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 Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 1:48 pm
old:I try to follow your path, but your footprints have gone astray. I try to follow you eyes, but they have lost their sight. I try to follow your heart, but it is cracked and torn. I try to follow your scent, but it has turned bitter. I try to follow you voice, but no sound comes out. I try to follow you, but you have lost your way. Revised:I try to follow your path, but your footprints, have gone astray. I try to follow your eyes, once luminous orbs, but they have lost their sight. I try to follow your heart, which was silently beating with mine, but it is cracked and brittle. I try to follow your scent, the one I use to savor, but it has since turned stale. I try to follow your voice, which used to whisper in my dreams, but my ears have fallen deaf. I try to follow you, stepping in each foot print you make, but you have lost your way.
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 5:30 pm
so sad, and yet so true for many people. i enjoyed the imagery of sights, sounds, smells...things not normally associated with footsteps, voices, and emotions. great work! 3nodding
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Posted: Fri Jun 19, 2009 11:29 pm
Dragons Willow so sad, and yet so true for many people. i enjoyed the imagery of sights, sounds, smells...things not normally associated with footsteps, voices, and emotions. great work! 3nodding awwe thanks so much!
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:32 pm
its inspairing and sad. i ike it... smile
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Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:51 pm
Very nice but sad poem. There are just a few things you can word better, and you also have some typos. I also suggest that you turn your couplets into...Trios? I guess that's the word. In other words, put each idea into 3 lines instead of 2. This will allow more development for each idea. For example: Quote: I try to follow your path, but your footprints have faded away, gone astray. Although the development is minimal, it allows for a nice rhyme. You can do this for the rest of the poem. In some parts of the poem, you say "you" when it should be "your," such as line 3. I assume those are just typos. For line 6: A heart can't really be "cracked" and "torn" at the same time. If thinking about materials that crack, such as glass or ceramic, they can't be torn as well. Pick matching material ideas, such as "cracked" and "shattered" or "torn" and "shredded" and "ripped." For line 8: Normally, a smell isn't considered "bitter;" that's more of a taste sense. Maybe change "bitter" to "stale" or "rancid." For line 10: Since this poem is written in 1st person, you can't really talk about the other person's sense you are writing about, so you have to talk about yourself, not the other person. Since you say "but no sound comes out," you should change it to "but my ears have fallen deaf" so you are talking about your own senses, not the other person's. This poem also has a very nice ending. :3
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:38 pm
Agorphia Very nice but sad poem. There are just a few things you can word better, and you also have some typos. I also suggest that you turn your couplets into...Trios? I guess that's the word. In other words, put each idea into 3 lines instead of 2. This will allow more development for each idea. For example: Quote: I try to follow your path, but your footprints have faded away, gone astray. Although the development is minimal, it allows for a nice rhyme. You can do this for the rest of the poem. In some parts of the poem, you say "you" when it should be "your," such as line 3. I assume those are just typos. For line 6: A heart can't really be "cracked" and "torn" at the same time. If thinking about materials that crack, such as glass or ceramic, they can't be torn as well. Pick matching material ideas, such as "cracked" and "shattered" or "torn" and "shredded" and "ripped." For line 8: Normally, a smell isn't considered "bitter;" that's more of a taste sense. Maybe change "bitter" to "stale" or "rancid." For line 10: Since this poem is written in 1st person, you can't really talk about the other person's sense you are writing about, so you have to talk about yourself, not the other person. Since you say "but no sound comes out," you should change it to "but my ears have fallen deaf" so you are talking about your own senses, not the other person's. This poem also has a very nice ending. :3 Thank you so much smile You don't know how much it means to me that time that you are putting out to help me improve my skills as a writer. I'm going to edit and hopefully post it before I go to bed tonight! Thanks again smile
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Posted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 12:08 am
isn't agorphia great with the advice!!!????
okay, i reread the ..... revised(couldn't think of the word rolleyes )....version and i'm even more in luv with this!!! all the descriptions just add more to the feeling behind the words!!!! is this in the arena? i need to vote on this.
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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:06 pm
thanks Dragon smile
Not yet, but I think I will!
I know! Agrophia is awesome for advice razz
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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 1:14 pm
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:26 pm
Sparoe64 Agorphia Very nice but sad poem. There are just a few things you can word better, and you also have some typos. I also suggest that you turn your couplets into...Trios? I guess that's the word. In other words, put each idea into 3 lines instead of 2. This will allow more development for each idea. For example: Quote: I try to follow your path, but your footprints have faded away, gone astray. Although the development is minimal, it allows for a nice rhyme. You can do this for the rest of the poem. In some parts of the poem, you say "you" when it should be "your," such as line 3. I assume those are just typos. For line 6: A heart can't really be "cracked" and "torn" at the same time. If thinking about materials that crack, such as glass or ceramic, they can't be torn as well. Pick matching material ideas, such as "cracked" and "shattered" or "torn" and "shredded" and "ripped." For line 8: Normally, a smell isn't considered "bitter;" that's more of a taste sense. Maybe change "bitter" to "stale" or "rancid." For line 10: Since this poem is written in 1st person, you can't really talk about the other person's sense you are writing about, so you have to talk about yourself, not the other person. Since you say "but no sound comes out," you should change it to "but my ears have fallen deaf" so you are talking about your own senses, not the other person's. This poem also has a very nice ending. :3 Thank you so much smile You don't know how much it means to me that time that you are putting out to help me improve my skills as a writer. I'm going to edit and hopefully post it before I go to bed tonight! Thanks again smile Yay, my efforts are appreciated! xD
I really appreciate the thank you. :3 I try to be as helpful as I can. ^^ ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:39 pm
Woo, big improvement! ^^
I love the "once luminous orbs" so much. Great imagery! O:
You did a great job with the trio idea. :3 It added a lot more description and a lot of interesting and captivating imagery.
Okay, grammar time xD :
Line 2: There isn't supposed to be a comma at the end of the line.
Line 14: "use" should be "used"; this was probably just a typo. xD
On a final note:
I love the second to last line. O: Great imagery with the stepping in the footprints. I've said "great imagery" so many times now, but I can't stress it enough. xD Great job! :3 I commented it and voted for it in the arena!
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:55 pm
I saw your comment, thanks smile Thank you so much! Your suggestions really helped make it a better poem that has more meaning now!! Thank you so much! You're so awesome smile
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:57 pm
Sparoe64 I saw your comment, thanks smile Thank you so much! Your suggestions really helped make it a better poem that has more meaning now!! Thank you so much! You're so awesome smile You're very, very welcome!
Haha, thanks. xD As your poem says, "I try." :3 ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:58 pm
Agorphia Sparoe64 I saw your comment, thanks smile Thank you so much! Your suggestions really helped make it a better poem that has more meaning now!! Thank you so much! You're so awesome smile You're very, very welcome!
Haha, thanks. xD As your poem says, "I try." :3 ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤ lol razz
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