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 Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 4:14 pm
(Author note: this is the shortest of my chapters, enjoy)
Chapter One: The Beginning
Dreams. Some say dreams are based on something you have seen before you've slept, others say it might be the future, But in this case I wasn't quite sure if I was dreaming or not. It was warm when I woke, soft pale skin and light blue eyes (the only features I can remember of my figure), quickly standing, my body was sweating and I could smell the smoke. My eyes were blurred with sleep and burning from the hot air, in a matter of minutes I realized my room...no the dorms were on fire. Almost instantly I ran to the window and opened it to see everyone was already out down below and I was stuck in the 6th dorm to the left on the 13th floor. It was as if I'd lost all control of my body when I suddenly crouched up on the window's seal and inside my head screamed no but my body forced itself from the ledge and I began to plunge down towards the concrete. I tried closing my eyes but they remained open watching as I kept falling, falling, falling...My arms opened as if they were wings and I heard the clock strike 12am, though it was 3 hours slow which meant it was really 3am (the ghost hour).
Chapter Two: Into The World
In moment my eyes were closed and everything went dark, I rolled over to face the sky and found the bright sun shining in my eyes "Am I dead?" my lips seemed to mumble though it wasn't my voice, it was softer, more calm. Once my eyes cleared up I noticed a few deer around me which seemed not to mind me as I sat up and tried to clear my thoughts, slowly looking down at my hands and reaching up to rub my eyes before pulling my hands away in a sort of unexpected way. My eyes widened at the sight of pure chocolate skin, the color of trees and my clothing had changed into a small grass green top, black pants with a skirt-like piece made of wood and other nature materials, around my left and right wrists were green and light brown beaded bracelets and on my feet were light green foot covers but my toes hung out. I reached up quickly and pulled the soft green hair over my shoulders. Running to the water I made the deer quickly prance off gracefully as if I'd just shown up, Looking in the water my eyes glowed honey and atop of my head was a wolf carved hat or some sort, green paint had been added for the effect of color blending with the rest of my outfit. At the water's edge I found a staff which held a silver eye shape at the top and silver couplets around the bottom. I wondered how I might have changed and then I tried to remember what happened before I fell, I couldn't remember anything except for looking into the mirror as I ran to jump out of the window and how my reflection seemed to be grinning back at me. Where was I now? I asked myself though the air smelt strong with the scent of freshly cooking food which had drawn my attention away from worry once my stomach growled. Standing, I would rub the side of my head, the scent of food making my mouth water as I hurried off in the direction.
Chapter Three: Fowl Meeting
Upon my search I had found the source, a small set of teepees which extended like tents of the real world, with beads and paintings on them I found my way to the largest and was met by two large Vultures which stared me down, with spears in hand they crossed them in front of me and I almost fell back stumbling a bit as I did. The large of the two began to chuckle before peeking into the large tent where a large man-like raven stepped out, at first he looked like a man in a raven-like suit (as the Indians in the movies wore) but upon closer examination I found his eyes blinked, Large golden orbs which looked upon me striking fear into my body as a smile curled over his beak, his talons gripping at the dirt as he reached forward and offered me his feathered hand. I hesitated and he let out a small caw of laugher “It’s alright I’m not going to hurt you…” he spoke to me making me less shy as I reached forward and shook his hand, leading me inside I spoke up finally “You speak English!” I tried to calm my tone of voice but it was loud and excited almost and all the birds and other avian started to laugh hysterically making me blush out of embarrassment. The larger raven spoke up “No, you speak our language, you see you are a nature creature now…Like a Dryad you see.” He attempted to explain and it reminded me of back home when I played a dryad in D&D, Maybe I was going insane and I was still asleep. I shook off this feeling and nodded to him “Why am I…” he interrupted my question “I’ll explain later…but now, We feast!” the birds exclaimed excitedly as he let me sit next to him, there was very little meat, what looked to be rats and other small creatures further down by the carnivorous avian and nearer my side were fruits and vegetables, being a vegetarian it made my mouth water and I began to put what I could on the plate as the others did. The avian talked and laughed around the table like humans did back home, it was very homey and I felt myself forgetting the other world. (more to come soon =P)
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 4:49 pm
Vice Captain Rangiku M Dreams. Some say dreams are based on something you have seen before you've slept ; others say it might be the future . But in this case , I wasn't quite sure if I was dreaming or not. Vice Captain Rangiku M It was warm when I woke, soft pale skin and light blue eyes (the only features I can remember of my figure), quickly standing, my body was sweating , and I could smell the smoke. Vice Captain Rangiku M My eyes were blurred with sleep , burning from the hot air . In a matter of minutes I realized my room...no , the dorms were on fire. Vice Captain Rangiku M I ran to the window and opened it to see everyone already outside, and I was stuck in the sixth dorm to the left , on the thirteenth floor. Vice Captain Rangiku M It was as if I'd lost all control of my body when I suddenly crouched on the window sill and inside my head screamed no , but my body forced itself from the ledge , and I plunged towards the concrete.
You used double preps again, and you also neglected a comma here and there. And refrain from using 'began to [verb]'- it's passive and robs action from your sentence. I admit I slip and use it sometimes, but I warn you against it. Simply using the verb is less wordy and more active.Vice Captain Rangiku M I tried closing my eyes , but they remained open , watching as I kept falling, falling, falling... My arms opened as if they were wings , and I heard the clock strike twelve, though it was three hours slow , which meant it was really three am. The ghost hour.
And as for the 'ghost hour,' I'm unsure what exactly you mean- the ghost hour is a very relative term. It can either mean the chime hours or the witching hours, which are so easily confused, though you are most likely referring the the witching hour, which is a period of time between midnight and three am. But since the story is in first person, then simply sticking the phrase in parenthesis would imply that the character is aware of that little fact, but it doesn't explain why. If you wanted to create a poetic effect, then you could have her whisper the words or italicize them as a new paragraph.
But as for that, I still can't help but point out how short the chapter is. It's almost, and is even written as, a single paragraph. Something so short should be a prologue, which is much more suitable. Also, you don't need to post new threads per chapter- that takes to much forum space when you have a single thread open for posts. Also, it's much more convenient for readers so that poor wretches (like moi) with slow internet don't have to labor to return to the semi-main forum and find your next thread :/
This plot is very loose and has a lot of potential, even now. Plots should be open and wide, to allow unique and creative ideas space to bloom, and I appreciate that you haven't restricted yourself to the straight and narrow Tunnel of Plot Doom, unlike some writers *coughstephaniemeyerscough*
Don't let my b*tchy criticism dishearten you. I'm just a jerk that way, when English is involved, and I know you have great writing potential. You had no spelling errors, and all the mistakes you made were the same I had only a few months ago. They're all simple and easily learned and corrected. I can't say the same for other writers I've met and that's wonderful. We all mispell every so often, but you're definately not someone who stumbles over every other simple word or is too lazy to use a spellcheck.
And I love that.
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 3:26 pm
You've a genuinely good idea going, but it was like what the previous poster already stated: the punctuation is terrible. If you fail to even put in capitals and periods, not only will it be nearly impossible to read comprehensively, but readers won't take your work seriously. I don't know what else to critique because I can't really tell what's going on, besides the 'dream' of a dorm fire.
((Oh, and please don't take offense, I was just trying to give you the best criticism I could)) heart
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 6:58 pm
MOVED FROM OTHER THREADS Chapter Two: Vice Captain Rangiku M In moment my eyes were closed , and everything went dark . I rolled over to face the sky and found the bright sun shining in my eyes .Vice Captain Rangiku M "Am I dead?" My lips mumbled, though it wasn't my voice that emerged. This was softer, calmer. Vice Captain Rangiku M Once my eyes cleared up I noticed a few deer around me which seemed not to mind me as I sat up and tried to clear my thoughts, slowly looking down at my hands and reaching up to rub my eyes before pulling my hands away in a sort of unexpected way. Vice Captain Rangiku M My eyes widened at the sight of pure chocolate skin, the color of trees and my clothing had changed into a small grass green top, black pants with a skirt-like piece made of wood and other nature materials, around my left and right wrists were green and light brown beaded bracelets and on my feet were light green foot covers but my toes hung out. I reached up quickly and pulled the soft green hair over my shoulders. Running to the water I made the deer quickly prance off gracefully as if I'd just shown up, Looking in the water my eyes glowed honey and atop of my head was a wolf carved hat or some sort, green paint had been added for the effect of color blending with the rest of my outfit. At the water's edge I found a staff which held a silver eye shape at the top and silver couplets around the bottom. I wondered how I might have changed and then I tried to remember what happened before I fell, I couldn't remember anything except for looking into the mirror as I ran to jump out of the window and how my reflection seemed to be grinning back at me. Where was I now? I asked myself though the air smelt strong with the scent of freshly cooking food which had drawn my attention away from worry once my stomach growled. Standing, I would rub the side of my head, the scent of food making my mouth water as I hurried off in the direction. Chapter Three: Vice Captain Rangiku M Upon my search I had found the source, a small set of tepees which extended like tents of the real world, with beads and paintings on them I found my way to the largest and was met by two large vultures which stared me down . Spears in hand , they crossed them before me , forcing me to stumble backwards. The large r of the two began to chuckle , peeking towards large tent . Exiting it was a giant man-like raven. At first he resembled like a man in a raven-like suit (as the Indians in the movies wore) , but upon closer examination I found his eyes blinked, large golden orbs which looked upon me striking fear into my body as a smile curled over his beak, his talons gripping at the dirt as he reached forward and offered me his feathered hand. I hesitated and he let out a small caw of laugh ter “It’s alright I’m not going to hurt you…” He spoke , relieving my anxiety as I reached forward and shook his hand . They had led me inside when I finally spoke, “You speak English!” I tried to calm my tone of voice , but it was loud and excited . Almost and all the birds and other avian started to laugh hysterically , making me blush out of embarrassment. The larger raven spoke up “No, you speak our language, you see you are a nature creature now…Like a Dryad you see.” He attempted to explain , reminding me of back home when I played a dryad in D&D . Maybe I was going insane and I was still asleep. I shook off this feeling and nodded to him “Why am I…” He interrupted my question “I’ll explain later…but now, We feast!” The birds exclaimed , and the raven-man led me to a seat beside his. There was very little meat, what looked to be rats and other small creatures ; further down by the carnivorous avian and nearer my side were fruits and vegetables . Being a vegetarian , my mouth water ed, and I began to put what I could on the plate , just as the others around me did. The avian talked and laughed around the table like humans did back home . It was very homey , and I felt myself forgetting the other world.
And if you don't like my opinions, sorry, but I'm in a rather p*ssy mood right now. My migraine is back with lovely full force, so I immediately apologize that the next twenty-four hours is gonna be pure sarcasm.
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 5:48 pm
Pissy mood or not, Atra was/is right. ^^ I agree with everything she is saying.
I feel that this story would have been better OUT of first person. As anyone could tell, I am not a big fan of first person writing, and to be honest, neither is anyone else, unless the story really, really needs it. Catcher in the Rye is the ONLY good first person writing I have read, and even then, it is somehow hard to get into. (although, I love it to freakin' death!) But anyways.
I like the premise of your story. I am not going to get into corrections because Atra is a Goddess and has done all the hard work. Again, this is a great start, you just need to work on some things that are easy to reconstruct. You should take this information and work it into your next project, I think you will find it has helped. ^^
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