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 Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:38 am
`Ai everyone. My name’s Dai so call me that. I will be writing it in third person. My literature includes male homosexuality. There is also much illegal actions, suggestive and sexual themes and strong language so if any of that offends you please do not read any of my work. Thank you.
Also, the title is still in development, thanks.
Before You Read;
a) please do not post this anywhere else; not even tads,
b) please keep in mind, i would adore critiques as well as wholehearted opinion.
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 1:39 am
Prologue;
See Me, See This
“…Harley…Harley…Harley!”
Harley-Silas lifted his head from the bedspread and stared blankly at the blurry figure in front of his glasses-less eyes. “Jesus Christ, Harley, my GPA is at stake here! If I don’t get into a good college my mom is going to murder me with the letter of rejection from Harvard! You act like you don’t even give a s**t about me!” Harley licked his thin red lips as he slipped on his rounded glasses. After adjusting them for about five seconds, he fixated his pupils on the frowned face of his friend, Abigail. “Abby, I beg for your indulgence, however, I must sleep. It is almost three in the morn and I cannot possibly wake up at seven if we keep on. It’s highly suggested a male of my age gets eight hours of sleep but due to this I will only get but a few. Now,” Harley planted himself on the floor, gathering his messenger’s bag and all of his previous contents which were not sprayed across Abby’s bed. “Harley, I need more help! Not to mention, like you said it is almost three in the morning and you can’t possibly go home at this time of night. There are killers and muggers this late!” Harley zipped the silver to the end of the line and smiled softly at Abby; the kind of smile that would make a loveless bitter old man melt to the floor. “Abbey, I’m so pleased you’re concerned about my wellbeing but I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy; I can walk home by myself. Thank you for your worry. Goodbye, Abbey.” Harley bowed lightly and left Abbey’s bedroom and out of the apartment, waving a goodbye to her roommate whose name had frequently escaped him and it was obvious why; Abbey’s roommate was a deadbeat. All he did was smoke pot and ******** random women who came once and never came back; Harley assumed he was either a horrible ******** or those were just prostitutes. Harley wasn’t rude; never. He was just opinionated; that was all there was to it. It wasn’t as if he said anything. That would be social suicide.
Harley’s sneakers slapped onto the damp sidewalk at a moderate rate, not too slow, not too fast. Harley had never walked alone at such a late time of night but he was confident. He was confident that there would be no muggers, no murderers, no rapists, nothing. It couldn’t ever happen to him. Harley was Harley-Silas and Harley-Silas was Harley-Silas Benjamin Fontaine; no one could compare and nothing, absolutely nothing, could hurt him. As far as, Harley was concerned he was invincible. Besides, this wasn’t a movie. Nothing exciting ever happened in real life unless you were on some hidden camera show. Harley would kill for something new for his recent cravings for a thriller.
Harley took a turn into the five-n-dime, smiling at the beeping that rung on his ears once he stepped inside. “Hello, welcome.” Harley smiled at her and furthered into the convenience store, heading straight for his favorites: Crystal light raspberry ice slurpee. Harley approached the icy freezer, breathing lightly on the glass. Oh, how he could just taste the eye-opening raspberry that he hoped would be rolling around his tongue. My, the chill of it…Absolutely captivating. Harley snatched the freshest smelling cup from the freezer and shut the door violently back, happy as a child in a candy store. He skipped off to the check-out counter, bought his slurpee and slipped out of the stores entrance doors, whimsical with happiness. Was with whimsical happiness. A few feet from store Harley walked with such purity. Such confidence but unfortunately such was never meant to last. The frozen beverage fell to the ground creating a blue pool just centimeters away from Harley’s sneakers. A glove clasped itself on Harley’s mouth, a silver blade caressing his neck. Harley kicked through the air and pulled at the glove, each tug and drag in vain. “Don’t squirm so much; my hand might slip and cut this pretty neck of yours.” A man’s voice; a man’s intimidating voice that sent chills up and down Harley’s spine. Before Harley could attempt a scream, his legs settled, his breathing neutralized.
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Posted: Fri Mar 20, 2009 5:08 pm
spiked sweetheart Prologue;
See Me, See This
“…Harley…Harley…Harley!”
Harley-Silas lifted his head from the bedspread and stared blankly at the blurry figure in front of his glasses-less eyes. “Jesus Christ, Harley, my GPA is at stake here! If I don’t get into a good college my mom is going to murder me with the letter of rejection from Harvard! You act like you don’t even give a s**t about me!” Harley licked his thin red lips as he slipped on his rounded glasses. After adjusting them for about five seconds, he fixated his pupils on the frowned face of his friend, Abigail.
“Abby, I beg for your indulgence, however, I must sleep. It is almost three in the morn and I cannot possibly wake up at seven if we keep on. It’s highly suggested a male of my age gets eight hours of sleep but due to this I will only get but a few. Now,” Harley planted himself on the floor, gathering his messenger’s bag and all of his previous contents which were not sprayed across Abby’s bed.
“Harley, I need more help! Not to mention, like you said it is almost three in the morning and you can’t possibly go home at this time of night. There are killers and muggers this late!” Harley zipped the silver to the end of the line and smiled softly at Abby; the kind of smile that would make a loveless bitter old man melt to the floor.
“Abbey, I’m so pleased you’re concerned about my wellbeing but I’ll be fine. I’m a big boy; I can walk home by myself. Thank you for your worry. Goodbye, Abbey.” Harley bowed lightly and left Abbey’s bedroom and out of the apartment, waving a goodbye to her roommate whose name had frequently escaped him and it was obvious why; Abbey’s roommate (This is boardering on a double negative, such as, reconfirming what you had intially referred this character was and is, you can actually delete this possessive, if you wanted too) was a deadbeat. All he did was smoke pot and ******** random women who came once and never came back; Harley assumed he was either a horrible ******** or those were just prostitutes. Harley wasn’t rude; never. He was just opinionated; that was all there was to it. It wasn’t as if he said anything. That would be social suicide.
Harley’s sneakers slapped onto the damp sidewalk at a moderate rate, not too slow, not too fast. Harley had never walked alone at such a late time of night but he was confident. He was confident that there would be no muggers, no murderers, no rapists, nothing. It couldn’t ever happen to him. Harley was Harley-Silas and Harley-Silas was Harley-Silas Benjamin Fontaine; no one could compare and nothing, absolutely nothing, could hurt him. As far as Harley was concerned, he was invincible. Besides, this wasn’t a movie, (This is the same idea, no need for a period.) nothing exciting ever happened in real life unless you were on some hidden camera show. Harley would kill for something new for his recent cravings for a thriller.
Harley took a turn into the five-n-dime, smiling at the beeping that rung on his ears once he stepped inside. “Hello, welcome.” Harley smiled at her and furthered into the convenience store, heading straight for his favorites: Crystal light raspberry ice slurpee. Harley approached the icy freezer, breathing lightly on the glass. Oh, how he could just taste the eye-opening raspberry that he hoped would be rolling around his tongue. My, the chill of it… Absolutely captivating! (This seems more like an exclamation type phrase, you can use a period but the exclamation makes it more dramatic) Harley snatched the freshest smelling cup from the freezer and shut the door violently back, happy as a child in a candy store. He skipped off to the check-out counter, bought his slurpee and slipped out of the store's entrance doors, whimsical with happiness. Was with whimsical happiness... (to make this more powerful, use the three little dots, its a bit more mystifying rather than a fragment) A few feet from the store Harley walked with such purity. Such confidence but unfortunately such (I would find another word because such three times does not flow, however, it is not a necessary change needed) was never meant to last. The frozen beverage fell to the ground creating a blue pool just centimeters away from Harley’s sneakers. A glove clasped itself on Harley’s mouth, a silver blade caressing his neck. Harley kicked through the air and pulled at the glove, each tug and drag in vain. “Don’t squirm so much; my hand might slip and cut this pretty neck of yours.” A man’s voice, a man’s intimidating voice that sent chills up and down Harley’s spine. Before Harley could attempt a scream, his legs settled, his breathing neutralized.
I do like your writing, it is a great start to a story. I do love ideas that are written around cruel ironies, much like this one where he thinks nothing can ever happen to him, yet, here it is, actually happening. I hope that you write more, or at least, elaborate this a bit more because we would like to know more about Harley as a person, so that way we can see the differences this sort of situation is going to take effect not only on him on the outside, but the inside as well. Basically I, and I am sure that the others would agree that we would like to read more about Harley and Abbey as in character design and personality. ^^ As for spelling, grammer and punctuation, I could find very little, some of them are even just a bit on the suggestive side, rather than critical marks, other than a few misplaced semi-colons, nothing else really needs changing. Well that and aside from making sure to press the enter button between the two people talking, like I have shown above. It isn't needed, but the readers here prefer it. ^^ I hope that you continue to write here so we can follow Harley's tale. ^^
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Posted: Sun Mar 22, 2009 5:48 pm
ah. i see. thank ya much for your input and critique. c:
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Posted: Tue Mar 31, 2009 4:09 pm
He was so happy...and then his slushy fell.... surprised crying
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Posted: Sun Apr 05, 2009 12:23 pm
Omg! A homosexual story FINALLY! I love reading those. *giggles manically*
*ahem* anyways, here is how I see Harley. One, he talks so high and mighty so I guess that's his personality, right? Two, he also talks very 'smart-like' so....yeah he's high and mighty and he's smart. Three, yay slushies!
I'm confused, just a little. Abbey is a girl? Why does she have a male roommate? Are they in college or high school? (Since Abbey said something about rejected from Harvard.)
Well....I think that's it. Other than all that I really like your character Harley and I hope he doesn't get raped or mugged by some random killer. RUN HARLEY, RUN! KICK AWAY AND RUN FREE!!!
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