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 Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 8:25 am
So my fiancee and I recently got engaged, yay right? It was at first, but now things are starting to get iffy. Before we were engaged things went smoothly, and everything was good. He respected my hobbies (cosplay, Lolita, costuming), My religion (I'm wiccan, he's christian), and things like that. When we had an argument we talked like adults about it, never accusing each other or bringing things up (past problems, things like that) and throwing it in each others faces.
However since we got engaged things have drastically changed.
The other night I jokingly suggested that he cosplay Frensen (from the japanesse muscal Rose of Versailles) to match my cosplay of Marie Antoinette and he freaked out about how he wasn't going to dress all faggy. Now before anyone says 'well maybe you were pestering him about cosplaying', no that had been the first time I had said anything other then at halloween where I asked if he wanted me to bring any of my cosplay outfits for him since I knew he didn't have a costume.
When I stay over at his house, and if I'm there on Sunday I will go to Church with him, even though I don't like it much. The incense they use is a really heavy thick smoke and it messes up my breathing (asthma/bronchitis). However I went into a local wiccan store and told him that if he felt uncomfortable going in there he could go to the game/music store a couple stores over. No, he wanted to go in, that was fine. But the second we went in there he started cracking jokes and made me so embarrassed that I left without getting what I wanted.
I asked him to do two things for me. Not to tell racist jokes or say '(blank) is so gay.' He can't even seem to do that. He's always telling racist jokes, calling blacks n****r, Native americans spear chuckers, and I'm part native. and when he gets mad about something the first thing that comes out of his mouth 'that is so gay!' He asked me to not talk bad or say jokes pertaining to the church, bible and jesus, so I don't. But he's always cracking jokes about wiccans and wikipedia.
I find I go out of my way to go places with him like Racing, Church, hell I even stood outside in the freezing cold from 11- 2am waiting for him to get his copy of Wrath of the Lich king (world of warcraft) then played it with him. I don't have many hobbies, but what I do have he can't seem to respect them. I mean if he doesn't want to cosplay that's fine, but don't sit there and call it faggy.
I feel like the relationship is slipping through my fingers and I don't know how to save it.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:04 am
♥•→мιss•νιxxιє←•♥
Hi Sephina.
Well, dear. I really honestly don't know how to address this situation lightly. It seems like he was the nice caring man most women want in their lives, but now that he's made sure he's got you where he wants to be, pulled the plug on you like a jackass. {Pardon my french.}
What he's doing is not just wrong, but very emotionally stressful to you and hurtful. It's not right that he keeps doing things you've asked him not to do, which in all honesty is childish behavior. He's acting like a seven year old, and he should very well damn grown up if he's talking marriage with someone..
Now, I know some people don't like Cosplay, but honestly, it's not something to make fun of if your spouse or loved one likes and enjoys doing it. It's not "Gay". I have straight friends that do it all the time. And the point with him being racist and making racial slurs is very very very bad. He's going to end up saying that to the wrong persons face one day, and the judgment will be him getting servery hurt. Especially if you live in a city environment. And making fun of Native Americans. Well, that's an insult to alot of people. I'm part Native American myself.
Wican religion does take time for Christian's to get use to. I was baptized a Christian, and studied Wiccan throughout most of my high-school year till I decided I wasn't ready to settle down with a religion. It was hard for my parents to take to, only my mother knew and said "It was a phase". But he shouldn't make fun of something your in love and happy with.
He's acting like a child, and in my opinion, you need to have a word with him. If he doesn't straighten out and continues to emotionally hurt you like this, then I believe you should give him the slip. Give him that ultimatum.
Maybe he'll straighten up then, or not. Either way, it will be healthier for you in the long run dear.
I'm sorry if it sounds so rudely put. It's morning, and I'm groggy. No offense towards you dear, and I hope you get the situation situated.
Good Luck.
-Miss Vixxie
╄━Ħεℓℓ Ιѕ Sø βεąu†їғuℓ━╃ I† Шøuℓđ †øямεη† Αη Αηġεℓ †ø ╄━Iηѕąηї†ψ━╃
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:29 am
I agree. It sounds like he is a really disrespectful guy. Sit him down for a serious talk. If he can't shape up and respect you, this might not be a relationship that can last and be healthy for you both.
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Posted: Sat Feb 07, 2009 6:22 am
I have heard that a lot of guys will tend to do this sort of character change once they get engaged. It can be a couple of things. One, he might have always been like that and has just been putting on a play for you for the past few years/months that you've been dating, so that he can get and hold you. Now that you're engaged, he feels more comfortable showing who he "really" is, so he isn't performing anymore. You need to then evaluate if this is the type of person you want to spend the rest of your life with. As unhappy as you sound right now, I think you already know that answer. Because if it is this option, the likelihood of him changing back is rather slim.
On a more hopeful note, he could be reacting badly to the thought of getting engaged. Men have it trained into them that they are not supposed to want the "ol' ball and chain" act. Therefore, he could be reacting to that, and be acting out in the hopes that he'll drive you away and then he isn't to blame for the fail of the engagement. But then he can go back to his single life that he already knew so well. If this is the case, sit down and talk with him about his behavior and your expectations. Really firm up for yourself what are non-negotiables, and what are things you can deal with. If him making fun of your religion is a non-negotiable, but calling cosplay gay ocassionally because it helps him feel masculine isn't, then express that. Express the problems and pose solutions. Men are, on the whole, a very solution oriented group. They want to hear the problem, and how they can fix it. If you can't reach a resolution, refer to number one.
And finally, it could just be that he is nervous about the wedding. My mom told me she has never seen couples fight more than when they are engaged. This being said, I think that what it takes is a bit of pre-marital counseling, which I highly encourage for any engaged couple. My boyfriend and I started it a while back and the couples counseling is a really great and safe place to talk. If you live in the US, there are healthy marriage seminars that are free around the country. If you go to that, it might be a way to warm him up to counseling.
Best of luck to you! And remember, you always need to do what's best for YOU...if you marry him, things aren't going to get better. They'll end up getting worse and divorce is a lot harder than breaking off an engagement. It's also easier to have a cooling down period and be separated when you're engaged than when you're married.
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Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:55 pm
Honestly, I believe that when things like this occur, it's best to address these things immediately. If not, the situation will indeed slip through your fingers. I have nothing to really speak on, about the racism because what's between you all is between you all. But as far as the relationship, it is always better to address your feelings and concerns to him. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed May 13, 2009 9:39 pm
Sometimes people don't realize just how rude they sound when they talk like that. Let him know that it bothers you and that it really does hurt your feelings when he makes cracks about your religion, uses racial slurs or calls things gay.
In my experience it's just this weird posturing thing that hetero males do. They get used to doing it around their bros and forget that the rest of the world actually does get offended when you call them rude names.
Just... gently remind him of these things, without getting too accusatory, or he'll stop listening.
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