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 Posted: Wed Jun 03, 2009 10:56 pm
"Crumbling, Crumb by Tear"
I can't focus when the tears keep pouring.
Broken they fall, pour, drip for no apparent reason.
Reason enough I suppose, but at times inopportune.
Can't make sense of what went wrong.
It was me that disappointed, but who was it I let down?
I can't, I CAN'T, it all runs together!
Together with distress, this mess, my tears.
Do I dismiss what's not amiss. . .inside my head?
Day by day my perfect world crumbles.
Crumbles around me cookie crumb by tear.
~END~
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 4:36 pm
The idea of a crumbling tear is a difficult concept to grasp, but it is unique. I'm not sure why, but the last half after the bolded line in the middle is much better than the first half. I think the wording in the first half is awkward, and could flow better. The flow of the second half is very good, however. But, I don't really like having the word "cookie" in the last line. It kind of adds a childish sound when there shouldn't be one. The last line would sound fine as "Crumbed around me, crumb by tear."
Also, don't put down your work saying "something no one will comment." Don't put down your work and don't apologize for anything wrong you might see in your work. Your poem is what it is!
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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 9:30 pm
Cool idea. But I lost my focus in the middle. It felt a little repetitive.
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