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Darkest_Lies_4_1

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Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:04 pm

Hey, In this little area I'll be posting poetry that I write in here. Normally they are based on how I feel when I write them or I get a thought about something then turn it into a poem...a long one.

Once I start writing something I CAN'T STOP!!!!!! Anyway here are some of my works.

Posted: Tue Jul 28, 2009 10:08 pm

Broken Hearts
When I reach out
To someone for company
They push me aside
My heart breaks once

When love ins in my grasp
But when I try to share
My heart breaks twice

When I cry for help
They ignore my pleas
My heart breaks thrice

Now my heart breaks
A hundred times fold
My heart breaks more
When I think about those breaks

Now my life has ended
Just so I can take my broken heart
To a place where it will no longer break

Now I look down
To see those I knew
I can see regret

Not taking my hand
Not sharing my love
Not helping me up

Darkest_Lies_4_1

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Posted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 7:43 pm

Guardian's Tale

During the long dark times
Guardians wrote the tales
Deep in the pits of time
Of the hero's throughout time

The ink from pens on parchment
Forming words of their tales
That shall forever be remembered
By those that read them

One lone Guardian
Writes on parchment alone
He writes of the unfamous
The hero's easily forgotten

Alone at a desk
With pen in hand
The lone Guardian
Wrote of a hero
Forgotten to all but him

One who knew the tales
The tales of time
He traveled from place to place
And told his talkes

Some asked why not once
But time and time again
Why he has not told tales
Of wisdom and strength

Time and time again
He gives them the same reply
Then says nothing more
And continues with his tales

The lone Guardian
Was asked by others
Time and time again
Why won't he write
Of the higher deeds

One day of light
Broke through the darkness
And the long dark days
All came to a end

The lone Guardian
Was nowhere to be found
All that remained was his scrolls
And his last piece of parchment
That held his last drops of ink

The words thin lines
Were loud and clear
Painfully remembering the words

The hero's of wisdom and strength
Are remembered by mind
But those of smaller deeds
Are remembered by heart

Posted: Mon Aug 03, 2009 6:37 pm

Okay. The heart poem first:
-I personally, get very sick of the topic in general...not that I'm hating on you or the poem itself, I just find the topic very bland and over did. I personally, think it all sounds the same. But hey, that's just me.

-"When love ins in"
typo? Because...I have no idea what that is...

-I dunno...I think with some work it could be much better. It just does nothing for me. At all. (I fully realize I'm being harsh here, but I think people need to be more harsh...I also think that is improper grammar >.> )
I just...I can't get into the poem. It sounds like every other sad poem written by all teenage girls. I dunno...I just....I can't do it.
...sorry...

Poem two:
-Better. I like how it starts, it's like a story. I can dig it. Though, use a different word other than time. Like...
"During the long dark ages
Guardians wrote the tales
Deep in the pits of time
Of the hero's throughout generations"
something like that.

-I like the second stanza, though, reword it just a tid. It's kind of hard to follow

-You use "one lone" and then "alone" repetitive. Change it. Maybe also think about reworking the last line, it just doesn't seem to fit.

-4...I would get rid of it. You are just repeating yourself. or get rid of the third stanza, I personally like the fourth better. But...you are just repeating yourself. And no one wants to read the same thing over and over

-Re work the fifth stanza, it doesn't sound right. "Told his talkes" ...no. The same goes with the sixith stanza, "Some asked why not once/but time and time again" I dunno...it doesn't flow into each other. I was confused, and had to reread it...I still kind of don't get it >.>

-I dunno....the rest is just very short and choppy. And doesn't flow. Rewrite it. You have a very good start, and you could do a lot with the subject. I like it, how this guardian writes about the small deeds that perhaps need to be recognized more often than those large ones. Just...rewrite it.
Read it out loud. Things that don't sound right, change. Because if it doesn't sound right when you say it, it won't sound right on paper or to other people.

Well...please don't hate me for being intense, but that is the only way we learn. ^^

.Luna.Switch.Blade.

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Darkest_Lies_4_1

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Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 6:37 pm

Thank you for replying.

First of everything that I write just comes to me and I put my feelings into it so some parts of my work is what I'm feeling at that particular time. You probably didn't understand parts of it since you weren't quite understanding the deep feelings in the words. There are there but they can be quite deep.

Yes there are typos. The first one you mentioned is supposed to be 'is in'. I tend to type a little to fast therefore creating spelling errors, also I tend not to look up at the screen when I'm copying something unless I can feel that I made a mistake.

Now most of your exlpanations were a little confusing to me. So I'm not going to respond to that.

Posted: Thu Aug 13, 2009 6:41 pm

Stones of the Elements

Four small stones
Placed in the four corners
Of this lone world
Keeps four different powers
In perfect balance and harmony

Up to the far North
Above the land's heart
A small rough stone
Lies the Earth's Emerald

In the distant East
Under the hottest land
A small bright stone
Lies the Heart's Ruby

Down to the long South
Hidden in the cold blue
A small smooth stone
Lies the Eye's Saffire

Through the extended West
High above the rest
A small clear stone
Lies the Cheast's Diamond

At the World's heart
Each stone has a place
For those of pure heart
Shall hear their voices

Darkest_Lies_4_1

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Posted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:42 pm

Night

Looking up to endless black
Mixing with the deepest blue
It's beauty unmached
By the rising and setting sun

Spread across it's vast darkness
Up high the shining stars
They brought a faint light
That light up the darkness of night

Welcome to Gaia! ::

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