Welcome to Gaia! ::

Character Abusers Anonymous

Back to Guilds

A writing guild for those who like to torment their characters. 

Tags: writing, character abuse, critique 

Reply Story Sharing, Critique, Etc.
HOLY CRAP ACTUAL WRITING (SoAD Drabble)

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

What should Edward do with the pendant? (just for fun)
  Give it to Claire, go out with her for five seconds, and then dump her.
  Eat it.
  Blast people with ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LASER BEAMS.
  Have a romantic friendship moment with Felix and give it to him.
  Put it around his neck and call it "bling."
View Results

Kita-Ysabell

Distinct Conversationalist

PostPosted: Mon Jun 08, 2009 9:06 pm


To set the scene- Allemande and her friends are at a ball held by the school, we've met them all already, so characterization isn't all "so and so looked such and such" but more... action based, and... this story is misleading. You have to have some idea what's up with the Edward-Felix-Claire thing to get what's going on. So: Edward and Felix were sort of "Those Two Guys" until Claire twisted her ankle (repeatedly) in front of Felix, causing him to do his whole 'chivalrous knight' bit, much to Edward's dismay. Claire, having successfully gotten Felix to carry her about now and again, acted totally coy in his presence, but went behind the scenes to monopolize his time ( ...somewhat. His motives are actually pretty ambiguous.) and end up getting him to ask her to the ball. But to clarify, Edward does not like Claire, and this does not have anything to do with Twilight.

And here it is:
Quote:
The ballroom glowed the deep honey-gold of candlelight on polished wood. Leaning on the balustrade of the balcony that ringed the dance floor, Allemande surveyed the crowd below. There was Lucile, reigning over a gaggle of entranced admirers. Mikah, of course, was nowhere to be seen; she would never survive such a public event. And there, in a space cleared by the sheer force of jealousy, were Claire and Felix.

They were a lovely couple, of course; Claire’s delicate beauty translated well onto the dance floor and Felix projected an air of suave elegance that complimented her nicely. Yet despite her place on the arm of the young man most coveted by the school’s female population, Claire seemed hesitant, unhappy.

Allemande sighed. Tired of standing still, she stretched and considered taking a walk around the balcony. But before she could quite make up her mind, she spotted Edward glaring down at the dancing couples below. She could guess well enough what was on his mind, so she strolled over to him and took up a place at his side.

“You know,” she said, “you can stare all you like. They might even notice you. But it’s not going to change anything.”

He turned to her and scowled. “What do you know?”

Allemande shrugged. “Oh, probably nothing, but…” She took the gold pendant from around her neck and handed it to Edward. “Here. In case you change your mind.” She pushed away from the balustrade and began to walk away, deciding to take that stroll after all.

“Wait!”

She turned around. Edward was standing behind her, the pendant in his hand and a puzzled look on his face. “What the hell am I supposed to do with this?”

Allemande have him a brilliant smile. “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” she told him, and strolled off.

If anyone is so kind as to critique this, I shall feel honored.
PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 12:19 am


I was actually imagining that Allemande gave the pendant to Edward in order to give him the option of returning it to her later in the evening, very publicly, and dancing with her as a sort of "take that" at Claire and Felix.

Just setting the stage for an elaborate farce...

By way of critique, I really don't have much to say, except that I would like to see you do a little bit more with their body language. Some of their actions (i.e. "He turned to her and scowled") are so unparticular that I just sort of skated over them the first time I read it. Now, I'm not saying I want you to wax purple about a simple scowl, but I'm sure you could think up a different way of wording it that you use a lot less often.

The same applies in particular to the image of Edward holding the pendant ("the pendant in his hand"). A lot could be said about him and the way he's reacting to all this by the way he's holding it. Is he gingerly holding onto the chain and letting it dangle as if it were a dead rat? Or is he cradling it in his palm as if he were afraid to break it? That sort of thing.

He should totally eat it. Nobody would see that twist coming. 3nodding

Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
  • Survivor 150
  • Healer 50
  • Pie For All! 300

Kita-Ysabell

Distinct Conversationalist

PostPosted: Tue Jun 09, 2009 5:00 pm


Allemande would never do that. She's very forthright. And Edward wouldn't, either. He's angry enough to take private revenge, (Edward and Felix have a whole public/private thing going on) and he knows that Felix probably (only probably, mind you) won't get jealous over a dance- that plan would backfire horribly.

The real option's actually up there, and I've actually written it (mostly) in another drabble that I will (probably) post very soon, but... what the hell, right?

Thanks for the advice. It's something I should really work on, as I rather like it as a way to establish character, but I really couldn't even pretend to be good at it at the moment. Probably something I would/will pay attention to if/when I revise.

You know, the pendant actually turns out to be rather important to the whole story- even when important scenes aren't about it, they tend to feature it. I think. Or... they will. I mean, I could write a bunch of vignettes about the damn thing and be done with the story, except that it would be extremely confusing as there's all this world-building that makes people act just... weird. (hand raep lol)
Reply
Story Sharing, Critique, Etc.

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum