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"Determinism" Recent Poem, feedback wanted

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phililup

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 12:05 pm


Determinism

Bound with string and toyed with the heavens above
A toy whose a boy who won't believe in love
Cynical and scratchless, it's not a sign but a dove
Clinical depression, it hurts to acknowledge this
corny ******** stuff

But bound makes us weightless and tidal waves are crashing
Longing and witless - temple to temple bashing
Lashing, he smiles taking a while
Is it a sin to defile?
With all this audacious damn guile

But the mind is a sanctuary, I'm king of the palace
Lets not get lost in wonderland, now won't we Alice
But tiny fireflies, queens of dire lies, will have me drink this chalice
of sin, isn't it? for such blatant escapism

A schism
My brain that's lain that came upon such wisdom
Bitchin' is livin' - when it's all said and done
Just for fun
Do all you can, live life to the fullest, and then what
Look in the bag to see what you've won
Nothing? That's what we call wisdom

A pendulum
But lets not define what we can't define
I lie, but honesty's a virtue - right?
That's what we call cynicism
Said the boy with clinical depression

The boy whose a toy who might just be in love
But he doesn't believe in it or the heavens up above
But that is of little matter, they mess with him still
The cynical kid who laughs at free will
PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 4:57 pm


Wow! I love this poem.
I love how you rhyme but it's not in an organized scheme. It's hard to pull off, but you did it wonderfully and it flows very nicely.
You have a very good vocabulary yet you don't overuse words to sound smarter. You use just the right amount to make your point and to be descriptive.
I love how you come around at the end and bring in the toy who's a boy. You should fix the 2nd line, by the way. It should be "who's," not "whose."
There are a few minor mistakes, such as not having an apostrophe between the "t" and the "s" in "Lets." Unless you purposefully left out commas and periods, I would suggest adding them.

Quote:
My brain that's lain that came upon such wisdom

I LOVE this line. The constant rhyme with brain and lain and came (though came is a slant rhyme since "m" is used instead of "n") sounds wonderful and it really adds a rhythm to the poem and it flows great.

You should add this poem to the writing arena if you haven't already; I don't know if you're interesting in doing so or not, but it's just an idea. :3

Agorphia

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phililup

PostPosted: Fri Jun 26, 2009 8:33 pm


Thanks for the insightful feedback, on both of my poems. And thank you for telling me what the arena is. ^^
PostPosted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:43 pm


wow! i agree with agorphia....arena material dude!!! this is wonderfully wrought with confusion, defiance, and of course, depression. i can totally agree with the head bashing thing.....and i love all the symbolism! this is my fave stanza, "But the mind is a sanctuary, I'm king of the palace
Lets not get lost in wonderland, now won't we Alice
But tiny fireflies, queens of dire lies, will have me drink this chalice
of sin, isn't it? for such blatant escapism". the imagination that depression inspires is....weird. that's the only word i can come up with. but it's a good weird! i think this is a great description of what it can be like to be depressed. it should be in pamphlets. it's like you've painted a description of my mind at times!....and, horrible as it may sound, there are times when i really like it there....me an alice are getting along fine. 4laugh
oh, and thanks so much for sharing something so personal! brings it all right 'round.

Dragons Willow

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