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 Posted: Thu Dec 04, 2008 9:45 pm
“My life is my message.” (Mahatma Gandhi)
Or at least it was.
Carefully written at a tender age
A wish to announce the burning love.
A love of friends seperated
by an ancient dispute
Of lies and hate that led to a crime
Who's consequense will span all eternity
And so my short life time,
Spent in a bottle on the sea
Rocking back and forth to the wave's quiet rhyme
Before I reach my final destination
But I never made it to him
My carrier was found,
Though that chance had been slim,
And I was cast into the fire
My brittle edges burned
And my heart felt words lost
Never to been seen or heard
By the one who needed them most . . .
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Posted: Mon Dec 29, 2008 6:32 pm
Sorry it took so long for me to get to this, super busy! I'll be good in the future.
I like your poem, except for the last stanza. I would take it out, maybe write a new one. Your imagry is good, very good, but it took a shary turn toward cliche, teenage poetry.
I really like the bottle ont he sea analogy, very nice, very creative.
I would change the line 'carefully written at a tender age', it's a bit overused, at least the tender age bit.
'Who's consequences...' I believe you meant 'whose', dear?
Dont' be afraid of punctuation! Use it to your advantage, create some new insight, maybe some new dimensions to your piece.
So, overall, it was a very nice poem! Tune some of the parts I pointed out, post your edited piece on this thread, and I'll come look at it again!
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