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 Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 5:27 am
Name: Ethan
Gender: Male
Age: 16
Sexual Orientation: heterosexual
Rank: Canidate
Appearance: Short with short red hair. He would resemble closely what sorka did.
Personality: energetic, and caring towards animals
History: Ethan was born in what was the Kilarny stake and what is just a house out in the middle of nowhere. His mom and dad were dragonriders like everyone in his family. He remained in Kilarny after they died in a thread fall, when he was 12.
Pet(s): brown firelizard named Noble
Other: He loves to read his grandmother sorka's Journal on animals and dragons. (the journal is continuously rewritten by family members)
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Posted: Wed Jul 08, 2009 6:51 am
I've found several things that need to be changed:
1. This is the 10th pass. Last names were dropped somewhere between the first and second pass. As were earth names.
2. It's highly improbable that he's the splitting image.
3. From what I remember, Killarney was only a proposition, but was never actually settled. But even still, there's little chance that it survived.
4. There are slim chances that journal survived this long, either.
(Something to keep in mind--a pass is 500 Turns/years long.)
Randieh!edit: Also, please make full sentences. We don't ask for much on profiles, but a complete sentence or two per section would be really nice. Also, we need more on personality than that.
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 8:26 am
ok, but remember in renegades of pern they discover a computer that speaks named AIVAS. and also i fixed some things
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Posted: Fri Jul 10, 2009 11:57 am
You didn't fix anything, you reworded it.
Do not challenge my knowledge on Pern. I do know of AIVAS, but had you read the front page, you would've found that this Weyr has taken an alternate route from it. AIVAS was never found, the red star still circulates, thread falls.
The name is very Earth-Terrain. Earth names were dropped between the first and second pass.
There is little to no chance that he would look like Sorka. You've got a vast range of different appearances you could have. Same goes with your personality. Lengthen it own, expound on your character.
Be more original.
I'm highly suggesting you rewrite your character.
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