Welcome to Gaia! ::

I'm typing this here because I want to feel like I've talked to someone, with out actually having done so. And no ever comes here, essentially making this introduction ******** worthless.

There are mornings I go to wake up and wish I hadn't. I just want to go back to sleep and never wake up. Those mornings used to be far apart, now they're almost every day.

I go to a s**t community college.

I have a s**t job.

My friends suck.

My family hates me.

Now, I know anyone reading this will go, "That's not true, blah blah blah!"

Lots of people hate me. I'm the same arrogant, stuck up, attention whorish, pompous douche bag I am online in real life. I'm not afraid of what anyone can do to me, because the worst thing they can do is kill me, and sometimes that doesn't feel to bad.

My friends are bigger assholes than me. I try to talk about my problems, and they think I want them to feel bad for me. I ******** hate when people feel bad for me.

I live with my grandparents, a dead beat uncle, a former crack addict aunt and her boyfriend, and a senile dog that pisses on the carpet and shits on the floor because she's about to die.

The dead beat uncle of mine is a drunk. He's also a bum. He's lived here since he got out of prison when I was a kid.

My grandmother would tell me that hate was a strong word when I'd talk about him. Hate's not a strong enough word to describe the enmity I feel for him.

When I was a kid I was exposed to him for long periods of time without supervision. When drunk, he turns violent. And he was always drunk.

He would threaten me and taunt me. His favorite way of doing this was talking under his breathe loud enough so I could hear him, often about killing me or my family. I was afraid of him. The only person I have or will ever be afraid of.

My Grandmother, him being her son never did anything about it.

These days, he goes out of his way to upset me, generally calling my mom, his sister, things like a coke whore, and saying things like how she didn't want me.

These things get to me because as a child, I was generally not given a lot of love or attention, in fact my family doesn't ever say "I love you". I can't remember the last time someone in my family said those words to me. I grew up like the song "21st Century Digital Boy" by Bad Religion. I don't know how to live but I've got a lot of toys. I'm sort of afraid no one will ever want me. I don't know why, the people who don't hate me love me, and if I don't say something stupid I'm generally saying something wiser than I should have knowledge of.

Now I'm not afraid of him, but when he starts yelling at me, I get that instinct like I'm afraid. I start to shake and have a fight or die mentality.

If there anyone I think deserves death it is him.

I'm 20, and I need a better job so I can get a place to live, or I'll probably do the b*****d a favor and kill him.

And then there's school. I sort of developed small friendships with people I smoke with at school, we smoke in the same place, so therefor we kind of talk to each other so as not to be awkward. They want to be friends with me outside of such events. One girl in particular got my number from my friend and appears to be interested in forming a relationship with me. I'm not interested. My friend thinks I should be.

This girl isn't ugly, she isn't dumb, she isn't boring, there's nothing wrong with her. I just don't like her. She isn't my type. My friend thinks I'm an idiot and is trying to pressure me into pursuing the girl, and she keeps dropping hints. I don't care. I don't want her, nor will I ever.

School itself is bad, as I need to be taking one more class than I am. I am trying very hard to get into classes to no avail, and it has reached the point in which no teacher will allow me to enter their classes. No matter how hard I try.

you best be trollin'

If not though, well, moving somewhere would be a start, but you'd have to work on yourself. I'm sure I'm probably just repeating things you already know, but still. A helpful book I've read in the self-improvement area was "The Greatest Salesman In The World", by Og Mandino. Everytime I read it I feel uplifted, it's pretty cool. I've always thought you were an alright kinda guy, if that counts for anything.

Failing all that though, you could just write songs and become a world famous alt. rock star until your suicide at age 27. wink May not be the worst option for all of us actually, considering the s**t that's supposed to go down in the next couple of years...