Let me start by saying that this is going to be very long because I need to include a lot of background information. I will understand if I don’t get many responses as a result, but want to thank those of you who do take the time to read it.
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It seems that I am in need of some advice, desperately.
My mother and I have never really gotten along. I know she loves me, but at the same time she has come out and admitted that she resents me because she dislikes my father (even though they've been married for 25 years) and I am the reason she and dad got married in the first place. He was the rebound guy after her fiancé dumped her and he ended up getting her pregnant. They got married because back then it was “the right thing to do”.
While as I’ve gotten older our relation ship has gotten better, it will never be a good or solid relationship. This is something I have come to accept. It’s not because I haven’t tried to work at it, but because my mother is a spiteful woman who will hold a grudge to her grave. (Her relationships with my Aunt (her sister) and my sister prove that, but that is an even longer story for another day.)
My mom is depressed. She was diagnosed with clinical depression roughly 8-10 years ago. She stopped taking medication because a) she didn’t like how it made her feel, b) it was expensive and dad’s insurance only covered the generic (she refuses to take any generic medications due to one of her many conspiracy theories), and c) she decided that she didn’t really need it and that the doctor was wrong. In any case, she’s still very, very depressed.
My grandfather passed away 8 years ago (this is when she stopped speaking to my aunt) and my grandmother 1 ½ years ago and both sent her even further into depression. Then this past year my little sister became pregnant but decided to give up her little girl for adoption and it only added to mom’s depression.
The reasons for my sisters decision were magnified by the fact that mom lost her job around the time grandma died and still hasn’t found work (which has added to her depression). This was part of the reason for my sister’s decision. My sister was living with them and my parents can barely take care of themselves let alone an infant who would need clothes, diapers, food and shelter. They had to take a second mortgage out on the house just to pay bills. Mom insisted to my sister that if she “loved the baby” that “everything else would fall into place”. She called my sister and I greedy when we tried to explain that whether she liked it or not, you need money too. She kicked my sister out when she couldn’t get her to change her mind about the adoption and now won’t speak to her.
Now my fiancé and I are getting married in November and mom is all depressed because she can’t afford to buy us anything and she and dad probably won’t be able to afford nice clothes for the wedding (both of which I told her didn’t matter to me.. that she could come in a potato sack and I wouldn’t care as long as she came). We’ve been trying to make things as low key as possible and express to people that it is more or less a semi-formal/business-casual type wedding attire, but being the mother of the bride she seems to think she needs to dress her best.
I’ve run out of ideas, advice and suggestions and so has the rest of the family.
Now I’m sure many of you are going to suggest getting her medical help or counseling, but while these are probably things she needs, I can’t exactly force her to go. She won’t listen to my brother or sister or my father, or pretty much anyone else for that matter. She will come right out and tell us we’re wrong and that we’re just all out to get her when we do suggest these things, but at the same time she will on occasion admit that she’s depressed. While we’re concerned enough by all of this to begin with, it makes us more worried because we know there is a chemical imbalance that runs in the women on her side of the family (grandma had it, my aunt has it, I have it, my sister has it, and mom most likely does too. My aunt and I are on medication for it and my sister is working on getting on meds, but mom denies she has any problems.) She is acting just like my grandmother used to before she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. I don’t know that they are related, but it makes us even more concerned just the same.
I guess my question is where do I go from here? I feel like I am at a complete loss with her, and with my wedding quickly approaching I want to at least find a way to help her enough to want to come to it. Helping her beyond that will take more time than that and I know it, but what do I do for now?
cry
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It seems that I am in need of some advice, desperately.
My mother and I have never really gotten along. I know she loves me, but at the same time she has come out and admitted that she resents me because she dislikes my father (even though they've been married for 25 years) and I am the reason she and dad got married in the first place. He was the rebound guy after her fiancé dumped her and he ended up getting her pregnant. They got married because back then it was “the right thing to do”.
While as I’ve gotten older our relation ship has gotten better, it will never be a good or solid relationship. This is something I have come to accept. It’s not because I haven’t tried to work at it, but because my mother is a spiteful woman who will hold a grudge to her grave. (Her relationships with my Aunt (her sister) and my sister prove that, but that is an even longer story for another day.)
My mom is depressed. She was diagnosed with clinical depression roughly 8-10 years ago. She stopped taking medication because a) she didn’t like how it made her feel, b) it was expensive and dad’s insurance only covered the generic (she refuses to take any generic medications due to one of her many conspiracy theories), and c) she decided that she didn’t really need it and that the doctor was wrong. In any case, she’s still very, very depressed.
My grandfather passed away 8 years ago (this is when she stopped speaking to my aunt) and my grandmother 1 ½ years ago and both sent her even further into depression. Then this past year my little sister became pregnant but decided to give up her little girl for adoption and it only added to mom’s depression.
The reasons for my sisters decision were magnified by the fact that mom lost her job around the time grandma died and still hasn’t found work (which has added to her depression). This was part of the reason for my sister’s decision. My sister was living with them and my parents can barely take care of themselves let alone an infant who would need clothes, diapers, food and shelter. They had to take a second mortgage out on the house just to pay bills. Mom insisted to my sister that if she “loved the baby” that “everything else would fall into place”. She called my sister and I greedy when we tried to explain that whether she liked it or not, you need money too. She kicked my sister out when she couldn’t get her to change her mind about the adoption and now won’t speak to her.
Now my fiancé and I are getting married in November and mom is all depressed because she can’t afford to buy us anything and she and dad probably won’t be able to afford nice clothes for the wedding (both of which I told her didn’t matter to me.. that she could come in a potato sack and I wouldn’t care as long as she came). We’ve been trying to make things as low key as possible and express to people that it is more or less a semi-formal/business-casual type wedding attire, but being the mother of the bride she seems to think she needs to dress her best.
I’ve run out of ideas, advice and suggestions and so has the rest of the family.
Now I’m sure many of you are going to suggest getting her medical help or counseling, but while these are probably things she needs, I can’t exactly force her to go. She won’t listen to my brother or sister or my father, or pretty much anyone else for that matter. She will come right out and tell us we’re wrong and that we’re just all out to get her when we do suggest these things, but at the same time she will on occasion admit that she’s depressed. While we’re concerned enough by all of this to begin with, it makes us more worried because we know there is a chemical imbalance that runs in the women on her side of the family (grandma had it, my aunt has it, I have it, my sister has it, and mom most likely does too. My aunt and I are on medication for it and my sister is working on getting on meds, but mom denies she has any problems.) She is acting just like my grandmother used to before she was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. I don’t know that they are related, but it makes us even more concerned just the same.
I guess my question is where do I go from here? I feel like I am at a complete loss with her, and with my wedding quickly approaching I want to at least find a way to help her enough to want to come to it. Helping her beyond that will take more time than that and I know it, but what do I do for now?
cry
