|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:08 pm
 "'What is this', you ask?"
......If I was someone else.
You do what you do because you are you. Make sense?
What if you were someone in a fiction world? The hero? A villain? A beautiful Princess?
You don't know for sure what you will do in that world, do you? But do you know what you'd never ever do whether the reason be 'its stereotypical' or 'I'd rather shoot myself'?
Does that make sense?
Okay, this is how I got this idea: "The infamous lists of 'Things I'll do if I ever become an Evil Overlord'."
But I'm looking at this list, and a lot of it is 'I'll never...'
So what would you never do? Make a list of things that you think a hero/villain/sidekick/damsel-in-distress/whatever should never do. And, if you're feeling up to it, what they should.
Five Man Band:
Hero
Lancer
The Smart guy
The Big Guy
Heart!
With your powers combined, I am Captain- oh wait... forgot the villains...
The Five Bad Band:
The Big Bad!
The Dragon!(hear me roar!!)
Genius? Evil? Sounds wonderful!
The Brute
If the good guys have a girl, so do the evil ones. She has to have a Arch-Nemesis too.
Actually, now that I think about it, its usually the baddies who have a girl and the heroes who don't if any one team doesn't.
I'll post some things from the 'Things I'll do if I ever become an Evil Overlord'
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:22 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
'Things I'll (never) do if I ever become an Evil Overlord'."
#2: My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
#3: My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
#4: Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
#5: The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
#6: I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.
#7 needs to be said: When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."
#9: I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such.
10: I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
The list is 100. More to come.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:25 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#14: The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
#15: I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
#16: I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
#18: I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
#19: I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
#20: Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:28 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#22: No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
#24: I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, This Cannot Be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
#25: No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
#26: No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
#27: I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
Another that must be said: #29: # I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:31 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
Must be said #30: # All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
#32: I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
#33: I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
#34: I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
#35: I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
#36: I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
#39: If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
#40: I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:38 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#54: I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
#59: I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
#61: If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
#67: No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency
#72: If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.
#73: I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
#74: When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
#76: If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
#77: If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
#78: I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:43 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#82: I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.
#84: I will not have captives of one gender guarded by members of the opposite gender.
#85: I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
#88: If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.
#90: I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
#91: I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
#92: If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
#94: When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
#97: My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
And because I know you were wondering: #100: Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:53 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#101: I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I'll do it myself.
#102: I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident — I'm not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.
Must be seen #103: I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I simply choose not show them any.
#104: My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
#106: If my supreme command center comes under attack, I will immediately flee to safety in my prepared escape pod and direct the defenses from there. I will not wait until the troops break into my inner sanctum to attempt this.
#110: I will not employ devious schemes that involve the hero's party getting into my inner sanctum before the trap is sprung.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 8:56 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#112: I will not rely entirely upon "totally reliable" spells that can be neutralized by relatively inconspicuous talismans.
#114: I will never accept a challenge from the hero.
#115: I will not engage an enemy single-handedly until all my soldiers are dead.
#117: No matter how much I want revenge, I will never order an underling "Leave him. He's mine!"
#118: If I have equipment which performs an important function, it will not be activated by a lever that someone could trigger by accidentally falling on when fatally wounded.
#119: I will not attempt to kill the hero by placing a venomous creature in his room. It will just wind up accidentally killing one of my clumsy henchmen instead.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:00 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#121: If I come into possession of an artifact which can only be used by the pure of heart, I will not attempt to use it regardless.
#122: The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
#125: Should I actually decide to kill the hero in an elaborate escape-proof deathtrap room (water filling up, sand pouring down, walls converging, etc.) I will not leave him alone five-to-ten minutes prior to "imminent" death, but will instead (finding a vantage point or monitoring camera) stick around and enjoy watching my adversary's demise.
#126: Rather than having only one secret escape pod, which the hero can easily spot and follow, I'll simultaneously launch a few dozen decoys to throw him off track.
#128: I will not employ robots as agents of destruction if there is any possible way that they can be re-programmed or if their battery packs are externally mounted and easily removable.
#129: Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:06 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#131: I will never place the key to a cell just out of a prisoner's reach.
#134: If I am escaping in a large truck and the hero is pursuing me in a small Italian sports car, I will not wait for the hero to pull up along side of me and try to force him off the road as he attempts to climb aboard. Instead I will slam on the brakes when he's directly behind me. (A rudimentary knowledge of physics can prove quite useful.)
#139: If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
Must be said: #141: As an alternative to not having children, I will have lots of children. My sons will be too busy jockeying for position to ever be a real threat, and the daughters will all sabotage each other's attempts to win the hero.
#142 If I have children and subsequently grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will ask him to first explain to her why it is necessary to kill her beloved grandpa. When the hero launches into an explanation of morality way over her head, that will be her cue to pull the lever and send him into the pit of crocodiles. After all, small children like crocodiles almost as much as Evil Overlords and it's important to spend quality time with the grandkids.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:12 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#145: My dungeon cell decor will not feature exposed pipes. While they add to the gloomy atmosphere, they are good conductors of vibrations and a lot of prisoners know Morse code.
#147: I will classify my lieutenants in three categories: untrusted, trusted, and completely trusted. Promotion to the third category will be awarded posthumously.
#149: Ropes supporting various fixtures will not be tied next to open windows or staircases, and chandeliers will be hung way at the top of the ceiling.
#150: I will provide funding and research to develop tactical and strategic weapons covering a full range of needs so my choices are not limited to "hand to hand combat with swords" and "blow up the planet".
#151: I will not set myself up as a god. That perilous position is reserved for my trusted lieutenant.
#155: If I know of any heroes in the land, I will not under any circumstance kill their mentors, teachers, and/or best friends.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:16 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#156: If I have the hero and his party trapped, I will not wait until my Superweapon charges to finish them off if more conventional means are available.
#159: If I burst into rebel headquarters and find it deserted except for an odd, blinking device, I will not walk up and investigate; I'll run like hell.
#161: I will occasionally vary my daily routine and not live my life in a rut. For example, I will not always take a swig of wine or ring a giant gong before finishing off my enemy.
#162: If I steal something very important to the hero, I will not put it on public display.
#168 I will plan in advance what to do with each of my enemies if they are captured. That way, I will never have to order someone to be tied up while I decide his fate.
#170 I will be an equal-opportunity despot and make sure that terror and oppression is distributed fairly, not just against one particular group that will form the core of a rebellion.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:20 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#171: I will not locate a base in a volcano, cave, or any other location where it would be ridiculously easy to bypass security by rapelling down from above.
#173: Although it would provide amusement, I will not confess to the hero's rival that I was the one who committed the heinous act for which he blames the hero.
#174: If I am dangling over a precipice and the hero reaches his hand down to me, I will not attempt to pull him down with me. I will allow him to rescue me, thank him properly, then return to the safety of my fortress and order his execution.
#177: If a scientist with a beautiful and unmarried daughter refuses to work for me, I will not hold her hostage. Instead, I will offer to pay for her future wedding and her children's college tuition.
#178: If I have the hero cornered and am about to finish him off and he says "Look out behind you!!" I will not laugh and say "You don't expect me to fall for that old trick, do you?" Instead I will take a step to the side and half turn. That way I can still keep my weapon trained on the hero, I can scan the area behind me, and if anything was heading for me it will now be heading for him.
#179 I will not outsource core functions.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Mon Mar 30, 2009 9:26 pm
"'What is this', you ask?"
#182: I will not hold any sort of public celebration within my castle walls. Any event open to members of the public will be held down the road in the festival pavilion.
#186: I will not devise any scheme in which Part A consists of tricking the hero into unwittingly helping me and Part B consists of laughing at him then leaving him to his own devices.
#187: I will not hold lavish banquets in the middle of a famine. The good PR among the guests doesn't make up for the bad PR among the masses.
#189: I will never tell the hero "Yes I was the one who did it, but you'll never be able to prove it to that incompetent old fool." Chances are, that incompetent old fool is standing behind the curtain
#191: I will not appoint a relative to my staff of advisors. Not only is nepotism the cause of most breakdowns in policy, but it also causes trouble with the EEOC.
#192: If I appoint someone as my consort, I will not subsequently inform her that she is being replaced by a younger, more attractive woman.
#195: I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
#199: I will not make alliances with those more powerful than myself. Such a person would only double-cross me in my moment of glory. I will make alliances with those less powerful than myself. I will then double-cross them in their moment of glory.
#200: During times of peace, my Legions of Terror will not be permitted to lie around drinking mead and eating roast boar. Instead they will be required to obey my dietician and my aerobics instructor.
"Why, it is an endless supply of Starbursts.
twisted Be afraid. Be Very Afraid."
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
