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Desirable Conversationalist
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 Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 9:08 am
All right, this is an excerpt from a much larger piece, and I just want to know if this climax is any good. BE AS HONEST AS YOU CAN BE! Don't sugar-coat ANYTHING, I can take whatever criticism (and bull s**t) you guys can throw at me. I've been working on this manuscript since the spring of '04 and am currently in the process of editing. ((Oh, and if you're going to give an opinion, don't just say "That's cool" or "That sucks" without TELLING ME WHY. A writer can't get better/take advice without knowing what was so 'good' or 'bad' about her writing, which is why I'm posting my work publicly!))
At this point in the story, the main character (Rane) is meeting her lover (Neo) for the first time in months after being deceived into believing he was murdered. (Yes, it sounds like a bad soap, but this is a fantasy/romance genre manuscript... You guys just get a romance clip. ^_^ heart )
It was the creak of the door on the other side of the room that drew Rane’s gaze, but it was a pair of eyes that instantly commanded her attention… dark, fierce, strikingly intelligent eyes bearing unquestionable authority; piercing, perfectly composed eyes of a king of kings and the feral, lethal eyes of a bestial creature born of blood and fangs. Gorgeous eyes that burst from around the irises a deep green and faded away into a galaxy of endless gray… Eyes Rane had believed she would only ever see again in her dreams…
They burned through her soul in a way only they could; igniting life in Rane she had thought she’d lost, carrying her away into the dark, enigmatic void that defined them. Rane’s heart hammered to a stand-still with all the rest of time as the master of those eyes at last came into view. She knew that man’s face… the thick mass of attractive golden hair, the black uniform and curved katana… Rane loved that man more than she had ever loved anything in her entire life…
“You…!”
Her voice came breathless, incredulous. Rane feared to say his name lest it make him vanish. The sound of her own voice sounded far away against the loud hammering of her heart in her ears. Her eyes were wide, glazed with tears. He couldn’t be standing there, not ten feet away from her. It was impossible… he was dead!
His eyes softened at seeing the way she must have been trembling; it felt like a dream, seeing him take a step toward her. Rane thought her heart might break all over again at the sight of him before her. Her mind refused to let her believe what her eyes were telling her. Or perhaps her mind feared to believe what her eyes were telling her… lest it be nothing more than a deception meant to torment her.
“Rane…”
Her lungs constricted and choked off the air coming down her trachea. Rane gave a gasp that let loose the large tears that had been sitting on her eyelashes. The sound of his voice ripped through the silence and pierced through her very core. His voice had been real… it had rung out across the room in the exact way she remembered it: the phlegmatic calm and seductive composure… Could it really be true?
“Neo…?” Rane heard herself stammer, frightened of what would happen in reaction to her audacity. Seeing the recognition in his eyes, however, couldn’t have been a mistake. His faded smile touched on his lips, and he gave an encouraging nod, daring to take another step toward her.
Neo Mashari… the man Rane had never believed she would see again, stood before here with a calm plea in his eyes… the eyes she had fallen in love with at first sight. It all crashed into her in a rush of wild abandon. It was real. He really was standing there… right there! Standing there, begging her to come to him, to take his outstretched hand.
“NEO!”
The world melted away into a puddle of insignificance as she at last gave herself over to the truth. Rane rushed into Neo’s outstretched arms and collapsed into their wonderfully familiar, powerful embrace. Touching him electrified her senses; she buried her face into his chest and wept uncontrollably into his shoulder as she basked in the feel of having his arms around her, of having his hands against the bare of her back and torso. It was euphoria unlike anything Rane had ever experienced. Her knees gave out from under her, but he went down with her, slowing their descent until they were both on their knees.
“Oh Rane, I’m so sorry…” he whispered into her ear, igniting the life in her again. Hearing him speak to her was inexplicable; to be able to talk to him again, after believing she never would… Feeling the hard muscles toning his broad, lean frame against her beneath his clothes was a sensation all its own, one Rane had dreamt of in the most secret places of her mind. She couldn’t help but wrap her arms around his neck and gently pull her face out of his shoulder to drag her lips tentatively up the muscles in his neck before meeting his ear; breathing shallowly out of shock and the last threads of incredulity still woven through her.
“Neo…” she breathed, reaching up with a hand to cup the side of his face in it to pull him closer as she whispered in his ear, helplessly intoxicated by his wonderfully familiar scent of fresh rain and cinnamon, “Oh Neo, it’s really you…!”
Hearing him sigh against her and hold her tighter in his arms was rapture, “Yes, Rane, it is… it’s me…” he replied with breathless relief before turning his head in one swift, fluid movement and burying her in a kiss that sent all coherent thought tumbling away into oblivion.
**Oh... and one more thing... If ANYONE decides to take MY work and put THEIR name on it, I WILL find you, and I WILL ensure that you will rue the day your mother ever spread her legs for your father! THIS IS NO IDLE THREAT/WARNING.**
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Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 12:51 pm
Wah, it's so wonderfully descriptive. It's an awesome piece; I can actually envision the guy's eyes. Plus, you spent a nice piece of time working on the descriptions and comparing her feelings to make them more relatable (is that even a word??)
It's wonderful, luv whee
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Mar 14, 2009 2:19 pm
Atra Angel Wah, it's so wonderfully descriptive. It's an awesome piece; I can actually envision the guy's eyes. Plus, you spent a nice piece of time working on the descriptions and comparing her feelings to make them more relatable (is that even a word??)
It's wonderful, luv whee
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:27 pm
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 1:29 pm
XD I am just kidding!
Finally! I have been waiting for someone to actually write some girth!
And here it is! I am the description loving lady!
I am telling you! Every little thing is spelled out just beautifully!
Even something simple as smell, the eye description.
Very lovely. I hope to read some more. ^^
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Posted: Mon Mar 23, 2009 12:29 pm
Please don't shoot me. There were two things I had trouble with.
One. The name Neo. It's just too connected, at least for me to the Matrix. When I read that name the first thing I think of is Keanu Reeves. Maybe this is what you want and then you've accomplished it. smile And I know it can be pretty hard to give up a name you've worked with especially if the project has been on your computer for the last couple years, but you might want to weigh the pros and cons using that name.
Two. Just reading the first couple of paragraphs, I can feel the tremendous grip of focused editing... you need to calm down a bit with it and not struggle to edit so much. Sometimes the smoothest thing to do is say it as it is first envisioned. And for all I know, maybe I'm completely wrong, but there's a feeling of being forced in that first paragraph.
Other than that I did enjoy the following paragraphs where your writing seemed to flow from sentence to sentence. It seemed you were more relaxed and probably not as self-conscious by that point.
I suffer from the same problem, I edit too much when I should be simply writing.
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:07 pm
Chihiro Fey Please don't shoot me. There were two things I had trouble with. One. The name Neo. It's just too connected, at least for me to the Matrix. When I read that name the first thing I think of is Keanu Reeves. Maybe this is what you want and then you've accomplished it. smile And I know it can be pretty hard to give up a name you've worked with especially if the project has been on your computer for the last couple years, but you might want to weigh the pros and cons using that name. Two. Just reading the first couple of paragraphs, I can feel the tremendous grip of focused editing... you need to calm down a bit with it and not struggle to edit so much. Sometimes the smoothest thing to do is say it as it is first envisioned. And for all I know, maybe I'm completely wrong, but there's a feeling of being forced in that first paragraph. Other than that I did enjoy the following paragraphs where your writing seemed to flow from sentence to sentence. It seemed you were more relaxed and probably not as self-conscious by that point. I suffer from the same problem, I edit too much when I should be simply writing.
But as far as Neo goes, I'm not going to change his name. I have seriously considered it, and have tried wholeheartedly to find another name that might replace it, but I couldn't manage it. He looks and behaves nothing like Keanu Reeves, and the story has no correlation whatsoever to the Matrix. I named him before I ever watched the Matrix, and refuse to alter Neo's name for the sake of a label placed on the name by Hollywood. If it's published, people are just going to have to get over their preconceived notions and learn to see my character for who he is. Changing his name now, after having progressed so far into the story, would alter his identity in my mind, and I refuse to do that.
Thank you very much for your honesty. I value it more than you know.
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Posted: Sat Mar 28, 2009 8:14 pm
..s.k.i.t.t.l.e.s.. XD I am just kidding!
Finally! I have been waiting for someone to actually write some girth!
And here it is! I am the description loving lady!
I am telling you! Every little thing is spelled out just beautifully!
Even something simple as smell, the eye description.
Very lovely. I hope to read some more. ^^
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:38 pm
Whoa...whoa...whoa...
You were right this is all soap opera-like. In the end when they hugged each other and kissed and cried it was definitely like what you'd see in a movie. Romantic. Happy. Lovey Dovey. Sometimes a but corny. But that's what makes it so good.
I'm curious now. How did Neo (Reminds me of Finding Nemo. xD I recently watched Finding Nemo twice before so sorry if the names reminds me of that cute little clown fish.) die?
Hope you post the rest so I can find out what happened to Neo....
...and read their emotions!!! You really good at that, writing how they feel and describing their features and emotions. I envy that!
I give this five/five stars! Whoo!!!
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 3:58 pm
Ramen_Fox7 Whoa...whoa...whoa... You were right this is all soap opera-like. In the end when they hugged each other and kissed and cried it was definitely like what you'd see in a movie. Romantic. Happy. Lovey Dovey. Sometimes a but corny. But that's what makes it so good. I'm curious now. How did Neo (Reminds me of Finding Nemo. xD I recently watched Finding Nemo twice before so sorry if the names reminds me of that cute little clown fish.) die? Hope you post the rest so I can find out what happened to Neo.... ...and read their emotions!!! You really good at that, writing how they feel and describing their features and emotions. I envy that! I give this five/five stars! Whoo!!!
Thank you. Initially, I thought you were going to go south with the whole 'soap opera' bit, but I must tell everyone that reads this clip that there is a serious history behind this meeting and everything leading up to it. Within context, it isn't 'soapy' at all. The last thing the story is is 'happy and lovey-dovey'. But thank you very much for your honesty and replying civilly. I appreciate it more than you may realize.
And I've no issues with Neo's name reminding you of Finding Nemo, it just helps say that Chihiro Fey's comment on his name being too closely linked to the Matrix (not to sound antagonistic by any means Chihiro, please don't think I'm criticizing your opinion) was more false than what I could have done with my voice alone.
And Neo never died in the story. It was made to look as if he'd been killed so that Rane would force herself to get over her love for him and choose between the two other men selected for her in the story [gosh, you're right, though, the more I write, the more it sounds like a soap! whee ]. He is seriously injured, but he doesn't die.
And thank you about mentioning the emotion in the piece. That was the biggest focus of this particular scene, and I'm grateful you seemed to see that. Unfortunately, the emotion is also what makes it sound melodramatic (perhaps the biggest problem with posting only an excerpt of my work, the context is lost).
And in response to potentially adding more, I have every intention of one day having my work published, so I don't want to post anymore because publishers won't put in print what is already within the public domain. Thank you, though, for responding to what little you were able to read.
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 6:15 pm
Maiden of Lost Memories Ramen_Fox7 Whoa...whoa...whoa... You were right this is all soap opera-like. In the end when they hugged each other and kissed and cried it was definitely like what you'd see in a movie. Romantic. Happy. Lovey Dovey. Sometimes a but corny. But that's what makes it so good. I'm curious now. How did Neo (Reminds me of Finding Nemo. xD I recently watched Finding Nemo twice before so sorry if the names reminds me of that cute little clown fish.) die? Hope you post the rest so I can find out what happened to Neo.... ...and read their emotions!!! You really good at that, writing how they feel and describing their features and emotions. I envy that! I give this five/five stars! Whoo!!!
And I've no issues with Neo's name reminding you of Finding Nemo, it just helps say that Chihiro Fey's comment on his name being too closely linked to the Matrix (not to sound antagonistic by any means Chihiro, please don't think I'm criticizing your opinion) was more false than what I could have done with my voice alone.
And Neo never died in the story. It was made to look as if he'd been killed so that Rane would force herself to get over her love for him and choose between the two other men selected for her in the story [gosh, you're right, though, the more I write, the more it sounds like a soap! whee ]. He is seriously injured, but he doesn't die.
And thank you about mentioning the emotion in the piece. That was the biggest focus of this particular scene, and I'm grateful you seemed to see that. Unfortunately, the emotion is also what makes it sound melodramatic (perhaps the biggest problem with posting only an excerpt of my work, the context is lost).
And in response to potentially adding more, I have every intention of one day having my work published, so I don't want to post anymore because publishers won't put in print what is already within the public domain. Thank you, though, for responding to what little you were able to read.Oh yeah! Sorry, sorry! >_< I know he didn't die since he's obviously still alive but I meant to put it in....like, how did he 'supposedly' die? hehe. It seemed kind of lovey dovey and happy in the end cause...he's ALIVE!!! That's a happy ending. Unless something worse happens next!? O_o Once you get this published, is the name going to be the same? I'll have you know I'll be on the look out for this story! *wink* Once it gets published. *wink wink* I'll be on the look out *wink wink wink* To read more. *wink* Yeah you get the point.
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Posted: Mon Apr 06, 2009 2:16 pm
Ramen_Fox7 Maiden of Lost Memories Ramen_Fox7 Whoa...whoa...whoa... You were right this is all soap opera-like. In the end when they hugged each other and kissed and cried it was definitely like what you'd see in a movie. Romantic. Happy. Lovey Dovey. Sometimes a but corny. But that's what makes it so good. I'm curious now. How did Neo (Reminds me of Finding Nemo. xD I recently watched Finding Nemo twice before so sorry if the names reminds me of that cute little clown fish.) die? Hope you post the rest so I can find out what happened to Neo.... ...and read their emotions!!! You really good at that, writing how they feel and describing their features and emotions. I envy that! I give this five/five stars! Whoo!!!
And I've no issues with Neo's name reminding you of Finding Nemo, it just helps say that Chihiro Fey's comment on his name being too closely linked to the Matrix (not to sound antagonistic by any means Chihiro, please don't think I'm criticizing your opinion) was more false than what I could have done with my voice alone.
And Neo never died in the story. It was made to look as if he'd been killed so that Rane would force herself to get over her love for him and choose between the two other men selected for her in the story [gosh, you're right, though, the more I write, the more it sounds like a soap! whee ]. He is seriously injured, but he doesn't die.
And thank you about mentioning the emotion in the piece. That was the biggest focus of this particular scene, and I'm grateful you seemed to see that. Unfortunately, the emotion is also what makes it sound melodramatic (perhaps the biggest problem with posting only an excerpt of my work, the context is lost).
And in response to potentially adding more, I have every intention of one day having my work published, so I don't want to post anymore because publishers won't put in print what is already within the public domain. Thank you, though, for responding to what little you were able to read.Oh yeah! Sorry, sorry! >_< I know he didn't die since he's obviously still alive but I meant to put it in....like, how did he 'supposedly' die? hehe. It seemed kind of lovey dovey and happy in the end cause...he's ALIVE!!! That's a happy ending. Unless something worse happens next!? O_o Once you get this published, is the name going to be the same? I'll have you know I'll be on the look out for this story! *wink* Once it gets published. *wink wink* I'll be on the look out *wink wink wink* To read more. *wink* Yeah you get the point.
Lol, you're cute. heart Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of Rane and Neo's hardships (and I don't want to give too much away about Neo's feigned death, that'd ruin some of the surprise). The first book doesn't end very happily, to be honest. Rane banishes herself from the world they inhabit and Neo is left to discover a method to get her back throughout the rest of the series (a LOT goes into the 'why' behind this). The title will remain the same. "Lost Memories" are what the entire backbone of the story revolves around.
I'm really glad that you like the piece. If you keep your eyes open, you'll certainly see the rest of the story in print down the road. I put my heart and soul into this manuscript, and adore every aspect of the story. I hope to someday share my love and passion for Rane and Neo's story with others.
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:01 am
Wonderful!
Not a spelling error in sight. Also, it is quite romantic and I love the plot. I wish I could read the whole story. I agree about the first couple of paragraphs having a tremendous grip of editing.
Other than that, this is a wonderful piece of writing. I'm quite attached to it already.
-Chii-Chan.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 8:40 pm
Chihirin TsukiHime Wonderful!
Not a spelling error in sight. Also, it is quite romantic and I love the plot. I wish I could read the whole story. I agree about the first couple of paragraphs having a tremendous grip of editing.
Other than that, this is a wonderful piece of writing. I'm quite attached to it already.
-Chii-Chan.
Thank you very much for your honesty. I have every intention of having my manuscript published within the next couple years, so keep your eyes open, and hopefully you will be able to read the complete story. I'll have to look over the first couple paragraphs closely, I still don't see this grip on editing that has twice been mentioned. Then again, that's the reason I posted this. Thank you again for your insight.
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Desirable Conversationalist
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Posted: Fri May 01, 2009 10:42 am
Wow that was wonderfully done. Very descriptive. I could actually picture Neo's eyes and the way that Rane felt when she saw him there. It's so amazing. I hope there is more of this to read. The paragraphs were really well set out too, and there was definatly no spelling mistakes that I could see. I wish you great luck with getting this published if you ever do. And if it comes out in Australia as a book I am sooo going to buy a copy biggrin I would love to read the whole story biggrin
The thing I liked best about it was that it's not completely cliche love scene, it's very well written and I believe that if anyone read this they would want to read the rest of the story instantly. LOVES IT!!! Well done! A big pat on the back for you heart heart
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