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 Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 10:00 pm
Something that I had started..and I have maybe 3 "chapters" done for it. I kind of want to make it into a novel (maybe) I think this has a lot of errors, because I've had a friend edit it, I just haven't changed anything. So, please read, and be harsh. Thanks.
She moved quietly through the darkened house. A grin painted on her full pink lips. A child’s game it may have been, but one that was quite enjoyable at that moment. The mansion in which she ran around in was expensive—the largest in their town. The ones you only think about, or see in movies. She knew she had to find her playmate—Alex—Mommy wouldn’t be happy if she caught them together in a dark house. Oh no, not at all.
“Alex,” her small voice cracked, “Alex where are you?”
A giggle was heard behind her, and then patters up the stairs. Mary-Ann took after in pursuit, trying to find him. Still young, but not young enough; they were stuck in that awkward stage of adolescent. She was a mere 13, while Alex was one year older—and went to public school, something Mommy condemned. Mary-Ann was intelligent, Alex was street smart. He also knew her house better than she did—he had the upper hand in this game.
Alex sneaked into the house when no one was home, a curious young boy who searched for trouble as a tree would go out of its way to wrap around a larger tree for a drink of sunlight. Mary-Ann had to be proper and good; that was her place. Children are meant to be seen, not heard; those words she heard out of her Mommy’s mouth at least once a day. The whole reason why he did go into their mansion so much was because his family lived on the land, well, more like they rented it.
Alex wasn’t from the richest family, but they had enough to go around, and that was all they needed. Alex never did sit well with Mary-Ann’s mother, she saw him as a creature that lived only to steal and corrupt her little innocent daughter. The fact that she never allowed Alex in the house when they were home, made him itch to go in even more. And he did every time they went to church every Monday night, Wednesday morning, and Sunday morning and evening. God was their life.
Mary-Ann crept up the last few stairs on her hands and knees, eyes trying to adjust to the rather dark hallway; their hallways had no windows, Mommy felt that it would make it easier for people to come in and do wrong things to Mary-Ann. She squinted trying to see Alex, when a hand reached out of the darkness and grabbed her wrist, plucking her off the stairs and into the dark.
Mary-Ann let out a small shriek before falling on top of Alex in a fit of giggles. Alex wrapped his arms around her and started to squeeze, making her laugh harder, “Okay, okay, okay!” Mary-Ann laughed.
“Say it!” Alex murmured in her ear, “Come on…or else it’s not official.”
“Okay! You win! Alex wins!”
Alex grinned and released Mary-Ann, ice blue eyes stared contently at Mary-Ann’s dull green irises. Mary-Ann, still giggling readjusted her dress and pulled it back over her knees. Mommy said little girls only wear dresses that cover their knees, anything higher and they were a word that Mommy said Mary-Ann should never even think about. Alex leaned back on his hands, his legs stretched out around Mary-Ann’s body.
He couldn’t help but stare; they had been friends since one fateful day that she was playing in the meadow in their backyard, which connected to his front yard. From the moment they laid eyes on each other; he simply looking for something to occupy his then seven year old mind; she, because this was the first time Mommy had let her out of the house in six long years; they knew they would be close. She held out a forget-me-not for him and he just grinned.
“Hey, Mary-Ann,” Alex said to her, a mischievous grin spread across his lips, she knew that look, he had found something he wasn’t supposed to, “I trying to find a place to hid, and I found a door…”
He went to tell her how when he walked all the way down the East Wing—Mommy and Daddy’s wing, and at the end of the hall found a locked door. This door wasn’t nice, or clean, it was old, and had what looked like scratches all over it. He tried to open it, but it was locked—but not just one lock, it was an array of locks covering the door. One at the top, the door lock, one at the bottom, and then a bolt lock. He could only get the bolt lock open, all the others needed keys. And then he remembered something about Mary-Ann.
Mary-Ann’s eyes grew large, she shook her head feverishly, she knew what he was going to say, and she knew the door. Besides the fact that she was never ever to go into the East Wing without Mommy or Daddy with her, and that door, that door was bad. Mommy explained it to her when she turned ten.
“Mary-Ann.” She said in serious voice. “Come sit with me in the sitting room,” and she led the small child to a large room with a fireplace, empty bookshelves and a sitting chair.
The only book was the Bible, and that sat on a table next to the one chair. Mommy sat in the chair while Mary-Ann stood in front of Mommy, knowing if she sat her dress would come above her knees and she may get punished. “Mary-Ann, today you are ten. You are growing into a good little girl, and that makes Mommy and Daddy happy,” Mary-Ann felt a small smile grow on her lips, “And we think, that because you are such a good girl and do nothing wrong, we wanted to give you a special present.”
Mary-Ann’s eyes grew huge; her mouth opened some to say something, but remembered that she was not asked a question so she should say nothing in return. She could only smile proudly, Mommy and Daddy knew that she was being a good girl, and they could trust her. That was the best present they could ever give her.
“This key which I am about to give you, is a very special key. You see, this key, holds everything Mommy and Daddy worked for. It even holds your existence, this key holds the heart to God,” Mommy pulled out rustic antic key on a large gold chain, and dangled it in front of the child’s eyes, “This is the key to unlock the door at the end of Mommy and Daddy’s wing. If you should ever unlock that door and open it, hell will spill over. And no matter how much you try to relock it and hid that you opened it, we will know. God, will know. And you will go straight to hell.
“Mommy and Daddy know you would never open Pandora’s Box, or take a bite from the apple like Eve did. We know you know the difference between being a good little girl, and being a little girl dipped in sin. Happy Birthday.” Mommy said at last and dropped the chain over Mary-Ann’s head, she smiled, nodded, said thank you, then left; she understood what to do when she got something.
After that, she never took that key off, often it was comfort to her, when she was punished, or if she was scared because she held someone walking in the walls—Mary-Ann gripped it tight in her hand and squeezed her eyes tight and tried to be brave; like Alex would be. But, Alex didn’t know that. He just knew that she had a key that was to a door never to be opened, and if something had ‘Do Not Enter’ on it, that was a welcoming mat to him.
Alex pushed his weight off his arms and leaned in close to Mary-Ann, his eyes pleading with hers, “Come on…please? You know I have to know what is behind that door.”
She looked down, brown hair falling over her eyes like a curtain. Alex sighed and moved so he was in front of her; gently he took his callused hands and lifted her chin, “You know you want to.”
His voice was soft, he understood how insane her parents were, and he felt horrible for her. He felt the need to break her out from this prison and show the world wasn’t all bad, that it was beautiful—with or without sin. She looked meekly up at him, his eyes held her in a trance. Alex made her feel strong, and immortal.
“Mmm….FINE!” She finally gasped out after a while of him asking with his eyes, she pushed away from him and stood.
Arms folded over her chest, she knew how close they were wasn’t right—it was wrong and bad. But, she couldn’t help it. She was so easily stolen by his boyish-looks; he was going to be a handsome man. Alex smiled, but it was a sad smile, he knew that it hurt her to go against her parents. But that was the only way he knew it let her see the world. He stood and brushed off his ripped jeans, “Come on.” He whispered and took her soft pale hand in his.
Mary-Ann followed after Alex, she would let him take her to the end of the world if it meant they could play together in this childhood bliss forever. As they walked down the hallway to the end of the wing, they hadn’t considered the time. That maybe Mommy was on her way home from going into town to buy things—something Mary-Ann was never allowed to do, she would get dirty with sin in town. As they got closer, it seemed to get darker and darker.
Hope was a dim memory in her mind, she was scared, deathly afraid. Those words that Mommy said to her on her tenth birthday still haunted her. She knew something horrible was going to happen. Her other hand reached up and had a death grip on the key, the key to her life, to her death. Was she really going to give it to Alex? Yes, she was; and that part scared her most of all.
He stopped and looked at her, “Ready?” He asked, and without her waiting to answer gently pried her hand from the key. He knew that if he waited for her to answer, she would back out. And he didn’t want her to, Alex wanted her to live her life, not live it like her mother—staying in a big house with nothing in it, manipulating your children to think everything is wrong with the world. He wouldn’t let that happen to his Mary-Ann, he cared for her too much to allow that.
As Alex took the key, he had to reach up on his tippy-toes to get to the lock on the top of the door. As the lock clicked, Mary-Ann felt her heart skip a beat. He looked at her; her face was deathly pale her eyes took up most of her face. Her hands gripped together, wringing the chain that the key once inhabited. Alex second-question his actions, he turned and put his hands on her shoulders, “Hey…Mary-Ann. We can stop.”
With those words, she snapped out of her trance, Mommy’s words were just running through her head like an old movie reel that was broken. She looked up at him; she pursed her lips together and shook her head. “No,” Mary-Ann’s voice was small and raspy, “I want to know.”
Alex nodded, and then gave her a quick hug; he turned back to the door. The lock at the bottom was now unlocked. Mary-Ann felt that with each lock they were getting closer to her death, they were just two locks away. The main lock and the bolt lock. She gulped, then shoved her body into the back of Alex. He stumbled and fell into the door, but caught himself before his face slammed into the wood.
“Mary-Ann…” he muttered, “Warn me next time you plan on attacking me please.”
“I’m sorry.” She murmured into his back, take deep breaths, she couldn’t control her self. Mary-Ann was scared to death.
Alex sighed then reached around and tried to pat her back best he could, he took the key and stuck it into the last lock. It seemed to take a lifetime to turn it all the way until the click was heard. Even Alex was starting to feel scared, Mary-Ann’s shivers at his back and something unknown at his front. He wasn’t sure which was worse—but he was about to find out. His shaking hands reached up and undid the bolt lock.
“Ready?” He tried to say in a strong voice, but even he heard to crack with fear.
Mary-Ann nodded and still gripping onto his T-shirt moved her body next to him, both eyes staring dead ahead. This hallway, this door, reeked of monsters. The things you try so hard to forget once it happened. This door was a bad omen—and they were going to open it. Alex’s hand reached up and gripped the knob. He felt the chill from it, the chill of death seeping through from the cracks.
As Alex turned the knob he saw his 14 years of life flash before his eyes—and saw, the best started from after a little pale six year old girl gave him a forget-me-not. Alex said in his head, “You know I never could…”
The door was ripped open by the hands of a 14 year old boy. Pandora’s Box has been reopened. And with one door opening, another opened as well—the front with the devil. Neither heard it, they just heard silent screams from inside that pitch-black room. A choice had to be made then—face the devil stalking up the stairs screaming Mary-Ann, or face what demons and monsters are in that room. One neither could make, for fear still had a tight grip on their little hearts.
“G-G-Go…” Alex barely managed to get out, and pushed Mary-Ann away from the door, giving her the key. He himself took the biggest breath of his life and closed himself in that Godforsaken room, waiting for the ghosts to come.
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:57 pm
First of all, well done, .Luna.Switch.Blade. I was just pulled into this story. While reading, I felt that I was, literally, in the world of the story. I wasn't either character (not a bad thing), but I was definitely part of that world. I was so wrapped up in the story that I forgot all about the conversation I had been having (and worried the person I was talking to when I didn't respond). It was very powerful.
I also really enjoyed how childish Mary-Ann is. Normally, I would complain that she didn't seem to be as old as she was (it was 13, right? I felt that she was like 6 or 8 ), but here in the context of the story because she had been so sheltered, it totally makes sense and heightens just how horribly mistreated she is by her parents (specifically her mother! I hate that woman though I feel that I've meet her before crying ).
Alex, on the other hand, I did want to seem older (at first, I thought maybe he was 10 or 12). Not too much older, but just a tad. I want to get the sense that he is a normal boy at the age of fourteen. Maybe a comment as to how beautiful her eyes were, but still don't have him think about the position they are end when they roll around on the floor. I want him act his age but for them to still have that child-like friendship, which might take some playing around with to get it just right, but I think you can pull it off.
Now, some small things that bothered me, but really had nothing to do with your story directly. First of all, the small font was a little difficult for me to read, and at first, I didn't want to read it just because the type was so small. I can understand if you made it that small because it is such a long chapter (5 or 6 pages single-spaced I do believe) and you didn't want to scare people off with the length, but it was a little difficult to read, and I just wanted to let you know that I had a problem with it.
Also, I was rather thrown off by the text being centered. It was more difficult for me to tell where one paragraph ended and another began, and I use paragraphs a lot in my reading (I can't explain it; I just do). So that was also difficult for me.
However, the story was awesome and really pulled me in even with the jumps in time that you use. It all just felt so natural and real. Really great job. I can't wait for more.
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Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:55 pm
Thank you!
And I will definitely go through, and change somethings around - like messing with how old Alex seems.
And yeah...it was about that long I think, but I will uncenter-and make the font bigger for you.
I'm really glad you liked it though!! I think what I'm going to post next is her mothers "story" (don't worry, even though I wrote her...I hate her too) but explains why she is so....crazy.
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Posted: Sat Jul 11, 2009 6:57 pm
Chapter 2: A Shot in the Past
“Mommy?” the little girl asked, long flowing locks of brown hung about her face in soft curls. Grey eyes peered into the key hole of her mother’s room at the end of the East Wing. Her pale pink lips pursed together in aversion, little hands pressed against the door, holding the six year olds weight.
Naomi (changed her name) had awoken from her nap. She had been playing outside in the garden since and come inside after awhile. Her small mind was all a clutter after she came in, and had forgotten why she did, then she just passed out on her bed. But when she had woken her eyes looked down at her knees and she remembered why. Naomi had fallen into a thorn bush.
She let out a small sigh trying to peer into her mother’s darkened room. Naomi had heard some noises coming from her room, and wanted to make sure that everyone was okay. She stood back from the door and put her hands on her hips. Grey orbs looked down at her knees, they still hurt and still had blood slightly caked on from when she took her spill. Naomi tapped her foot on the ground; she wanted to barge into her mother’s room. But she knew better.
Her eyes scanned down the dark hallway, it was long, with a few door on ether side of the walls. The East Wing was her mothers, and it was her grandmothers. And all the way to her great-great grandmother, this house—mansion—has been passed down from generation to generation, and she knew one day the East Wing would be where she lays her head down at night.
Naomi heard muffled laughter coming from her mother’s room. She pivoted on her heel and stalked back to the door, leaning her ear against the heavy wood to try and hear better the noises that were emitting from her mother’s bed chamber. Naomi’s eyes looked down at the key hole, she desperately wanted to look, but was also very scared to do so. Honestly, she wasn’t sure what she would see.
Her eyes grew wide as she heard the voices more clearly; her mother’s gentle and seductive laugh, then someone with a deeper voice chuckled back. Probably at some comment her mother had made. Naomi was used to that scene, she had heard to many times when they were out in the town and her mother had seen some man who even briefly looked her way.
Though she couldn’t lie, her mother was beautiful. With naturally curly hair that always seemed to fall just in the right place and beautiful green eyes—it was hard not to fall in love at first sight. Naomi had gotten her mother’s hair and her departed fathers eyes.
At least that is what her mother told her.
The door pulled open, and Naomi almost fell forward into her mother’s dark and smoky room. Instead she let her body weight fall back on her bottom. Her eyes landed on large brown shoes, her eyes trailed up the large body of a man. Grey iris’s locked onto bloodshot ones. Her breath caught, Naomi stayed away from people with eyes like those. Bad things happened with those eyes.
He smiled a large, toothless grin, “Well hello thar darlin’.” He some how managed to slur.
Naomi starred at this strange man, noting the filth on his white work shirt, how he had forgotten to zip up his pants. How he lumbered over her with such a look in his eyes that only should be held for older women. Not little girls.
He chuckled, and turned his head back to the shadowy room, “Hey Isabel, I think your daughter here likes me!” He cried.
His toothless grin appeared again as he eyed Naomi, her small body was trying to stealthy move away—but his foot was on the hem of her skirt. He sniffed and ran a finger under his nose, then moved his foot back and looked in the room one more time, “Hey thanks again.”
The man’s hand rose behind him in a wave as he lumbered past the little girl on the floor, taking one more look for the road. Naomi blinked once then looked at the hem of her skirt, tsking at the shoe print that was left on the white fabric. Her eyes looked up into her mother’s room. This was the garden that Adam and Eve first sinned. And that would be the garden where they last sinned.
“Mommy…” Naomi asked in a small voice, getting onto her feet she took small steps towards the door. “Mommy, when I was playing outside…”
Naomi didn’t even bother to ask who the man was anymore, he was a friend, or an uncle, or someone like that. She stood in the door way, “I was playing outside, and I fell into the rose bush!” She cried softly, “It hurts…”
Naomi could hear a sigh, and then a sniff, Naomi knew what she was doing. That bad thing that her Nanny told her to stay away from; her mother was never really there taking care of her. Her mother’s naked silhouette slinked across the room from her bed, “Go play outside…” and slammed the door in her daughters face.
That was the last time Naomi saw her mother, or dared to enter that room as a child. As a child at least.
If the spaces don't work I'm sorry!!!! I tabbed then and all...so...hopefully
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Posted: Fri Aug 21, 2009 10:06 pm
Okay, so her mom's a whore that doesn't take care of her daughter and lied about Naomi's dad getting killed. I'll bet anything that he was just some random guy and the mother isn't sure who the real father is. I don't know how this relates to the story as a whole, but this is the essence of what I got from this chapter.
Secondly, I liked her name Mary-Ann better than Naomi. MaryAnn is more child-like in my opinion. And with the Bible references, you run the risk of her getting classified as the Naomi in the Bible (she was the mother-in-law to Ruth; good person with horrible misfortune and takes care of Ruth).
Thirdly, you did very well with the mysterious man. He's very creepy, and you can understand that he might like Naomi (Mary-Ann) a little too much, but you don't make it too obvious or let Naomi (Mary-Ann) get too worried about it. She reacts just like I imagine any child would. I also like the way you have him say thank you before he leaves. It shows just how horrible a person he is.
Lastly, I'm confused by the last line. "That was the last time Naomi saw her mother, or dared to enter that room as a child." The way that the first half is worded makes me thing that she never sees her mother again which I know isn't true because of she's the one storming up the stairs in the first chapter, right?
Anyway, once again, well done with this story!
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 6:34 am
I really liked the first chapter -- it held my attention and made me want to know what would happen next, and the phrasing is tense and exciting. I like that Mary-Ann and Alex seem to have a close relationship that, even while it seems to be developing hints of more-than-friends, clearly doesn't depend on existent or potential romance for its strength.
The only issues I have are the occasional sentence fragments you use here and there; sometimes a few can be used for emphasis, but there were several points where I got the impression that you hadn't done them on purpose. Other than that, it flowed well and gripped me tightly.
The second chapter, conversely, confused me. It didn't seem to mesh with much of anything from the previous, and it wasn't just because you changed Mary-Ann's name to Naomi. It just didn't have the same feel, and even while I understood that it was a flashback or something of the sort, it came across as a piece of a different story. It might have been that Mary-Ann/Naomi's perspective didn't seem to be written quite the same way. It was more matter-of-fact and less experience-the-moment than the previous chapter, which was actually more jarring because in this one, she's younger. I also join CyberianTsuinami in being perplexed by the last line, for much the same reason as she listed, and I share her preference for the name Mary-Ann versus Naomi. Lastly, I don't know if I can quite reconcile the descriptions of the mother in the first chapter with the contents of the second. Again, it felt as though it were a different story altogether, and it was hard to get into it because of that.
Nonetheless, I really enjoyed both parts in different ways, and am vastly curious about what will happen to Alex. The whole first chapter reminds me of a dream I had several years ago, involving my grandparents' old house, a hidden door, and a forbidden stair -- you evoked that same feeling with your writing. Excellent job so far!
(Apologies to CyberianTsuinami if I have misinterpreted your gender. >.>)
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:35 am
Oh snap....
I didn't change Mary-Ann's name. It's still Mary-Ann, I changed her mom's name.
You see, it's Mary-Ann's mother's story. Mary-Ann is not in the second chapter, it's explaining as to why her mother is all crazy-god-fearing-crazy lady.
If that clears anything up....
I probably should have read through it before I posted it. I wrote it awhile ago...so I really don't even remember what I wrote. haha...
But, the reason why it is almost written in a different way is because it's a flashback into her mother's childhood....I probably should have said that first. It has nothing to do with MAry-Ann~
Promise.
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Posted: Mon Aug 24, 2009 5:15 pm
Oh. That totally makes way more sense.
Sorry for long-winded comments based on misunderstanding. sweatdrop
Knowing it's Mary-Ann's mom, now I appreciate the use of the name Naomi; I think it works really well. And also, knowing it's Mary-Ann's mom, the whole thing does fit better. It's still a bit jarring, I suppose, but only because there's no clear transition, and because the first chapter was so cliffhanger-y. It seems like perhaps you're going for a disjointed style, where tension keeps getting built and then left for a while and only then released. If so, keep at it -- you've got a great start so far.
Sorry once again for the confusion.
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Posted: Fri Aug 28, 2009 4:45 pm
.Luna.Switch.Blade. Oh snap....
I didn't change Mary-Ann's name. It's still Mary-Ann, I changed her mom's name.
You see, it's Mary-Ann's mother's story. Mary-Ann is not in the second chapter, it's explaining as to why her mother is all crazy-god-fearing-crazy lady.
If that clears anything up....
I probably should have read through it before I posted it. I wrote it awhile ago...so I really don't even remember what I wrote. haha...
But, the reason why it is almost written in a different way is because it's a flashback into her mother's childhood....I probably should have said that first. It has nothing to do with MAry-Ann~
Promise. Wow, now I feel like an idiot. Everything makes so much more sense now. I agree with borderline-mary. Now that I understand that's it's the mother and not Mary-Ann I like Noami. I'm not sure if we get the Mom's name in chapter one; I think that's what threw me off. Anyway, now that my confusion has been cleared up. I applaud this last chapter. It makes everything make more sense like why the little girl has a nanny when she didn't in the first chapter. Sorry about that .Luna.Switch.Blade.@ borderline-mary It's okay. I'm a girl. heart
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Posted: Tue Sep 01, 2009 4:29 pm
Haha. Again, I'm sorry about it.
I write these things then forget that I probably didn't mention her name
>_>
My bad.
And I'm glad that you all liked it!
Sadly, that is all I have. I have one chapter kind of done...
but I don't like it, because I was going more into a supernatural thing
And I don't want that....so...I'll try to get something done. haha
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Posted: Fri Nov 27, 2009 12:29 pm
Whenever you get the chance, .Luna.Switch.Blade. We've all been there; sometimes it takes a couple of tries to get the chapter to where you want it to go.
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