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 Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 8:39 pm
This is my color based poem. I think it needs more work. Feedback is love.
Breathless
Let's say you're life is
the color blast of a sunset.
You are the hairline lilac,
pale, fading under the
cooling fire of
yellow crowds stampeding carelessly above you.
Skin on yours, clammy
and stranger and itchy with
things you've never
been exposed to.
You used to know royal purples.
Warrior purples with strength of
a diamond. But, they didn’t have
time. It’s just you setting alone in their
dust. You,
fading lilac - your breath stolen
by the fantasia of pink
stealing the every inch of your stage
and air and space before the sun
disappears in Moon's doorway.
You're still lilac…fading in the corner,
Reaching for that silver hand
From a passing cloud that wants to
Save you.
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Posted: Fri Jul 03, 2009 11:49 pm
this feels like a rough draft....with some tweaking, the greatness in the color references will shine thru! i've always liked the use of colors to convey feelings and various...things. anyway, i'd work the first part of the poem. clean it up a bit. it's kinda...um.....scattered? i luv the end tho....when's my silver cloud gonna come pick me up?! i like the underlying story as well! overall work is great! pirate
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Posted: Sat Jul 04, 2009 11:02 pm
¤::::: I knew it was Jim's house. "...Well, then why'd you do it?" :::::¤ Very nice descriptions! It conveys great imagery. :3 But, I agree with Dragons Willow about it being rough and scattered. Your odd line breaks are more distracting than contributing to the poem. Make some of the line breaks less awkward and that should clean up the poem a bit. ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:33 pm
Agorphia ¤::::: I knew it was Jim's house. "...Well, then why'd you do it?" :::::¤ Very nice descriptions! It conveys great imagery. :3 But, I agree with Dragons Willow about it being rough and scattered. Your odd line breaks are more distracting than contributing to the poem. Make some of the line breaks less awkward and that should clean up the poem a bit. ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤ Nice qoute things... the "I knew it was Jim's house... because you asked me". I love Edward Scissorhands.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:57 pm
zeula Agorphia ¤::::: I knew it was Jim's house. "...Well, then why'd you do it?" :::::¤ Very nice descriptions! It conveys great imagery. :3 But, I agree with Dragons Willow about it being rough and scattered. Your odd line breaks are more distracting than contributing to the poem. Make some of the line breaks less awkward and that should clean up the poem a bit. ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤ Nice qoute things... the "I knew it was Jim's house... because you asked me". I love Edward Scissorhands. Thanks! ^^ I love Edward Scissorhands, too. O: ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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