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 Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 2:47 pm
Here's my little story, a little more elaborate than the one in my intro (skip if you like, question after the next three paragraphs) :
My boyfriend and I actually met online when I was 14. I spent around a year and a half getting to know him, and we had so much in common he was my best friend after a short period of time. He was the one that helped me out of relationships that I wasn't seeing the bad side of - he told me when one of my guys was cheating on me, and he was right, he even gave me advice on other guys when I had crushes. Then it happened to come out that he had been attracted to me for a fair while. Thinking about it, I realised that feeling was the same in me.
So we started dating. We met in real life and it was amazing being able to touch him, physically feel his presence, or even just be held by him or feel his breath tickling my ears and neck when he whispered. Months passed by. I was able to say "I love you" and truly mean it for the first time in my life. (I'm going on 17 by this point in time, we've been together for maybe 6 or 7 months?). So now the relationship's been going for a year and three months. I've grown so attached to him, as my best friend, my other half, and the one I love. He's turned my world upside down, matured me as a person and helped me to open up completely. And now it's getting rocky.
A long-distance relationship is always difficult, that I know. We're going to keep trying, and if either of us feel it's too much then we're going to take a little break. Each of us feels as strongly as ever for each other, and it's so clear by the amount it's hurting us both to talk about this... I take weeks to get over relationships that have only lasted a few months, so I can't imagine how long this will take me...
My question, and the one I'd appreciate help with, is how would you cope with a break? If you have tips on coping with actually splitting up then that's good too, simply because neither of us know how long the break will be, and I don't want to lose my friend as well as my boyfriend. If I take too long to get over it then he'll realise and feel guilt, and I can't put that on him...
Additionally, I know there's a chance that you'll tell me that it's not really love I feel, but this is the most serious I've been about anybody in my life, and I'm mature for my age considering the loss of close relatives from a young age... So although it may not be true love in your opinion, I am certain it's far more than a mere crush.
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Posted: Mon Jan 12, 2009 9:35 pm
hello,
Personally, i think a break would be a good thing. It's good that you love him, and I understand that this will be hard, but why don't you talk to him about this. You could try "open dating" where you still see each other, but are allowed to see other people, but that may not be the best thing in your case.
If you do decide to take a break, then there is no reason for you to end the relationship. Talk to him, he'll still be your friend, even if you each date other people. Focus on keeping the relationship, while finding others as well ^_^
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:03 am
Spend more time with the people that cheer you up, and as much
as possible.
This will minimize the time you spend stressing over it.
Do things that will keep your mind off of him/ the break, and when
you're ready try talking to him as a friend again.
<3
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:56 pm
Thank you for the advice, I'm sure that should our relationship need a break - at the moment, we've agreed to take one if either of us struggle more than usual, although for the moment it does not seem in sight - this will prove invaluable to me.
(Apologies if I seem formal or a bit uptight or whatever, it's currently 1AM and I've had a long day even if it has been relatively trouble-free.)
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Posted: Sat Jan 24, 2009 10:45 am
There's an update to my situation. We're meeting in February, and that should be good. However, I've also been told that his friends are trying to set him up. It shouldn't bother me, as his parents tried too before they met me. The fact of the matter is though, that his friends have told him LDR doesn't work. I don't believe it, and he didn't either until someone else said it to him.
For now, because February is set and I can't change it now, there's no way we're splitting before then, we've both agreed. He doesn't seem to want to change it. He's told me he doesn't want to lose me so many times and I know it's true for me too.
I know I already asked for help, but now I just need opinions... Am I right to feel messed around? Am I right to be telling him he can date other people at the same time as me to try and ease the relationship for him? I really don't know any more...
It doesn't help to know that my Auntie Louise gave up everything she had to go to be closer to her guy, and I know very well that I can't do that, but Rich has the freedom to.. It makes it harder to think that the only thing affecting the relationship is the thing I can't change, and while he can I really don't think he recognises it...
I'm sorry for double-posting, and I'm sorry for the rant, but I really need to vent this. I can't talk to him, he's out with friends, I can't talk to mum, she's holding a party, I can't talk to dad, he's at a mate's, I can't talk to my friends because none of them really understand, and the one who does hasn't been in a relationship herself yet.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:36 am
A few things. I am currently going through a hellish long distance relationship myself. A bit different though, since my boyfriend and I had been together for three years before he left to go to grad school. And I can tell you, it doesn't get easier. No matter how often you think it's going better, there are good days and there are bad days. There are days when I am so mad at him for leaving, and days when I know he made the right decision for his, and our, future.
That being said...coping with a break is difficult. The best thing, as someone said, is to hang out with friends or throw yourself into something new. My boyfriend broke up with me a few summers ago and it was the worst experience of my life. The best thing for our relationship though...it actually saved it.
During that time, I set deadlines. I knew we needed to get together and talk again when I got back (I had a summer training for almost three months where I was out of the state), so I set a deadline (for myself, not to him) that I would call him in August when I was back and settled and firmly request a chance to talk about this break up. I also told myself I couldn't call him. It was hard. He was my best friend. When good things happened, he was the first person I called.
However, having that summer training was the best thing for me. I was working ten hours a day (at least) and learning everything I could. I hung out with friends, went to bars to party and relax, started running...really took some time to enjoy myself. I also spent some time journaling about the problems in our relationship and what I wanted to do to fix them.
In the end, giving him his space was the best thing I could do. He ended up calling me and we were in a much better place to talk about and solve things.
Now, we know we can get through this LDR. It is hard, but we see each other often.
I think I'm not quite understanding the question in your second posting though. Messed around by him or his friends?
I think you need to discuss with him how you feel. A relationship built on lies of "oh, you should do what's best for you" but meant to say "do what's best for you that I approve of" just falls apart. You'd hate him dating other people, you'd hate him for dating other people, and you'd hate his friends for having him date other people.
So, yes, in an ideal world, love is about the other person being happy. But you have to be prepared to REALLY let that person go, completely, if you're going to let them date other people.
I think you're also starting to fall into the trap of, I can't change because of this, but he can, so why doesn't he? It's easy for me to ask Soren why he had to go to another state to go to grad school, when I had a career here. It's easy for me to say, he should just change everything and come back here, because it's easier for him.
The honest truth is, though, it's just as simple for both people to pack up their lives and move somewhere for another person.
And so, you're beginning to be bitter about the fact that he won't do it for you, when maybe there are very good reasons he can't.
The simple truth is that you're not married, you're not even engaged, and so picking up one's life and moving away from friends and family and job and school is just not easy. And when there's a possibility that things might fall apart a few months later...then there's the expense of having to leave again...
Well, I can understand him not following you out to wherever you are.
What you have to evaluate is where this relationship is going. The truth is, with time, you can get over someone. And if it was meant to be, he'll show up in your life again when the timing is better.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 10:42 am
I completely forgot I posted in this again. I got past the whole "He can change this" thing, with his help. As it turned out he had only told me half the reason he was staying where he was and there was one factor he'd told me about once in passing - he hadn't mentioned it since, so I thought the problem was resolved rather than worse than before. I understand his reasoning now that I've been told, whereas before all the reasons were falling apart anyway.
As for the married and engaged thing, he's actually made this harder for me in that he's asked me to marry him, though he knows for the moment that we're too young for that. Other than the fact I wear one of his rings on my ring finger, that's been kept as a sort of personal thing.
My main problem now is valentines day - he's asked me what I want, and I don't know what to say to him. In all honesty, it's sometimes as though this break is non-existent other than the reduced contact. Pet names slip out on both sides, we're still flirting, he's still teasing me as if nothing's changed, and more than that, he's still camming me to show me how he's getting on - despite knowing that friends can't show off semi-naked bodies to each other after a workout, at least not as far as I'm concerned.
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