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Reply Writing: Poetry
Tome of Hate

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Priestess of Neptune
Crew

PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:39 pm


I have not posted anything of my own in a while, and since I had to type this up for class, I thought it would be quick and easy to submit here. The guidelines for this:

~Must be a list of things that I write about

~Must rhyme

~May be similar to Robert Herrick's "The Argument of His Book"

~No line number requirement

~No meter requirement

While I do like what I have done in general, I feel that my rhyme scheme detracts from this on the whole, rather than adding to it. Suggestions on this, or any other venue of improvement?

EDIT:

Okay, I am going to use this space to do a little advertising. My final project in Creative Writing is due in 13 days, and is to be a collection of our best poetry work. I have completed the requirements on the rubric, but I feel that it is still incomplete. So, I was wondering if my fellow writers would like some of their pieces displayed along with mine? No, I will not steal your work, and all rights will be reserved to you. I will credit each piece with its author and the link to their profile, as well as any additional information you think I ought to include. So this is to be a sort of tribute section, to all of you here at the guild, who have helped me to improve my writing and editing skills.

EDIT 2: I received a 105% on my final in Creative Writing... pity that my collection was not graced by the works of those here.  
PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:45 pm


I sing of demons and angels,
Bound with my words to their silent vigils.
I sing of truth and deceit,
In language neither simple nor neat.
I speak of the fates and their power,
Subjects, which upon reaching the lip, turn sour.
I sing of fault and prejudice,
Topics that urge the mind to a hastened exodus.
I speak of things that matter,
And dreams that will not come true.
I sing of my world, or rather,
The place in it that I have created
For you.  

Priestess of Neptune
Crew


dragongirl187

PostPosted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 10:29 pm


I like everything except for your rhyme scheme. It takes away the flow of the writing. Also, some of the words (such as neat and won't) don't seem to fit with the overall tone of the poem. I would edit this and try to find a continual rhythm. The short/long rhyming lines work, but try to make everything flow together. (I guess I'm talking about meter. xd ) Also, see if you can find some synonyms for a few words. I would advise turning that won't to will not, since I think it will sound a lot better.
PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 12:17 pm


That's a good suggestion. I had not decided whether I should meter this out or not (that's a bit of work). Perhaps I could just do a trochee or iamb at the end of each line?

I agree that the rhyming detracts from this piece, although I would like to include at least a little bit of it, since I use it so little in my work as a whole.

About the diction: I enjoyed 'neat', because the way I have used it is unusual, but I agree that 'won't' does not belong.

What words do I need to think of synonyms for specifically? A few that I'm considering are 'urge', 'silent', 'come', and 'created'. Are these the ones that jumped out at you?

Priestess of Neptune
Crew


Collote
Crew

PostPosted: Fri May 01, 2009 7:02 pm


I like your poem! I'm sorry that I can't give you (much) advice; poems aren't really 'my thing'. xD

Should there be a period after 'neat'?

I do agree that you should look for synonyms for 'urge', 'silent', 'come', and 'created' (especially 'created')... everything else seems fine.

I would provide you with some pieces for your project... but, although I have plenty of poems, they aren't good. x_x
PostPosted: Sat May 02, 2009 9:41 am


Thank you. Yes, I have added a period, and have removed the contraction from 'won't'. I'll think of some synonyms after I've finished studying for math.

It is fine if you are not comfortable with sharing your poems.

Priestess of Neptune
Crew


Priestess of Neptune
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 4:39 pm


This was skipped over during the re-organization process. Moved to Poetry.
PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:38 pm


Greetings Honorable Priestess,
What an interesting post you link me to.
I was wondering though,
Do you ever write Haikus?

SoulLess316


Priestess of Neptune
Crew

PostPosted: Wed Jan 27, 2010 5:56 pm


Welcome, citizen. I was not aware that you were a member of Gaia.

Interesting in what way?

Haiku? I have written only one recently, as that style requires much more thought and attention than most poetry, despite the deceptive length; I also write more prose than I do poetry.

Why do you ask whether or not I do?
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Writing: Poetry

 
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