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I hope you like this one

Perturbed

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Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 7:59 pm

Untitled

It was all like a dream,
A dream of a dream I have dreamt for so many dreamy nights
Never materializing into anything other than just a dream,
Until now.

When the moon smiled and the earth cuddled with the snickering sun
When everything seemed alive and well
When my heart, my life, my breath became undone.

On that dreamy night,
Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

Posted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 5:54 pm

Very nice short poem!If I can critesize,I think you might have over-used the word "dream" in the first part (or,words which are like "dream").

Quote:

Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

I espeacially like this part,it flows so well.But the setence it starts with-

Quote:

On that dreamy night,

-sort of makes "our dreamy night" sound repetetive,even though it flows so well.Maybe if you said "On that night",taking out the word "dreamy".Or you could replace "dreamy" with starry,or clear,or something.

waycoolperson1

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Perturbed

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Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 4:13 pm

waycoolperson1

Very nice short poem!If I can critesize,I think you might have over-used the word "dream" in the first part (or,words which are like "dream").

Quote:

Our dreamy night
When our lips took flight
To God's delight
Our first kiss.

I espeacially like this part,it flows so well.But the setence it starts with-

Quote:

On that dreamy night,

I get what you are saying and I must say it is pretty good advice. But I used the repitition of that word to really reinforce the fact that the night was 'dreamy.'

Thanx for the advice though