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"My Synecdoche"

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phililup

PostPosted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 5:51 pm


O hallow, O hallow, lest we forget
The brighter you courted, the darker you jest
More pleasant the color, the deeper you get
Under the skin, if lest we forget

Thicker and Thicker, the deeper you weave
Under the heart, lodged under the sleeve
Oh Shallow, Oh Shallow, lest we forget
The heart that beats, the sake of the bet

But I have the Myxomatosis
I'm the vehement stoic
For beneath the quiver of the mind's eye
My synecdoche truly lies

Forget her, Forget her, the darker I jest
The pleasantries you offered, I often forget
This is the thickest you've attached yourself yet
O hallow, O hallow, lest we forget.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:23 am


not too sure what it means, but i like i do! i luv the flow and the fact that it seems to tell a story. i really like the use of old language format....did that make sense? no?...sorry. hard to really put into words what i like about this. it just feels....right. *shrugs* is your stuff in the arena? it should be.

Dragons Willow


phililup

PostPosted: Thu Jun 25, 2009 1:08 pm


Thanks for the compliment. Yeah, my more personnel poetry tends to more atmospheric than linear. Um... sorry for asking a stupid question, but what is the arena? Ha ha, thanks.
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 5:12 pm


I love the rhythm of this poem. It moves along so smoothly and it has a steady beat...Except for the 3rd verse. The word "Myxomatosis" throws off the beat and it's pretty much lost until the 4th verse again.

I love your repetition like "O hallow, O hallow," "Thicker and Thicker," "Oh Shallow, Oh Shallow" and "Forget her, Forget her." I also like how you always capitalized after you repeat, such as both "Forget"s capitalized and the "O"s in "O hallow."

I also love your (once again, like in "Determinism") unorganized rhyme, such as "lest" and "jest" but also the more organized rhyming such as "weave" and "sleeve" (organized as in they're both at the end of their lines).

The arena Dragons Willow is speaking of (and the one I mentioned in my reply to "Determinism") is Gaia's Writing Arena. You can reach it by going to
Community>Arenas>Writing or here. :3

Agorphia

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phililup

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:41 pm


Thanks for the constructive feedback, once again. The third verse was my attempt to have a variation in the beat, but on second thought, it might have been a bit sudden.
PostPosted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:31 pm


phililup
Thanks for the constructive feedback, once again. The third verse was my attempt to have a variation in the beat, but on second thought, it might have been a bit sudden.

You're very welcome. :3
I think that if the poem was longer and allowed more time for breaks in the rhythm and the breaks were made more obvious by a structure change, then it would work.

Agorphia

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Love Toxic Kisses

PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:30 pm


wow  
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Poetry

 
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