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| Total Votes : 7 |
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Posted: Thu Jan 20, 2005 9:42 pm
I wrote it as a short story, but now I'm thinking of making it a bit longer. So, have a read, and then tell me what you think! First time posting- don't know what that has to do with anything, but figured I'd say it anyways. Sorry it's small- I didn't want to take up too much room since it's pretty long. Okay, here it is:
She couldn't be more than eighteen, yet here she was, walking through the mangled bodies littered across the battlefield. She should have been repulsed at the sight, but knew she didn't have time for that. Every minute she spent crying over the dead, many of the living joined them. She'd cry after she had finished saving all whom she could. Every healer during times of war was in danger. They never took sides and healed any who were injured. As soon as she had become old enough, Giama had joined the healers in the Northwest despite her parents' warnings. They had wanted her to join them in the Southeast, where fighting was scarce and deaths of healers were few, but Giama had other plans. Not enough healers were stationed where they were needed the most. I would never have gotten a chance to use my abilities in an overcrowded area anyways. Giama stopped after having walked a few steps, trying to locate anyone that was alive. Apparently both sides had taken a 'no survivors' approach to this battle, and had succeeded extremely well. Out of the corner of her eye, Giama saw a figure that lay on the ground reach towards something. She turned and saw an unsually short man reach for a pike with a silver crest on it, and knew immediately that he was one of the dwarfs on the Ririan's side. She debated whether to waste her time trying to get through to him. The Ririans were very stubborn and would rather die than abandon their comrades. The time she could take trying and most likely failing to convince him to let her help him she could use to save numerous other lives. She almost turned away to look for another survivor, but knew that the oath she had sworn when she joined the healers and her conscience wouldn't permit such an action. Reluctantly, she walked over to the dying dwarf. He eyed her suspiciously as he reached for his pike again, this time much more urgently, his eyes showing the fighter spirit within him. Giama smiled as she said, "Would you really kill your one chance for survival?" "You're not one of the Fregnits, are you?" "No, I'm a healer." At that, the dwarf spat at her feet. "I want nothing to do with the likes of you." "You want to live don't you? All you'd have to do is leave the war and I'll allow you to continue living." She'd been taught to be unusually calm when talking to the dying, but she was finding it very difficult to do so when speaking with this man. The dwarf tried to sit, but the hole in his stomach wouldn't allow it. Still lying, the dwarf replied, "I'll wait for my own kind to come and heal me, thank you very much." "Well then you could be here an awfully long time since your side is too scared to walk onto the battlefield. After such a slaughter, I'm sure you're commanders would rather lose a few soldiers than take the field again. Still, if you don't want my help, I'll go search for some Fregnit that does." She turned to leave when the dwarf's voice rang out, "Take one more step and I'll cut you wide open." Giama looked over her shoulder and considered the dwarf's wounds a moment, then responded to his threat, "It's hard to believe you're still speaking with those wounds. If you'd like to get up and chase me down though, that's your business, not mine." She then began to walk again away from the dwarf. After a moment, she heard the dwarf yell, "Fine, you can use your magic." Giama let out a sigh of relief. Turning back around, she smiled as she began to recite what all healers were taught. "In order for my services to continue after the healing, you must keep your side of the agreement, otherwise, mine will become void." "Huh?" Giama let out a small laugh. "If you return to battle after I've healed you, your injuries will return as if I'd never healed them. You'll find shelter just a ways to the South at Tennes." The dwarf grunted, which Giama took as an indication for her to begin the healing. She placed her hands above the area where the deepest cut was and focused on pouring as much energy into the wound as possible. Within seconds the wound had healed itself without even a scar to show the injury was there. She then began to heal the gashes on his right leg and arm until the wounds were gone. She then helped the man up and pointed which way he should go. "Follow the path until you reach another group of healers. The guards there will show you which way to go." Giama then turned to find more injured, then added, "Oh, and please don't kill me while I'm off helping someone else. That's not a great way to show gratitude." The dwarf grunted again, Giama taking it this time as 'thank you'. The dwarf grabbed his pike in case of another enemy attack and ran off to find the town Giama had mentioned. Giama heard the sound of crying and knew she had another job to perform. After checking to make sure the dwarf wasn't planning on breaking his promise, Giama headed in the direction that the cries were coming from.
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Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 6:06 am
I would definately say keep working! 3nodding
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The Bookwyrm Vice Captain
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Posted: Thu Jan 27, 2005 8:27 pm
Thanks for the encouragement! I hope you like the next section also. I just thought it'd be nice if I also let you know that it might take awhile for me to update it. I'm drowning in school work- apparently the teachers think it is funny to give us all the big assignments at one time. I'll post as soon as possible though!
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Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 3:10 pm
Like with most writers, the beginning was the main part that could use improvement, though your beginning was unusually strong. There was only one line throughout the entire story that bothered me. Quote: She'd cry after she had finished saving all whom she could. "All whom she could" fits awkwardly together. Just reword it, it's not big deal really. I definately think the story has potential and that you should carry on. Some advice would be to take breaks ocasionally to get more ideas and to catch more mistakes as you go through. Good luck!
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Posted: Mon Feb 07, 2005 8:00 pm
xd good stroy keep it up! wink
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Posted: Sat Apr 02, 2005 9:00 am
Took forever and a day, but I finally found the time and inspiration to add to my story. So, for anyone that cares, here is the next section of my story...
Giama slumped into the wooden chair that sat in the corner of her tent. She closed her eyes as she recalled how little success she had had that day. After the Ririan dwarf she had encountered a fellow human that had joined with the Ririans and two Fregnit elves. Other than that, her three hours searching the fields was a waste. She opened her eyes and tilted her head back just enough so that she could see the picture frame next to her cot. Her grandmother had taken the picture two years before during a family picnic. In the picture Giama's father had one arm wrapped around his wife's waist, while his other hand rested on Giama's head. Giama, whose appearance had not changed much since the picture was taken, smiled as she noted that her mother's drink was tipping over in the picture. Giama sighed deeply as she realized just how much she had sacrificed to be here. There would be no more picnics where no one cared if one or two drinks were lost. She would never see her grandmother again, and she had been unable to say good-bye to her due to postal delays delivering the news of her grandmother's illness long after she had died. Her parents wrote, but all she had left of them were the few pictures she had brought with her. Giama rolled her head down so that her chin rested against her chest and she used the palm of her hand to massage her head. This isn't worth it. Separation from everything and everyone I love to walk all day in a battle field. A battle field with almost no survivors might I add.
Giama heard the flap of the tent open, yet she kept her tear-filled eyes directed at the ground. She knew none of the superiors would come to visit her at this time of the day, and therefore, she didn't see any reason to show some manners to whomever had walked into her tent uninvited. "Do you need something?"
"Just a friendly face to talk to."
"Go find a mirror." Giama heard the footsteps come closer, then stop abruptly next to the bed. "Dayis, would you please--"
"Not a good day?" Giama finally looked up after blinking away her tears and met the light brown eyes of her tall companion. He smiled and then added, "I had a rough day too. Not many got left alive after that slaughter."
Giama nodded her agreement, but didn't quite feel like talking, resulting in an awkward silence. After what seemed to be a minute, Giama cleared her throat as she turned her chair towards the bed. "You want to talk. What's happening?"
Dayis sat himself down on the edge of the bed and looked at the picture frame. "You have your mother's eyes."
Giama sighed. "Yes, they are green if that's what you mean. Now what--"
"Don't look much like your father though."
"Dayis!" Giama ran her fingers through her dark red hair, a sure sign that she was becoming irritated.
Dayis smiled. "Meet me at the pub. You'll be more agreeable after a couple of drinks."
"I'm eighteen, remember?"
"And I'm nineteen, remember?"
Giama shook her head. "Giving alcohol to a minor. One day..."
"Right. Just meet me there in an hour. Oh, and put on something more casual. Those healer robes really are annoying." Dayis stood and left the tent, obviously much more flustered than when he had arrived. Giama herself actually felt more relieved due to their conversation, most likely due to the fact that she was the one speaking harshly and not being spoken to in a rude manner. She smiled and stood to find her purse since she knew Dayis would never give her a sip of his drink. He often joked about getting himself and others drunk, but he would never drink to the point of being intoxicated. There was too much at stake here for him to waste all him time and effort on one stupid bottle of booze.
Suddenly, a thought occurred to Giama. Could something be happening in the camp that might jeopardize our position? The healers had been very lucky thus far to have remained hidden, but everyone knew it could only last so long. I hope some drunkard didn't go and blow our cover. Giama grabbed her dark green cloak, unable to remain still any longer. "Forget the drink, Dayis is going to tell me what's happening now."
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Posted: Sat Apr 23, 2005 7:50 am
I like it very much. I'm glad you continued, it could be an interesting longer short story, or more, if you put the work into it. smile I like the healers, their precarious position intrigues me.
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 7:13 am
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Posted: Tue May 10, 2005 1:44 pm
Thanks alot! Sorry I haven't added recently- all my AP exams and Internal Assessments are going on and the only time I can spare I've been using for studying and the occasional short story. Hopefully this weekend after my english exam I can add more, so please keep reading! Thanks!
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Posted: Sun May 15, 2005 1:53 am
i love it.it really ha poetntial, i thnk. i cant wait to read more! i am looking forward to it. ^_^
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:03 am
Okay, I finally went through and editted section two and reposted it! I also managed to finish section 3 and do all my editting (which took far longer than I hoped it would), so here you go! Hope everyone likes it!
Giama reluctantly entered the dark, smoke filled tavern after having no luck finding Dayis anywhere. She decided the best thing to do now was to wait it out, one of her least favourite activities. Sitting on one the unusually comfortable wooden stools at one of the wooden tables in the far corner, she decided to order a soda to hold her over until Dayis arrived. Three sodas later, Dayis finally entered the tavern. Giama waved him over, noticing him sigh. Before he could speak, she said, "I didn't change because I decided to look for you, and obviously failed."
Dayis laughed, brushing his unruly dark brown hair out of his face. "Impatient as always I see. You could have changed before looking for me though."
"And why exactly do I have to get dressed up to see you?"
"Oh, come on! You know there's something special between us."
Giama smiled. "Something about as special as choking on stale bread."
"There's the Giama I know! You've been way too down lately for my liking." Dayis waved over the waitress and ordered himself and Giama a Tako. Turning back to her, he said, "You know, this act you're putting on has had me worried."
"What act? And how come you're not drinking alcohol today?"
"This 'don't care what happens and I get mad at everything' act. And I'm sticking to sodas after that horrible hangover the other night."
"Serves you right." Giama accepted her soda from the waitress and then replied his first comment, "I'm trying to focus on the job more."
"And lose all sense of humanity in the meantime."
"If that's what Officer Breckmin wants-"
"You're really letting that get to you, aren't you? You need to stop or there's no way he'll consider you for-" Dayis stopped suddenly, checked around their table, and took a swallow of his drink. "Just be Giama, please?"
"No, what were you saying?" Getting no reply, she leaned closer to him. "Dayis, what is going on? You made me worry for the last half hour and now you stop yourself before you tell me? Do you even intend on telling me?"
Dayis groaned. "Yes, and no. What I need to tell you isn't what I was about to say, but it relates."
Giama nodded. "So, have we been discovered?"
Dayis laughed nervously. "No, nothing that horrible." Again, Dayis checked to make sure no eavesdroppers were listening before beginning. "Okay, long story short. The officers are looking for two healers to go to- sorry, can't say that. Uh, okay, there's this mission, and the officers need a group to do something extremely secretive. I'm one of the two healers that's been chosen."
"Good job. Of course you would be picked. You are the best one here, and-"
Dayis held up his hand to stop her. "I'm not here for congrats. Giama, you're the other healer they want to go."
"Me? Officer Breckmin would never-"
"But Officer Despana would. She's been pushing for you so much, even Breckmin is almost convinced you're the best choice. However, he refuses to send you until he interrogates you, whatever he meant by that."
Giama looked away. "He means about what happened after the Battle of Gert."
"That was over two months ago."
"Exactly two months ago. I've counted."
"You're obsessed."
"I screwed up Dayis, I paid the price, and now I may pay it again. Breckmin hates me because of what I did."
"Anyone would act that way in that situation."
"Not a healer! Never a healer!" Giama realized she was yelling and had drawn the attention of several others. Grabbing her purse, she pulled out enough for her drinks. "I better go wait for them since I guess they'll be summoning me soon."
Dayis pointed towards the entrance. "Sooner than you think." Giama looked over at two of the officers standing at the entrance waiting for her, very glad she didn't take Dayis's advise and change before meeting him. As she prepared to leave, Dayis grabbed her hand. "Please, don't do anything stupid."
"Why are you so concerned?"
"You're my best friend, and I'd rather travel with you than Hetha."
Giama laughed. "Don't worry. Breckmin won't get the reaction he's hoping for when I see him. Oh, and tell Hetha that she can't have my best friend." Winking at him, she headed towards the entrance, trying to look braver than she felt.
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Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:27 am
This is very good. You've now left me at a stopping point full of mystery. You've done a very good job at making your reader want to read more. Your story can captivate people so that they'll want to be reading. If it were a book, it would be a real page turner. I hope very much that you continue with this story. I'm so very interested. Good Job.
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 4:43 pm
Yeah, it took a really long time to figure out where I was going with this story, but now I think I know, so unless I change my mind again, I should be writing on this story very often! I hope you like this next part! The only word that Giama could think of to describe Officer Breckmin was 'villianous'. Every time she looked at him she felt like a character in a fairy tale about to have an evil spell cast on her. His beady black eyes and short black hair matched with his dark grey healer robes made him look like a classic dark Merlin. His attitude seemed to match the part as his deep voice dragged on every single word as if he was hoping to drag out the person's soul with his sentences alone. His voice caused Giama to shiver uncontrollably the first few weeks she was here, but now five months in the camp had taught her how to at least give the appearence of being calm in any situation. Now as she stood in the middle of Breckmin's office with all six officers looking her up and down, she was glad they couldn't see the fear she was keeping hidden.
Breckmin had been pacing as he asked her the questions everyone knew the answers to- why she had joined the Healers in the Northwest, how long she had been there, how many she had healed, and so on. However, she knew the easy questions would come to an end as soon as he brought up the Battle of Gert. Giama could only hope she didn't break at the mention of that incident.
Breckmin looked into Giama's eyes as he asked, "What have you done most recently?"
Giama cleared her throat before answering, "I walked the battlefield earlier today sir. I found and healed four survivors."
Breckmin sneered as he asked, "Only four?"
Officer Despona cut in and added, "That's the most anyone found today. It was a truly gruesome battle."
The rest of the officers nodded their heads in agreement which seemed to only further infuriate Breckmin. Turning back to Giama, he asked, "You seem to have done well, but how do we know another breakdown won't occur." Giama's heart skipped a beat and she already knew what he would say. He turned to the officers and said, "I think you all are familiar with her mishap after the Battle of Gert."
Giama bit her lower lip and before she could stop herself said, "Permission to speak, sir."
Breckmin spun around with a dark look in his eyes. Whatever he had been hoping for, this wasn't it. After a pause he reluctantly muttered, "I don't see why not."
Giama stepped forward, knowing she had to make her argument a good one. "My actions then were immature and irresponsible. As a healer I never should have let my emotions come before my duty. Since that day I have worked day and night to atone for my mistake and to make up for the loss as much as possible. As a healer, I refuse to let my past mistake happen again and have used it to make myself stronger and even more dedicated to our cause." Knowing she had said more than enough, she stepped back, adding, "That is all, sir."
Breckmin stood speechless. After clearing his throat and taking a sip of water he began, "Sorry or not, it does not-"
"Breckmin, enough. We all have agreed. If we do not have your consent after that stunning appeal I don't know what will win you over." Despona pulled out a parchment and handed it to Breckmin. "So, will you sign?"
Breckmin grunted what Giama figured was an agreement and signed quickly and almost reluctantly. As he headed for his seat, he added, "If she messes up-"
"I will take full responsibility, as any good commander should." Despona then looked to Giama and smiled. "So, are you ready for the most difficult task you'll be assigned to date?"
Giama nodded. "I'm always willing to serve for the good of the healers."
Despona nodded. "Good, because if this mission succeeds, you will have helped all healers tremendously."
"Ma'am? I don't quite understand."
Despona pulled out a parchment and handed it to Giama. "This is highly confidential. Let no one see this besides yourself and your party."
Giama took the parchment and waited for Officer Despona's wave of approval before opening it. As her eyes skimmed the page, Giama felt the room become smaller and smaller. "Ma'am, this plan-"
"Is highly dangerous and most likely to fail, yes. But if it succeeds-"
Giama felt a smile break out on her face and laugh escape her throat as the reality of the situation hit her. "There will be no more war."
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 7:50 am
Oh good, you've posted more of it. Once more you've done a wonderful job with leaving the reader wanting more of your story. It's really a page turner . . . or page . . . scroller . . . or something. You know what I mean. I don't know if you're making it up as you go on Gaia, or if you already have it written, but it might be a good idea to keep the reader in suspense by not letting them know what is in the plan for a while longer. It will then be a bigger surprise. That's hard for me to say because I really want to know what the plan has to say. I don't know though, that may not work with your story plan. Keep up the good work.
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