Things I Will Not Do at Hogwarts
I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their house colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".
No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not "an extra credit project for Herbology".
"I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.
The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
I will not use Umbridge's quill to write "I told you I was hardcore".
I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".
Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. "Polishing my wand" in the common room is not.
If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defence against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today's project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".
I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".
I will not call the Defence against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak.
There is no such thing as a were-thylacine.
I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
I will not place anything by Silver Ravenwolf on the library shelves.
Tricking a school house elf into stripping does not mean that they are now mine, even if I yell "Pwned!"
I am not a sloth Animagus.
I am not a tribble Animagus.
I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
I do not weigh the same as a duck.
Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
I will not lick Trevor.
I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
The Ravenclaws are not "Mentats in training".
Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.
I will not change the password to the prefects' bath to "Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty".
There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.
I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.
I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".
I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
I will not teach the first-years to sing "A Wizard's Staff Has a Knob on the End".
If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.
I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
I will not tell Wormtail that his silver hand looks "groovy", nor will I
encourage him to replace it with a Muggle chainsaw.
The Slytherin house badge has nothing to do with the Auryn.
I am not one of the 110 types of Rhinovirus Animagus; and even if I were, it would be cheating to win a Wizard's Duel by transforming.
If Lupin requests something of me, it is considered very rude to refuse by replying, "Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin!"
"Dr Mordrid" is not an educational film.
I will not attempt to repel Dementors by coating myself in chocolate body paint.
I am not allowed to shout, "Boy howdy, looks like the circus is in town!" when the new Profs. are introduced.
Chocolate frogs do not come in "crunchy".
I will not set up a blind date between Dumbledore and that Nimue chick.
I will not tell any Weasley that porn is "hilarious", nor will I insist that it is "crucial".
No matter how badly she botches that potion, I shall not refer to Hermione as "p***y Galore".
I will promise to stop intoning, "Believe it . . . or not!" after Dumbledore's speeches.
The Necronomicon Ex Mortuus is not the wizardly version of the Kama Sutra.
No spitting in the Pensieve.
No one is bogarting my mandrake, dude.
I will stop pestering Prof. Flitwick about ioun stones, Prismatic Spray, and any type of fireballs.
No, that is NOT the main ingredient in Pixie Stix, and I am not to imply that it is so.
R'lyeh is not located under the Lake.
Bringing fortune cookies to Divination class does not count for extra credit.
"Blast-ended skrewt" is not synonymous with crayfish/crawdad/mudbug/freshwater lobster, and I am not to suggest so to the House Elves when they have gumbo on the menu.
That glowing green potion I mixed up does not re-animate the dead.
I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.
Under no circumstances will I greet Prof. McGonagall by inquiring, "What's new, pussycat?"
"Dead Man's Party" is a kickass song but probably not appropriate for a Deathday celebration. Ditto "No One Lives Forever".
Hermione, Luna and Ginny are not my Angels.
Sufficiently advanced technology is NOT indistinguishable from magic.
I will not address Hagrid as "Groundskeeper Willie".
I will not ask Firenze if he can get me Mr. Ed's autograph.
Further, I will keep all "hung like a horse" jokes to myself in Divination class.
I will not detonate Squibs.
Puzzleboxes are to be solved on my own time.
I will stop asking if Draco is related to Andy Warhol.
I will not teach the veela the lyrics to "Oops, I Did It Again" even if they ask nicely.
And lastly, I will not use the time turner to go into the past and seduce my father, thereby ceasing to exist, which means I could not have gone into the past and seduced my father, which means I do exist, which means I can go back and...Oh, never mind...
