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 Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 9:32 pm
You're much too beautiful
To be real, there's no such
Thing as perfection.
To deify a human is not
Supposed to be right,
But I think that you
Might fall under that
Category, allowing me
To break the rules,
Once more.
Poem (c) dragonlover711.deviantart.com / [_jaws_] on Gaiaonline.com
Got around to posting a random poem...THIS IS NOT BETA'D
Comments anyway~?
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Posted: Mon Jul 06, 2009 10:03 pm
first off....and i keep meaning to say so, but i luv the pic in ur sig!!! it's great!
the poem....agorphia may get on to you about the no beta thing...hee hee...she's a stickler for that kinda stuff....the grammatical whatnot. ^-^
to me....i think this is moving. it's simple and short....which is good for those that have the attention span of a puppy. LOL! it just leaves me with one question tho: if they're too beautiful to be human, what are they?
yays you! you haven't posted in awhile, so i'm happy! 4laugh
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 1:06 pm
Dragons Willow first off....and i keep meaning to say so, but i luv the pic in ur sig!!! it's great! the poem....agorphia may get on to you about the no beta thing...hee hee...she's a stickler for that kinda stuff....the grammatical whatnot. ^-^ to me....i think this is moving. it's simple and short....which is good for those that have the attention span of a puppy. LOL! it just leaves me with one question tho: if they're too beautiful to be human, what are they? yays you! you haven't posted in awhile, so i'm happy! 4laugh Well that's the thing about the poem. You're not supposed to deify a human, and this (I'm not really going to disclose who I'm talking about, heh.) person is supposed to be too beautiful to be a human. Even if you're not supposed to, you deify them anyway, making them a form of a god. And thank you~ I'm aware about the beta thing, but I just never have time to. ><
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 6:18 pm
¤::::: I knew it was Jim's house. "...Well, then why'd you do it?" :::::¤ Haha, I see my reputation precedes me. xDDD
It's short and sweet, but some of your line breaks are awkward. The line breaks near the end are fine, but one example of a line break that bother me is this:
Quote: To be real, there's no such Thing as perfection.
Instead, I would format like this:
Quote: To be real; There's no such thing As perfection.
It reads a lot less awkward when it's formatted like this. ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:02 pm
I KNEW YOU'D SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY LINE BREAKS
xD
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 7:30 pm
It was good. Nice point, I liked the line breaks. It was just kind of wierd at the end. Like, it was unconnected? I don't know.
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 8:55 pm
[_Jaws_] I KNEW YOU'D SAY SOMETHING ABOUT MY LINE BREAKS xD Haha. xD
I sort of agree with zeula about the end. Although I'm not sure in what aspect she means the poem is disconnected. (It unconnected a word? >_>)
*smacks grammar Nazi poking out of head* DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT NOW.
HA. UM. Anyway. >___>;
I think the last three lines connect very nicely with each other with the line breaks, but they're disconnected from the rest of the poem. There's nothing in the rest of the poem that foreshadows or hints that a relationship might exist between the speaker and this muchtoobeautiful thing. If the poem was longer and allowed more space to clear that up, then the ending would connect better. ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 9:55 pm
Alright, thanks for all the critique, lovelies~
DO remember that I wrote this in twenty seconds on a random evening and it's not beta'd, however.
>>
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 12:39 am
kudos for the 20second poem!!!! WOOT WOOT!!! rofl
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 7:22 pm
[_Jaws_] Alright, thanks for all the critique, lovelies~ DO remember that I wrote this in twenty seconds on a random evening and it's not beta'd, however. >> << Haha, that's what editing is for! O:
I need to edit my Dreams to Dust poem. @_@ ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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![[_Jaws_]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/fc/59/703f596a4559fc_flip.png?t=1760026235_6_01)
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