Scenes from my book | Page 1 | Prose | Guild Forums

nutzboutanime

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Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 9:57 pm

Okay, so I'm working on my book and I'd like to post some scenes on here for you all to read and critique. I'm hoping to get this published before I graduate (200 cool , so any help will help!! I'll try and provide info you would have already gotten, so that you can understand the scenes.

Okay it you are critiqueing me could you please inclue:
~Something you liked.
~Somthing you didn't like.
~Things you didn't understand/questions.
~One more thing you liked.
~Anything eles.

You can tell me about me about my puntuation problems, but I know I can't spell. So please don't tell me.

~Nutz heart

Posted: Thu Oct 27, 2005 10:08 pm

Okay her is the first scene. Zig is going to be queen someday, and is finaly getting used to it. Razi is a were-cat, she can turn into a full sized tiger at will. She usualy goes around in simi half-form, ie. cat ears, cat tail and the strength. Razi and Zig are best friends. I's still not sure why Zigana is mad at Razi, but I'm sure I'll figure that out. Here it is:

"You!" Zigana screamed at Razi's receding back. "You-"

And here she said something from earth, but her tone and the fight that had happened just before got the point across to those who didn?t understand.

Razi had turned when Zigana had said the vulgar word, but nothing more then that. "Thank you Your Highness," she said, voice stiff with formality. She smiled; apparently Zigana had forgotten that Razi was versed in the earthen languages. "But I am not a female dog. If you are to call me anything involving an animal, you are to call me a tigress." Her smile twitched at the audible gasps in the crowd, she had no right to talk to the future queen that way.

As she had said the last bit, Razi felt the familiar pain as her bones broke and mended, as muscles tore and new ones were formed. Another gasp was heard, Ah, yes she thought this is the first time for many in the council to see me for what I really am. Looking up out of the tops of her eyes, she stood before them in all her glory. This time she had transformed herself more than she normally did when she went to the half stage. Not only did she sport the usual striped tiger tail and ears, and stronger arm and leg muscles. She had grown inch long fangs from 'feline' teeth. Her mouth twitched in a small smile, one just big enough to shoe the fangs.

Slowly lifting her head, she looked eyes with Zigana and lifted her arms out slightly.

"For that is what I am."

nutzboutanime

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Queeny
Captain

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Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 7:00 am

What up nutzaboutamine? It's always good to see fresh young talent. crying Be it that you wanna publish this one day, I'll give this a line edit. I'm totally aware that this is only a small extract from your world story so I won't go crazy and point out stupid things... or will I?!

As I always say, my views are just suggestions and you don't have to take on everything thing I say.

Yeah it would help if we knew why Zig is mad at her friend for her to transform into her full stage. I mean, for best friends to be this angry with each other it has to be something personal that they made a promise on... or whatever.

Quote:

And here she said something from earth, but her tone and the fight that had happened just before got the point across to those who didn?t understand.

This line sounds like you are struggling for an alternative way of saying she swear. You can keep the sentence but lose the word 'here', it just makes it sound like the narrator tore a secetion out of the story and the writer is trying to fill in the gasps. Basically you're stepping out of the story. Something simple like 'She screamed out a degorative insult from earth, a language the spectaors didn't understand but assumed its vulgar intend...etc'

Quote:

Razi had turned when Zigana had said the vulgar word, but nothing more then that. "Thank you Your Highness," [new line or no speech marks] she said, voice stiff with formality. She smiled; apparently Zigana had forgotten that Razi was versed in the earthen languages. "But I am not a female dog. If you are to call me anything involving an animal, you are to call me a tigress." Her smile twitched at the audible gasps in the crowd, she had no right to talk to the future queen that way.

I felt the first line could use a facial expression. It's fine that's she turing but make their eyes catch each others gaze or have her see Zig cross her arms or form fists. Make the situation more aggressive.

I don't understand why the spectaors are gasping or are in any kind of shock. Razi has said nothing out of line in terms of words or tone. Form reading this I sense no ill-intend in Razi words. A smile is nothing to be shocked over.

Quote:

As she had said the last bit, Razi felt the familiar pain as her bones broke and mended, as muscles tore and new ones were formed. Another gasp was heard,. Ah, yes, she thought, this is the first time for many in the council to see me for what I really am. Looking up out of the tops of her eyes, she stood before them in all her glory. This time she had transformed herself more than she normally did when she went to the half stage. Not only did she sport the usual striped tiger tail and ears, and stronger arm and leg muscles. She had grown inch long fangs from 'feline' teeth. Her mouth twitched in a small smile, one just big enough to shoethe fangs.

I would re-word the first sentence because it's vague. Sure you would have explained what she said in the paragraph above but don't lose that detail here. I underlined pain because it sounds weak. Maybe something like 'uncomfotable sensation...' I doubt her bones would be braking, wrong image (But then again) Dislocating is a quick way for bones to mend themselves. Some punctuation bits in bold. I underlined the 'gasp'' because now it just sounds as if one person in the whole room is beside themselves! And why is it only now that her transformation hasw changed slightly then normal? What makes this incident make her lose control?

Quote:

Slowly lifting her head, she looked eyes with Zigana and lifted her arms out slightly.

"For that is what I am."

Any reason why she's lifting her arms out? I mean, I know why but tell the reader that are arms are too muscular to rest by her side. At first I was thinking that she didn't need to transform because she seem unfazed by the insult. Why would she need to prove or show her best friend that she is a tigress?! But then I though if this is in the first for chapters, it might be for the sake of the readers.

Final thought: Yeah, it's okay. The idea of Queens and heir is wearing thin on me, but don't let that minor moan stop you. I would say get a reason why these two are in some kinda of disagreement because it's likely that this sence will change due to the conflict. Nicely written but could do with a few more imagery words. I know it's only a snippet, but an idea of location would help too.

Peace, hope this helped.

Posted: Fri Oct 28, 2005 3:43 pm

Yeah it would help if we knew why Zig is mad at her friend for her to transform into her full stage. I mean, for best friends to be this angry with each other it has to be something personal that they made a promise on... or whatever.

Thats not why she is mad. And Razi transformed into a more cat-like hal-stage, then what she normaly looks like. I think Zig's going ot be mad, because Razi just told her that she is being a snob and her new position is getting to her head. But the promise sounds good.

Quote:

And here she said something from earth, but her tone and the fight that had happened just before got the point across to those who didn?t understand.

This line sounds like you are struggling for an alternative way of saying she swear. You can keep the sentence but lose the word 'here', it just makes it sound like the narrator tore a secetion out of the story and the writer is trying to fill in the gasps. Basically you're stepping out of the story. Something simple like 'She screamed out a degorative insult from earth, a language the spectaors didn't understand but assumed its vulgar intend...etc'

I'll loose the word here. I want to refrain from using curs ward unless it's really important, and I like that Razi knows what it means. xd

Quote:

Razi had turned when Zigana had said the vulgar word, but nothing more then that. "Thank you Your Highness," [new line or no speech marks] she said, voice stiff with formality. She smiled; apparently Zigana had forgotten that Razi was versed in the earthen languages. "But I am not a female dog. If you are to call me anything involving an animal, you are to call me a tigress." Her smile twitched at the audible gasps in the crowd, she had no right to talk to the future queen that way.

I felt the first line could use a facial expression. It's fine that's she turing but make their eyes catch each others gaze or have her see Zig cross her arms or form fists. Make the situation more aggressive.

I don't understand why the spectaors are gasping or are in any kind of shock. Razi has said nothing out of line in terms of words or tone. Form reading this I sense no ill-intend in Razi words. A smile is nothing to be shocked over.

Good Idea! I cut something our I didn't mean to, sorry. She is soposed(sp?) to call her by her name, insted of title.

Quote:

As she had said the last bit, Razi felt the familiar pain as her bones broke and mended, as muscles tore and new ones were formed. Another gasp was heard,. Ah, yes, she thought, this is the first time for many in the council to see me for what I really am. Looking up out of the tops of her eyes, she stood before them in all her glory. This time she had transformed herself more than she normally did when she went to the half stage. Not only did she sport the usual striped tiger tail and ears, and stronger arm and leg muscles. She had grown inch long fangs from 'feline' teeth. Her mouth twitched in a small smile, one just big enough to shoethe fangs.

I would re-word the first sentence because it's vague. Sure you would have explained what she said in the paragraph above but don't lose that detail here. I underlined pain because it sounds weak. Maybe something like 'uncomfotable sensation...' I doubt her bones would be braking, wrong image (But then again) Dislocating is a quick way for bones to mend themselves. Some punctuation bits in bold. I underlined the 'gasp'' because now it just sounds as if one person in the whole room is beside themselves! And why is it only now that her transformation hasw changed slightly then normal? What makes this incident make her lose control?

Okay, pain is accualy and understatement. When she changes for full, her bones must brke and reform differently, in the shape and sranth to soport about 500 pounds. I'll make gasp, gasping. The are gasping, because she goe's around in formal palces, looking human. Most of them, don't know her or what she is, and the one's that do, haven't see her when she didn't look like a human. She hasn't lost control, she is showing Zig that there is more to her then she will ever understand.

Quote:

Slowly lifting her head, she looked eyes with Zigana and lifted her arms out slightly.

"For that is what I am."

Any reason why she's lifting her arms out? I mean, I know why but tell the reader that are arms are too muscular to rest by her side. At first I was thinking that she didn't need to transform because she seem unfazed by the insult. Why would she need to prove or show her best friend that she is a tigress?! But then I though if this is in the first for chapters, it might be for the sake of the readers.

She lifts her arms out to'present' herself to Zig. And it for about the 7th or 8th chapters. I'm not sure what you were meaning by that though.

Final thought: Yeah, it's okay. The idea of Queens and heir is wearing thin on me, but don't let that minor moan stop you. I would say get a reason why these two are in some kinda of disagreement because it's likely that this sence will change due to the conflict. Nicely written but could do with a few more imagery words. I know it's only a snippet, but an idea of location would help too.

Well acctualy, it isn't about queens and heirs. SHe was pulled from earth to be sort of a representaion of humans in the ruling pair (her husband is a mix of the tow most abundent races in Newras). Imagery wards, this really isn't a full scene so don't worry, I'll add some. Again, the location is mentioned before this.

Thanks for the crit.!! heart

nutzboutanime

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Cereah
Crew

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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 3:16 pm

I have to say I was a bit confused when I read it, but that's probably because it's only a small section from a story. I think Queeny pointed out anything I would have said... I do want to compliment you on your physical descriptions though. Your details really helped me visually the transformation!

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