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 Posted: Sun Jun 28, 2009 11:51 pm
“Sea of Storms”
sinking fast in a sea of storms
not a soul, a thing to be seen or of much help
the pressure sucks me under
like a great, dying leviathan of stress
I gather in my lungs one last, gulping breath
under I go, no footing for straining feet to find
pulled down, weighted by life itself
not wanting to drown, I try in vain to surface
my circle of rescue has long floated, gone away
give in, give up, let what’ll happen be
let this behemoth of troubles drag me
kicking, screaming, almost willing to the bottom
the dregs of bitter living and strenuous life
darkness seeps in without, or with, permission
too late, much too late, to struggle now
the fight in me at war to flee, be free
be free, be free, needing help, help me
a light shining small in my dying eyes I see
calling to me from safety to safety
to take its hand of salvation and go
from my overwhelming, overwhelmed self
take it, come, I go and am saved
from the suffocating pressure I have brought upon myself
into a reassurance of tranquility, finality
it is done, I am well, until
the sea of storms once more stirs.
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Posted: Mon Jun 29, 2009 11:18 pm
The title makes me think of "Song of Storms" from Zelda. xDDD Anyway... It feels as if this poem is a very rough draft of something that could be developed into something much better. I get the concept you're trying to convey, but it could be clearer and better developed in the poem. Also, I like how in parts you use internal rhymes, such as: Quote: the fight in me at war to flee, be free be free, be free, needing help, help me I think the poem would definitely improve if you rhyme in aabbccddeeff, etc form (basically couplet-by-couplet rhyming). In some areas of the poem you do this already (such as in the quote I put) whether they be intentional or not, but I think it would be amazing if it rhymed throughout. The second line of the poem should be changed up a bit, since it sounds awkward the way it is now. I first thought that you should just cut off "or of much help," but I know that you're trying to focus on the idea that you have nobody around to help. Try to change that line so it focuses on the lack of help around you without the line being so long and awkward like it is now. e.e.cummings never used capitalization or punctuation. xD
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:26 pm
Agorphia The title makes me think of "Song of Storms" from Zelda. xDDD Anyway... It feels as if this poem is a very rough draft of something that could be developed into something much better. I get the concept you're trying to convey, but it could be clearer and better developed in the poem. Also, I like how in parts you use internal rhymes, such as: Quote: the fight in me at war to flee, be free be free, be free, needing help, help me I think the poem would definitely improve if you rhyme in aabbccddeeff, etc form (basically couplet-by-couplet rhyming). In some areas of the poem you do this already (such as in the quote I put) whether they be intentional or not, but I think it would be amazing if it rhymed throughout. The second line of the poem should be changed up a bit, since it sounds awkward the way it is now. I first thought that you should just cut off "or of much help," but I know that you're trying to focus on the idea that you have nobody around to help. Try to change that line so it focuses on the lack of help around you without the line being so long and awkward like it is now. e.e.cummings never used capitalization or punctuation. xD yeah him!!! cool. anyway, in the second line that you talked about.....would it make more sense to just add a comma like this: "not a soul, a thing to be seen, or of much help...". does that work? i'll try to work on it rhyming more. does poetry ALWAYS have to have a "sceme" to it? a flow or rythme or rhyme? i prolly just botched the spelling, but can't ever remember it. oh well. thanks for the advice!!!
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:13 pm
wow that was really good!!
Awesome work smile
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