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 Posted: Sun Jul 19, 2009 8:59 pm
Hello!
very excited about this novel off and can't wait to hear what you all think of my story.
In terms of your critiques, feel free to absolutely tear it to shreds - constructively of course. Anything from typos to crappy characters, plot flaws, anything basically. Oh, and if ever I write Atuan instead of Anturon (as I have caught myself doing 3 times already) please let me know - Don't think Ursula Le Guinn would be too pleased if I pinched Atuan.
Just to explain a little, chapter one, and later chapter two, are supposed to be passages from "The Arcane Lore of the Middle and Northern Reaches", which will come back into the story later on.
This is still a little short at the moment for a whole chapter and I may develop it further later, once I hear all your critiques. But for now, it's a start.
Hope you enjoy my strange story xd
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Posted: Wed Jul 22, 2009 10:25 pm
lol I like it so far, although it's a bit short.
Hmm You have a very older style type of narration going. I like that too, I just thing the begining part about the world is a bit info dumpy.
You could probably merge that into the story's narration in a more flowy and subtler way. info dumps are a turn off when you start reading something immediately, because no one wants to remember info and names for anything to make sense later.
It'd be easier to start with your dialogue and then sow in that description in the narration.
lol I like the old school type of wording and sentences though, it's just that setting description you need to do something with.
I WANT MOREEEEEEE TO REAAADDDDDD scream
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Posted: Thu Jul 23, 2009 5:21 am
EmperorZensekai lol I like it so far, although it's a bit short. Hmm You have a very older style type of narration going. I like that too, I just thing the begining part about the world is a bit info dumpy. You could probably merge that into the story's narration in a more flowy and subtler way. info dumps are a turn off when you start reading something immediately, because no one wants to remember info and names for anything to make sense later. It'd be easier to start with your dialogue and then sow in that description in the narration. lol I like the old school type of wording and sentences though, it's just that setting description you need to do something with. I WANT MOREEEEEEE TO REAAADDDDDD scream yeah i know it's short - i must be getting rusty! it's been sooo long since I did any writing that wasn't for uni. And I wholeheartedly agree with ALL your critiques. I will smooth out the intro and i will make it longer (it seemed so long while i was writing it. razz ) As for the "old school" wording and narration, this is just kind of how i talk xd lol a little more flowery here and there though. Thanks so much for your comments Zen. I shall take all of that on board smile
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Posted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:42 pm
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Posted: Thu Jul 30, 2009 6:03 am
Just in case you missed the bright red type at the start of chapter two (unlikely, I know, but it's the kind of thing I would do), I thought I'd post it here too.
* I just realised before (major oversight) that I completely forgot to include the Sorceress's name in chapter 1. She will not simply be "the sorceress" throughout the whole thing. Her name is Arna Arishka. I will work this into my redraft of chapter one and hopefully upload it soon.
* Also, I'm not quite all there at the moment *is sick* so, if there's any gibberish or bits that don't make sense, please let me know, or (quite likely) any spots where the style/narrative voice slips out of character.
* Lastly, I know absolutely nothing about farming or agriculture (and haven't had time for research), so if there are any gaping voids or obvious mistakes in this regard, please point them out.
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 11:50 am
Another long crit of Zen's xD....
Hmm I think you might want to mention what kind of crops they grow, briefly, to paint a picture a bit more.
there were breaks in the chapter I don't think you needed or were in the wrong spot.
The exposition of that chapter was rather long, I'd shorten it if you could, and put the first break after the words "Northern Furies"
you split the exposition of description and stuff over 2 sections, and it got kind of long and redundant that way, and that would be a much stronger ending point if you moved it there and shortened the detail a bit to make it more precise.
the second break I don't think you needed at all, but the others were in the right spots.
the one thing I think you need to work on in this chapter though is I still don't know where the story is going (I'm unsure how much you have planned out? But a rule for yourself should be always know what comes after what section you're writing on and always know what the point of your chapter is. Seems common sense but even I forget it sometimes lol)
I think expanding in more detail on the sorceress would help greatly, so I know why this sorceress is important to remember. She seems to rule the chapter anyway, make it focus on developing her some more since there's not a whole lot plot wise happening at the moment.
you should hint at what meaning she has too, why or what do we learn from her character?
I do like the pretty description though, the begining started off strong which is hard to do when you're just detailing a setting. It got on the long side after a while, but it started off strong.
The trail of narration was great as always too, I just think you needed to ponder the lady some more, so to give like an identifiable person for the reader to relate to through second hand accounts, while there isn't a main character to follow around.
(realizes how confusing that sounded)
I am interested to read more, it's just I think that chapter felt like filler kind of (yeah I do fillers a lot XD LOL, I know when it's hard to organize your thoughts without doing a filler every once in a while)
try to toss stuff in the next one that I can use to statisfy my thirst for
seeing what's going to happen next, because you've drawn this vivid setting but I don't have someone to latch onto who's in this setting.
(kind of the opposite of what I told Chee in her story)
(exit crit mode)
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 5:16 pm
EmperorZensekai Another long crit of Zen's xD.... Hmm I think you might want to mention what kind of crops they grow, briefly, to paint a picture a bit more. there were breaks in the chapter I don't think you needed or were in the wrong spot. The exposition of that chapter was rather long, I'd shorten it if you could, and put the first break after the words "Northern Furies" you split the exposition of description and stuff over 2 sections, and it got kind of long and redundant that way, and that would be a much stronger ending point if you moved it there and shortened the detail a bit to make it more precise. the second break I don't think you needed at all, but the others were in the right spots. the one thing I think you need to work on in this chapter though is I still don't know where the story is going (I'm unsure how much you have planned out? But a rule for yourself should be always know what comes after what section you're writing on and always know what the point of your chapter is. Seems common sense but even I forget it sometimes lol) I think expanding in more detail on the sorceress would help greatly, so I know why this sorceress is important to remember. She seems to rule the chapter anyway, make it focus on developing her some more since there's not a whole lot plot wise happening at the moment. you should hint at what meaning she has too, why or what do we learn from her character? I do like the pretty description though, the begining started off strong which is hard to do when you're just detailing a setting. It got on the long side after a while, but it started off strong. The trail of narration was great as always too, I just think you needed to ponder the lady some more, so to give like an identifiable person for the reader to relate to through second hand accounts, while there isn't a main character to follow around. (realizes how confusing that sounded) I am interested to read more, it's just I think that chapter felt like filler kind of (yeah I do fillers a lot XD LOL, I know when it's hard to organize your thoughts without doing a filler every once in a while) try to toss stuff in the next one that I can use to statisfy my thirst for seeing what's going to happen next, because you've drawn this vivid setting but I don't have someone to latch onto who's in this setting. (kind of the opposite of what I told Chee in her story) (exit crit mode) wow! that's a long crit! Thanks Zen. I'm quite sure I understand what you mean by "the exposition of that chapter was rather long". I do know what's coming next - and you will too, after you read chapter 3. This is just kind of getting me to that point. The sorceress is much more central in chapter 3. However, I see you point, and when I redraft chapters 1 and 2 I will elaborate on her. i agree with you on the positioning of the breaks, and i will move/delete some. As before, great crit, Zen. Thank you muchly! *huggles* i will redraft when i get time. biggrin
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 7:12 pm
you're welcome, I fail at explaining things so I never know if anything makes sense xd
yeah I pretty sure you knew, I'm betting you've been planning the story for a quite some time huh? mrgreen
I gave you a long ranting one like I did with Chee.
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:48 am
Oooh, I likes this xd
I told you last week what I thought of the first chapte. Namely that I needed more of it, lol, but that the characterisation is good.
Just watch your spelling: you need to replace "quite" with "quiet" in the first chapter.
Chapter 2:
I like the sort of fable style you're developing here. I think the agricultural side of things is fine. Given the fact that the land seems to be "magical" and their crops survive - except for the storm - works and makes up for the fact that you normally need to rotate your fields and let some lie fallow for a year. But the fact that they are all surprised by the continually good harvest makes this a moot point.
Again, I want some more in this chapter. A little more about the people of the town, I think. Especially the young man and Jasper and the Brother etc.
Myfanwy is a brilliant name, by the way.
Also, when it comes to Arna's warning, I'd put it in italics or quote it, to make it a little more obvious in this chapter. Also, I want more expanded o nthe children trying to see her collect her offering. Maybe they dare each other who can get closer, etc.?
Ahem, as I have said to the others, mooooooore! Please razz
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 5:26 pm
Cheeva Catkin Oooh, I likes this xd I told you last week what I thought of the first chapte. Namely that I needed more of it, lol, but that the characterisation is good. Just watch your spelling: you need to replace "quite" with "quiet" in the first chapter. Chapter 2: I like the sort of fable style you're developing here. I think the agricultural side of things is fine. Given the fact that the land seems to be "magical" and their crops survive - except for the storm - works and makes up for the fact that you normally need to rotate your fields and let some lie fallow for a year. But the fact that they are all surprised by the continually good harvest makes this a moot point. Again, I want some more in this chapter. A little more about the people of the town, I think. Especially the young man and Jasper and the Brother etc. Myfanwy is a brilliant name, by the way. Also, when it comes to Arna's warning, I'd put it in italics or quote it, to make it a little more obvious in this chapter. Also, I want more expanded o nthe children trying to see her collect her offering. Maybe they dare each other who can get closer, etc.? Ahem, as I have said to the others, mooooooore! Please razz *huggles* Thank-you Chee! I will try to develop the characters a little more in my redraft (if i ever get around to it XD) - I kind of pictured Brother Almar as being a little like Friar Tuck Arna's warning was in italics, but when i copied and pasted into Gaia it lost all formatting and, forgetting there was italics in there, I didn't go through and reformat. I'll add that to my redraft list. i like the idea of the children daring each other to get closer to the mountain and expanding on their desire to see Arna. I will try to work this in too smile Thanks again XD Chapter three soming soon, w00t!
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