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 Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 8:54 pm
What does a slave do when collared by a Master who desires nothing more then her sobbing at his feet?
I was collared by a Dom who demanded just that. It wasn't a direct order, but his actions and his treatments proved that all he wanted.
For months I endured the worst kind of mental treatment a slave could suffer through.
Following an order, only to find it was a joke and being punished for not knowing an order was a joke.
Not answering his calls fast enough
Taking a mindless tone with him
Not saying I love you and meaning it...
All these things I was accused of, and yet even when I tried harder to please him it wasn't enough.
He'd release me, and then re-collar me, only to release me again. I felt like a yo-yo, and yet I kept crawling back to him for more.
The final straw was when he pointed out a fact about my past, a sensitive subject involving a child taken from me when I was 15 (long story, lets not get into it)
I'd had enough. I released myself. I grew tired of begging him to love me, when he just threw things in my face.
As a slave...does this make me a horrible person? Releasing myself?
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:43 pm
No, he was lacking as a Master. People like him aren't fit to lead or have others serve under them. You did the right thing to leave, it doesn't make you a horrible person.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:45 pm
Sure as hell feels like it. I spent weeks arguing with myself over it. I still don't feel like it was the right thing..I've never willingly left a Master before and it just..feels like I tarnished the title of slave.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:49 pm
You might be a Slave, but you're still a human. Don't forget that ever. You didn't do anything wrong.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 9:51 pm
Heh.
I'm so used to taking the blame for everything that, I just naturally accepted blame for this. As a person, I understood what was going on, and I hated it, but as a slave..I couldn't face it at first. I'm bound to serve like it or not...and I guess the Gorean way sunk in.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:40 pm
A person like this does not deserve to be called a Dom or Master; this is where BDSM becomes abuse. A true D/s relationship involves an immense amount of trust and responsibility. He acted amazingly irresponsibly and, as I've basically already said, abusive. Doms cherish their sub's servitude. Abusers take advantage of it. I'm glad you seemed to eventually realize this and get out of a dangerous situation; because chances are things would have progressed from the emotional abuse you suffered to much, much more. As a full slave, you are bound to serve Doms, not abusers like him. As James has already said, you did the right thing.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:51 pm
Is it normal for me to be filled with such doubt then? Sometimes I think I'd crawl back to him if given the chance.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 10:55 pm
Completely normal, both as a general human being and a slave. Gorean lifestyle or not, I think a lot of subs are hard-wired to just truly submit and take the blame & guilt for everything. And it's even more understandable given the full circumstances; abusers know how to manipulate others and pull all the right strings. It disgusts me that they do slip into the Scene under the guise of a true Dom; even moreso because it lends credibility to my mom's theory that BDSM is "dangerous" and that "dangerous" people are involved in it.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:04 pm
I'll be honest I've only had one truely good BDSM experience, but I can't deny the lifestyle anymore then I could stop breathing. It's getting to the point where I crave the abuse, and it scares me to be honest.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:04 pm
I know people are going to hate me for this... But here I go...
Yes, you did the right thing. If I were you, I would have done the same... But then again, I'm a bit of a hypocrite... Or at least I think so..
You see... I was (I still am... I'm working on it desperately and sometimes old habits don't die hard. But I've changed so much ever since then... It's just... complicated) like him. Seeing slaves or pets cry was what I enjoyed... I was strict, I was sadistic, I had a blown up head... I loved the control, I loved the attention, I loved seeing someone else grieve for themselves and loathe who they are or who I molded them to be (or who they molded themselves to be).
I was as strict as he was... I would punish my slave or pet for not saying the right thing the right way in the right tone of voice. I would almost deliberately find something they're doing wrong and punish them for it. I would slap them until they cried and shacked uncontrollably. I was an abuser in all of the levels; and that's no good.
The reason why I was so abusive is because I felt abused and betrayed, myself; I felt anger, grief, pain, self loathing, and a loathing for others. I felt like I had no control in life, and so I would control and manipulate the one who wore my collar... I would slap them in the face with everything they've done wrong and not done at all, (no matter how meticulous, how little the perfect things are; one thing ruined everything, and NO BODY is perfect.) I would make them cry as I.. Did things to them that gave me pleasure. I would make them cry just to see them cry and beg for mercy. I would jerk them around as he did; I would let them beg, I loved hearing them beg too much.... I made them hate themselves, I made them hate who they were. I would reduce them to a sniveling pile of someone with no self-worth, no self-esteem, and no free will.
I got tired of them eventually.. so I uncollared them, and when I wanted them again, I would recollar them.. And eventually, I got bored..
Then I found Messenger... She was the submissive that changed me... I hated to see her cry, I hated to hear her beg for me to love her... I hated using her like I used those other people... I fell in love with her... And recently, we had a blow out...
I'm regressing into the person that I was trying so desperately to change. I can admit that I am abusing her somewhat, and I hate myself for it. I hate who I once was, I absolutely hate what I'm regressing into.. and I'm trying desperately to stop it... I fell in love with her, and that was the one thing that made me 180... (or at least 45 from what I was)
The point is: the reason he bullied and harassed you is that something in his life happen. His shortcoming was the lack of control in his self, and in his own life, and so he compensated for that by taking his grief, anger, and want for power and control on the person he collared. He may change, he may not; it all depends on what kind of person he is... If he is strong, he'll realize he's abusive and stop or change his ways... only the weak stay the abusers they are. You didn't want to deal with his s**t, you didn't want to handle him, and that's really good for you! You didn't deserve it; no one deserves that... And I realize that, and he probably will in time, too.
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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:09 pm
I..wow..I don't know how to respond to that. You've described him perfectly...and yet you don't even know him. I just wish I could have been his Messenger...I wish I could have been the one he cared for. Instead he's with some vanilla chick now, and last I heard he blamed me for the problems they are having. With out me to vent is sadistic side on, he's taking it out on her.
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:09 pm
I know you've changed, my love. You're still damaged, but I think I've healed you so much even then. And the difference between then and now is that you've recognized your faults and terrible, terrible mistakes and learned to suppress them. You've become a true Domme, min Dåme. And I've learned everything I've ever known about being a Domme from you.
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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:15 pm
Milain I..wow..I don't know how to respond to that. You've described him perfectly...and yet you don't even know him. I just wish I could have been his Messenger...I wish I could have been the one he cared for. Instead he's with some vanilla chick now, and last I heard he blamed me for the problems they are having. With out me to vent is sadistic side on, he's taking it out on her. That's because I've been there before... I've walked down that road, and now I'm trying to make a right turn on True Domme ave. and never look back... If he's taking it out on the vanilla chick, then he truly is an abuser... It's best to never look back on him; do your best to cut yourself away from him. he's not for you. You change people without knowing you change them... Ask messenger. razz
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:19 pm
Oddly enough. He owned me 3 years ago, and somehow I was able to forget about him, then out of the blue he comes back. Old feelings came rushing back to me, and it took me all of a day to submit to him again. What is it about me that craved it...why...would I put myself through it..knowingly.
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Metamorphosis Lycanthropy Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Jun 30, 2009 11:19 pm
Messenger_Of_The_Moon I know you've changed, my love. You're still damaged, but I think I've healed you so much even then. And the difference between then and now is that you've recognized your faults and terrible, terrible mistakes and learned to suppress them. You've become a true Domme, min Dåme. And I've learned everything I've ever known about being a Domme from you. and I'm so glad you've come along in my life and changed me... If it weren't for you I don't know where I would be now. I would probably still be that same misanthropic, grieving, extremely sadistic and manipulative person that i'm trying to stray away from. You really have healed me so much, more than the abuse I've put on the pets and slaves ever did, more than any person in the world.... I love you, meine liebling, and I will love you always and forever. Abuse is a vicious cycle Abusing is addictive Abusing is not an outlet. Abusers are oppressed who are taking out their oppression on others.
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