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 Posted: Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:48 pm
My best friend through middle school till now is a girl named Danielle. Her dad's a pastor and she moved up to NY (which three plane flights away from me ) She knew i was struggling with the whole cutting issue, she just didnt know it was all that bad. I called her up one night when things had gotten really bad. I had passed out while cutting and i was getting more and more misriable. At the same time, she was having a bad time. She was missing me and her friends down here, and she didnt feel like she had a bunch of friends. After i told her what was going on she imidiatly wanted me to fly up....plane tickets are insanely expensive >.< after asking my uncle and praying with Danielle, my uncle got me some flight tickets to Elmira, Ny. When i got there, i had so much fun. Her family treated me just like they always had; like one of their own. I love her family so much. her brother and sister treat me like their sister, her mom and dad treat me like their child. I love it. What was even more loving was the fact that they knew that i struggle with Self injury and they just treated me like they always had. Her school is very small, so everyone in her youth group goes to her school. She had told her youthgroup about my struggle and her youth group was guna pay to fly me up if i couldnt afford it. So her school and her youth group knew that i had self injury issues. What was weird though, they didnt make fun of me, didnt make mean jokes..when i was around they didnt look at me in a judmental way, they supported me. I was soo happy. Wed. night when i was up there, the youth lady asked if anyone wanted prayer..i started balling silently. I pulled on Danielle's shirt and she asked if i wanted to go up there...i said no but she took me anyways. (just like her ) the entire youth group prayed for me the ENTIRE church service. After the kids all had to leave the lady asked if i was okay. i told her i still couldnt stop. So she brought in Danielle's dad (the pastor) and we prayed for about an hour. That night and the rest of that week, i was sooo happy. i fealt so freaking loved. i fealt like i could really do it. On top of that, the service on sunday night was directly from God to me. It was the youth doing the service and two girls sang a song called "not alone", i dont remember who sings it, but after it was done i was about to cry to death..the pastor came up and said that he fealt like that song was to someone in the crowd who was thinking of suicide at that moment..and of course, that was me. The rest of that night the service was about releasing your chains. I went home at the end of that week feeling like i could really do it. The next two weeks back at home were great, i fealt strong and everything. I dont know what happened though. After about three weeks i broke, i messed up and i got back to where i was. I dont have the courage to tell Danielle either. She did so much for me, i cant tell her that i'm back to where i was. My two friends at school who i can talk to..they wont talk to me either. The first one says that its beyond her and she doesnt know how to help me, but she's sorry. the second one left the school and basically told me that i cant rely on anyone because its useless. i'm mad because i'm back at where i was. I literatly feel dead inside. my youth pastor tries to push me off to this one chick who says "oh my gosh!! i miss you so much" when i had never even spoken to her before... i have no one to talk to. This time i really feel like God is fed up with me and is so sick of me. I can understand. i've had signs, things smack me in the face, but i wont stop. No one can help me and i cant help myself. I tried talking and opening up to my dad but he got mad. my brother makes emo jokes, and Audrey (his girlfriend) tells josh (my brother) everything i tell her...i'm beyond help. i dont know what to do. I'm sick of trying to get help because either people leave, or i annoy them to the point where i'm making them leave. I literatly feel nothing anymore.
theres the big update.. i'm sorry its not very happy-esc.
~Jeska~
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 8:56 am
One step forward, two steps back?
I've been there before and I've seen it in others. It's an ever constant tug-of-war between God and Satan and you're in the middle. Every time you find yourself just a little closer to God you get dragged down again.
It's rough. But no one ever said believing in God was a total picnic. Satan just tries to bring us down harder because we're more of a threat to him when we know God wants us.
Child, God will never ever give up on you. I know you've heard it time and time again but God is love, and he won't stop because of our mistakes. He is an eternal father who will welcome us with open arms.
But in order to be welcomed we need to come to him on our own. I'm sorry to say this but your friend is right- we can't depend on others. We can't depend on other people telling us to drop our chains, we need to tell ourselves. Because we're the only ones keeping ourselves chained to sin.
Like The Up Beat said, the Devil is below us. Look at him and laugh. We have more power than him. We can break his hold on us any time we want to. But it takes our own effort, not a youth group's. Though it certainly helps.
God isn't sick of you, he isn't tired, he isn't annoyed or fed up. He will always be there, always willing to be with you no matter what. Don't let the Devil make you feel otherwise. (Because we all know he's a liar!)
God is always with you. Here's an illustration-
Think of the air we breathe. Think of how it's everywhere. Going with us no matter where we are.
Now think of that air as God himself. Not just his spirit, not just his presence. But God physically there everywhere you go.
Like... a conjoined twin or something.
Except [infinity] times better.
Anyway my point is that God is there no matter where you go, no matter what you do or say. You may not feel like he's within you right now, but he's certainly surrounding you.
We aren't tired either, and will be more than willing to help you or even just to talk. I know in all reality I don't know you at all and we'll probably never meet, but I care about you and I love you just as if you were my next door neighbors. (And I'm pretty close with them)
So remember- we're here too. Not just the girl from your youth group who you don't talk to.
I'll continue to pray for you.
Love,
Lemon
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Posted: Mon Dec 22, 2008 8:49 pm
Your update just makes me want to give you a big, warm hug! Ive never cut myself or anything like that...So I cant give you advice for that, but I wish I could! But I can give you some words to ponder on when you feel the...need to hurt yourself. When ever I feel sad, I think also of the people I love. I picture us all hanging out, smiling, having a good time...That usualy cheers me up. If that doesnt help you at all, I guess you can try my (Secret xd ) technique of the consumption of cookie dough...mmm...lol Im sorry I cant be much more of help. I'll pray for you to get better! heart ~Bri
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