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 Posted: Sun Aug 16, 2009 5:59 pm
¤::::: I knew it was Jim's house. "...Well, then why'd you do it?" :::::¤ A review on blazestonefire656's story "The Prince and the Unsuspecting Commoner."
The Overall...ness...: This story has a nice introduction. There isn't too much romantic foreshadowing, so it's not painfully obvious what genre this story is without looking at the subforum it's posted in. However, there is a nice slight hinting with Will's double-take at Danielle.
The Specifics: The colored font for the main characters is handy and makes the story easier to read. Plus, each color symbolizes the general personality of the designated character speaking.
Suggestion for the teacher's name: Mr. Harkwood? ¤::::: Because you asked me to. :::::¤
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Posted: Wed Aug 18, 2010 2:00 pm
'Kaaaay, this is me trying to be active. I haven't really been on Gaia over the past few days due to RL, but I feel bad that I haven't done anything with this guild and that you’ve had to lecture us all. Sorry! To make it up, I decided I'd critique your romance story (I think you said it was yours...somewhere). 'Cause it was cute. ^^
So, yeah, I would change the teacher's name to something random and boring. Like, Smith or Henderson or something. Fickles just kind of jarred me when I first read it and pulled me out of the story.
I was also a bit confused as to why the teacher feels the need to say anything to her at the beginning when all she's done is sigh. She can't be the only one bored out of her mind and showing it--I mean, it's a documentary about plastic. Plus, the rest of the students are too sleepy to notice a new student, meaning she's more alert than all of them, meaning--in comparison--she's an honest to god teacher's pet. Sort of. I also don't really buy the idea that they wouldn't notice a new student--unless they're all full out asleep. Which they're obviously not since they notice when the teacher leaves.
Um...I didn't really like the coloring of the dialogue. I think that works in RPs, but in actual fiction it just bothered me a bit. This is a personal opinion, though, not a technical thing.
Grammar wise you're pretty spot on. There were a couple of spots where I think you mashed two paragraphs together, but other than that, you're good.
I was wincing at the amount of adverbs, though. Most if not all of them are unnecessary, and don't even require any change to the surrounding text. They're just superfluous.
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