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 Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 10:47 am
Heh, I guess this is the first submission. I'm using an old work here so sorryt in advance for the errors... It's a short story I cooked up for some Halloween contest.
The man sweated profusely. It fell off his head like a steel drum. His sapphire eyes didn't know whether to give up and fall into a black daze, or widen with fear. He sat on the simple wooden chair. It was a bad paint job, as the stone paint started to chip off. His hands had turned pale white and started to tremble with pain. The hospital room had dark gloom surrounding it's atmosphere, he took his hand and brushed his slick black hair down to his behind neck. A few strands of hair happened to fall from the weight of the gravity. In his left hand rattled the scaple constantly scraping the arm of the chair.
He couldn't believe what he was doing, it was ludicrous, blasphemic even. He lowered his head in disgust. We all have dark secrets, but Simon's is no longer. His left started to grasp the tool of pain as hard as he could, it was the only way he could think to stop the pain. His right heel tapped the floor like clockwork. The simple dress shoe clopped on and on making the beat of a bad drummer. Even his arms started to sweat, he could feel it under his white lab coat. Staring at the floor as if it were a murky ocean, a small muffled sound made his eyes shoot up with an angry glare.
Although his head was still lowered, the eyes were enough to scare the young nurse. She was young and beautiful. Hell, with those long slender legs, lucious red lips, gorgeous body, and perfect blonde hair... It was enough to drive anyone wild. Simon however, was beserk. She was his dream girl and he was a loser. The classic horror story he would joke in his head, but it suited him quite well. He had asked her out and was rejected... becuase, she had to work late but found her with another man, when he walked by a resturant. He confronted her, and since then she had been a pain to him at work. But today, today was his vengence.
He had duct taped her hands behind the same wooden type chair and taped her ankles around the legs of the chair. She struggled constantly and tried to lift herself from the hunk of wood when she could, but it was shortlived. The piece of crap wouldn't move. The silver reflected from her mouth, from the tape that Simon had pressed so hard against her lips. She muffled and silently screamed when she could, and it only made Simon nervous. Her emerald eyes were now staring at his cold blue holes. She didn't know what he had planned or what he was going to do... it was a tremor come true.
The lampshaded light which hung from a measly wire was all the illuminated the room's area. The scaple then whistled in the air and her ears perked to it's calling. His face shadowed by the darkness with quick flashes revealed from the floating lamp... He had now turned sinister. The scaple was shaking in his hand but he took courage and swiped her leg into a oozing portal of crimson liquid! "MMMPH!" she cried. It trickled down her left white stocking and ended up painting her white nurse shoe. At the same time, her emerald eyes now flooded with tears of pain. He slashed again and she let out another muffled scream! He then slashed her upper chest! And again! And Again! And again and again and again! By this time the poor soul was sobbing her life away as her once clean white uniform was stained with hell.
He walked behind the crying woman with an emotion he had never felt before, POWER! It felt good, it's as if his twenty-nine years of life opression had faded away and overcome with a symphony of joy. He gained a huge smile and choked her neck from behind with his mighty right hand. He then raised up to her chin and pulled her oh so innocent head back. The scaple was now trembling from a state of nirvana that had never come before! His left arm swung back, ignoring the agonizing muffled screams escaping the woman and pushed it back the other way. With a swift movement, the blade slit open the juices of life and spattered it back. It flowed like a red river, and her perfect blonde hair came crashing down like a rock! She couldn't be anymore dead, and he had never felt so alive.
Then it hit him, he had killed a human being, one of his own kind. He didn't even deserve to be called human after that act of vulgarity. He should be locked away in a cage to rot for the rest of meaningless life. His bloodshot eyes started to brun from the tears which left him. He fell to the floor and landed on his bottom. He reamined huddled up until he was found the next morning. They had awoken and arrested him, and he puked from the sight and smell. At that point he wanted to die... but his fate would be much worse that that. Prison.
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Posted: Tue Nov 08, 2005 3:23 pm
A good idea and a decent effort, but, just a bit of friendly criticism, it is way too obvious that this was rushed (though, if this was written for a contest, I guess it's understandable as to why). One bit of advice though: Don't rely too much on pronouns. Try using the characters' names more often so the story has more of a flow and doesn't get too repetitive, and try using more speciffic terms for instances where the word "it" is used (for example, it is unclear in the first sentence of the second paragraph what "it" is referring to until the reader reaches the climax of the story).
If you just take the time to replace most (but not all) of the pronouns, you will be amazed at how much better your work would be.
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The_Wicked_Man Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2005 10:33 am
Thanks for the Constructive Criticism. Heh, I've been really trying to find out my Errors. Thanks for pointing out what needed work... I'll try to remember that next time.
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Posted: Sat Jan 21, 2006 11:13 pm
I also have a little bit a criticism. I thought you explained a bit too much. you gave me so much information, and then the story moved on. I don't really think that second sentence came out right, and your story might be fine without my thought on it, but lost interest a couple of times through those big paragraphs with the explanations....
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Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 4:12 pm
And again, more CC for you, if you wanted it:
From what I read it was really amazing, your thoughts. But like the first reply, it was obvious you rushed it. Maybe you should go over it again now that you have time. Well, anyway, I really think you should take more writing courses. In time and after more literary help, you could have some truely AMAZING stories! It had MANY cliches, which you should really try to find and expell of. Another note: don't put too much emphasis on the eyes when you feel you should be descriptive.
Got anymore stories you would like to post? I'd really like to read them.
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