With the onset of puberty comes a condition every man knows, many women resent, and very few people understand.
Morning Wood.
I'm not talking about a baseball bat beside the bed, although a certainly similarity does exist. I'm not talking about the headboard of the bed, but if certain precautions are not kept, the headboard certainly could figure into the situation. The pressing subject I bring to you attention today is a flow of blood into sponge-like tissues, which is then held in place by a constriction of vascular tissues, causing an engorgement.
A boner, in other words.
Exactly why men wake up in the morning with a cat-scratching post is a matter that has been subjected to countless experiments and studies over many years, mostly by feminazis interested in preventing the condition.
Their studies show men wake up with a johnson at full attention in the morning because of:
1) Bladder pressure.
2) A physiological response from the body to promote a blood flow into the area.
3) The day's peak level of testosterone occurs just before rising.
4) Men actually hate women and use sex to oppress them. By having or even wanting sex in the morning before rising, men re-assert their authority immediately and further oppress women.
Male scientists have also studied this phenonemon for all of three minutes and determined the following:
1) It is "One of them thangs."
So why, precisely, do men wake up in the morning with an erection? This incident has been observed in men of age approaching 100 years, in men who are otherwise impotent, and in your humble scribe every morning for the past 21 years or so. For a truly scientific exploration, we must examine all 5 of the above hypothesises (Latin for I Made This s**t Up This Morning While Trying To Piss With A Boner) in detail.
To test this theory, our crack scientific review team of myself, Dr. D. Leer Ious and one person who asked to not be named volunteered for research. Where appropriate, our wives were also used in the experiments. In order to maintain the secrecy needed in expert scientific tests, the three subjects will only identified by completely randomly assigned nicknames, Doc, Writer and Dipshit. Wives are identified as 1, 2 and 3.
By theory
1) Bladder pressure.
Now if this were the case, then men would experience stiffies at all sorts of events where large quantities of beer are imbibed. The test subjects visited the Neon Cowboy for several evenings in a row while our ... er, their respective wives were in another state boosting that state's economy considerably. Copious quantities of fermented malt beverages were imbibed before the subjects were interviewed.
DOC: Damnation. You see that blonde with the big tits? Gonna bust my zipper!
WRITER: That redhead is living proof that a G-string does not cover a well-stretched a**s. You could fly a damn flag on this pole.
DIPSHIT: Woohoo! Hey baby, wanna do some pole vaulting with me? (Note: Subject Dipshit was seen escorting one of the dancers into a back room. We can only infer from his statement that he did have an erection.)
FINDING: Bladder pressure does indeed result in an erection.
2) A physiological response from the body to promote a blood flow into the area.
For this test, the subjects had blood flow to various parts of their anatomy restricted by use of a tourniquet. Body parts were chosen at random.
DOC: Tourniquet around neck. Result - Subject turned red, then blue, then passed out. Upon release of tourniquet, subject regained color in reverse order, then complained about a throbbing. (Note: Many men experience a phenomenon called a "blue-veiner" and report throbbing.)
DIPSHIT: Tourniquet applied to leg above knee. Result - similar color change. Subject reported pain as blood flow stopped, then when allowed to resume, reported yet more pain. (Note: This may be related to a potentially fatal condition called "Blue Balls." See report on Blue Balls in Dribbling Drivel.)
WRITER: Tourniquet attempted to be applied to right arm. Subject hostile. Refused to allow tourniquet saying he needed his hand to type. Result - Inconclusive.
FINDING: Blood flow does cause erection-like symptoms in two-thirds of subjects tested.
3) The day's peak level of testosterone occurs just before rising.
For this experiment some way was needed to quantify the level of testosterone in each subject just prior to rising. Since testosterone is known to promote aggression as well as sexual desire, it was decided to provoke the fight reflex by throwing a bucket of cold water on the subjects, without notice, one morning. That reaction would be gauged against a similar bucket of water thrown on the subject at the end of the day.
WRITER: Morning; Subject threw experiments through the window. Evening; Subject slammed experiments into the driveway.
DIPSHIT: Morning; Subject fired several shots at experimenters. Evening; Subject attempted to chase down experiments and "Beat your goddam asses you ******** perverted bastards."
DOC: Morning; Subject punched experimenters. Evening; Subject may have attempted aggressive response, but adrenalin rush was burned out as subject broke loose from chair (subject was tied to chair), and swam up from bottom of pool (subject was thrown in pool instead of having cold water thrown on subject.)
FINDING: Testosterone levels are higher in the morning.
4) Men actually hate women.
For this experiment, the subjects were asked to act on whatever they felt in the morning with their respective spouses. Subjects and spouses were interviewed later the same day and asked the identical question "Did y'all knock the boots this morning or what?"
WRITER: Woohoo.
Wife 1: What? I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 1 said after that was not recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.)
DOC: Yeah babeeee. Yeah.
Wife 2: What? I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 2 said after that was not recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.)
DIPSHIT: Don't you know it.
Wife 3: What? I'm gonna (Note: Whatever 3 said after that was not recorded as the experimenters were fleeing for their lives.)
FINDING: Inconclusive.
Our final theory to be tested is that of male researchers.
1) One of them thangs.
DOC: One of them thangs.
WRITER: One of them thangs.
DIPSHIT: One of them thangs.
FINDING: One of them thangs.
What can we state from the overall survey and study? Primarily, ladies please feel free to "knock on wood" in the morning. The man in your life will appreciate it.
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