.
GarneacThe prologue suffers from a lack of correct punctuation, as well as a clichéd beginning and speech.

Garneac"What is life?" an old man sitting between two buildings, one red bricked and the other a tint of blue wood, sits cross legged resting his back to the brick wall. He has a look of mischief and cunning attitude, bright blue glossy eyes and a skin like cream but with a melted texture. He is dressed in beggar clothing, light clay brown that once was pearl white with blotches of black. His left hand is holding a clouded glass ball and in the other a wooden pipe and mumbles, "What is life?"

GarneacBesides the question itself, which is too general and is easily seen through as your attempt to bolster the image of a knowing old man (when in reality, it is weak/cheap characterization), I want to focus on the info-dump that comes right after. It might have seemed to you to be a good idea to describe the old man in such full detail, but what it does is show that you have no other techniques with which to shape him. There’s no need to clump intense descriptions together—hell, there’s no need to even really describe a character in detail. You can accomplish that through their speech. But before I move onto the dialogue, just understand this: too much description is an immediate turn-off, no matter how you anyone tries to spin it.
GarneacThe dialogue is too general, so much so that there is no real weight behind the words. Once again, in attempting to personify these characters, you’ve actually made them hollow—but do remember, all this is only my response to the story, not the ultimate truth. It’s simply what I feel. As well, keep in mind that dialogue should mimic speech in real life, meaning that there shouldn’t be too long of a pause between. Try having just dialogue for a section. It’s quick, brief, without unnecessary description. And why is there unnecessary description? Because in the speech itself, you’ll be revealing the depth of your characters. The words they use, the emphasis placed on those words, etc—they all work together to build up a credible person. But that’s up to you. It’s something I prefer doing, and it works for me.
GarneacI’m not going to go on. You’ve got punctuation errors, places where there should be periods or semi-colons, that kind of stuff. That can easily be fixed through proof-reading, whether numerous times or out loud—or giving it to someone else to look over.
GarneacHope that helps. Best of luck in your future writing.  

[Afganika]

Garneac,
That helps a lot. I was dissatisfied with my writing, I just didn't know what it was. I gonna try and fix and change a couple here and there. Thanks

And for the grammatical errors, I'll look over it again. This time I wont rush on my proof reading.  

[Cain-rag]

No prob. And I really want to emphasize that this is just what I believe was awkward. I've been wrong about things when I critique. So, it's all you. the story is yours. sweatdrop