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 Posted: Wed Jul 29, 2009 4:50 pm
lol the novel is down at the very bottom of the forum since I posted it ages ago...
ok for criticism try to make it stuff I can work on when writing he next part out for you to read but not revising the stuff I already went and did.
If you tell me all the revisions I need, chances are I'll end up loosing the drive to actually finish a draft lol.
I want the full enchilada on what didn't work for you, as long as you explain why you didn't like something.
"I no like it" doesn't help sweatdrop
I admit, my story beginings suck in general lol. So if you can get past the prologue it'll probably get better...
I even have an alternate opening... because the opening was bad.... I'll type the alternate one up too... sweatdrop
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 8:04 pm
Prologue:
I noticed a few places where there was repetition—I believe this was done intentionally for emphasis but I found it somewhat distracting due to the number of times it was used.
The following are examples of what I’m referring to:
"There was music, music all around"
"I remember that it was familiar, somewhere barely familiar,"
"Too many people, good people died here"
I felt that the characterization of Alcamede may need a bit of work. Despite being six years old, she’s very articulate and very confident—more so than I would expect from even a special or enlightened child. She seems very adult so it’s difficult, as a reader, to believe her age when it is stated. It’s important to make sure the characterization fits with who you are claiming the character to be.
Chapter One
I felt the setting was somewhat confusing due to a lack of context from Ieylana. Though she seems a bit awed and surprised by the current location, it’s never really stated what she would normally expect or what she normally sees so it’s hard, as a reader, to make a comparison and share that awe. We can see her experiencing it but we can’t really experience it with her.
I feel that some more distinct characterization could be used for some of the different characters because currently everyone seems very similar. They speak in similar ways, react in similar ways and so forth without having much variation from person to person. It will help flesh out characters and make them more alive to the reader if you give them different language and mannerisms.
I felt that the resolution of the chapter was a little rushed—namely after Ieylana is told she’s going to be taken in and changed. She seems to have very little emotional reaction despite the sudden, vast change and then the chapter ends only a few paragraphs later without giving the reader time to really absorb what’s happened.
That’s all for this chapter.
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Posted: Fri Jul 31, 2009 9:31 pm
biggrin I love your story so far, Zen!
I'm really interested to see where this goes. You've create a really vivid world here and some fantastic characters.
a couple of teensy things that stuck out:
"the murals reflected on passersby's ankles" - this sounded kind of clunky and, actually, kind of hard to say. Perhaps "the ankles of passersby" would flow better.
When I read "shopping centre", "escalators" and "electric lights" It was a little jarring to find this is a much more "modern" (for want of a better word) world than I had envisaged earlier in the piece. That said, however, I do like the contrast between the shopping center - shrine of capitalism - and the Gate of Avalon, with its associated spirituality, and feudal leadership.
Another point that was a little jarring was where the narrative suddenly leapt from Ieylana to Togada. I went back and re-read the previous paragraph to make sure I hadn't missed something.
But again, after resolving that in my mind, i really got into it and I am so intrigued to learn more about Ieylana, and about the gateway. Fantastic piece so far, Zen. Keep it up. I can't wait to see chapter 2 biggrin
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Posted: Sat Aug 01, 2009 10:38 pm
next chapter is up, I forgot how info dumpy it was LOL
tell me if it's boring xp
don't tell me revisions to do though, otherwise I'll never type up anything new.
be honest if it's boring and you forced yourself to read it xp
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 7:22 am
Fiiiinnnnaaally! I take forever to read sweatdrop
Okay, I realy really enjoyed this. Characterisation is good, dialogue is brilliant - definitely the strongest aprt of the piece so far. I like the glimpses I have so far of your world and it's cast. I am especially liking Togda.
Prologue and chapter 1 - there isn't much to add as I agree 100% with what Arnoria and Angela have already said. The only things I would pick out, seperate from what they did, are:
"Along" instead "alone" in first few apragraphs of the first chapter
"Stories" instead of "storeys" in the first chapter
"An" instead of "and" when Togda bends the glyphs"
You need to make the transition from Ieylana's narration to Togda's narration a little more obvious. A page break would do.
You need to "pad" the chapter out a little. It was a little too easy that she became the Emminent Anthea without a lot more argument and, perhaps, ceremony? I just felt it needed more - but you can very easily add this when you start the second draft smile
In chapter 2:
I really felt I was missing something about the world. The plot definitely carries forward well, and it's obvious you know the world inside-out and backwards....but it doesn't quite translate across from us.
But, other than needing to expand on your world building and description, I have to say I adored the dialogue and characters in this chapter. I reall wanted more to happen with Kiki and Ieylana when they first met, the struggles at learning the language, etc. I really like Kiki and I so want to hear more on her.
I also really, really enjoyed the lesson with Togda but, again, when you redraft you need to sort of expand on it. On Ieylana's emotions and on the politics she talks about. You've really intrigued me with the hints you've given and I really want more. MORE!
Chapter 3
I found this to be better than the others. I adored the talking cart - that made me smile so much, very cool and very unique - and I found the characterisation was good here too. Slowl down your pacing a bit, though. We sort of race through the palace and don't get to take it in. But Ieylana's emotions were so very much better portrayed here. She is definitely far more fleshed out in this chapter and I really enjoyed her. The hints about Zen are so intriguing, I have to know where he is and what's going on or I'll go nuts XD I also really liked the tension between Togda and the Prince. That was good characterisation there, most definitely.
Defintiely not boring, Zen. I love that unique clash of old magic and new - almost space-age - technology. It isn't something that is often done and you're handling it extremely well. Your characters are shaping up very nicely and your world is unique and obviously, wonderfully, complex.
I really want to read more heart
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:14 pm
you're asking for more back history on Togada's life? or are you talking about Ieylana becoming apprentice? she's not apprentice yet, did I make that confusing? eek which she do you mean?
Emperor will show up in teh next chapter and approve or disprove her.
I wrote this draft 2 years ago xd xd xd xd xd xd
I'm reading it and going "what the hell was I thinking?"
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Posted: Sun Aug 02, 2009 10:16 pm
stoooooop telling me revisionsssssssss!!!
I've been revising for 2 years and it's only half done gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk gonk
stooooooooooppppppp
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