I t was a dismal day, ordinary for winter. No cars were out, of course, because it was Friday and everyone with a job would be in the center of town. Small piles of snow were everywhere, dotting the usually gray sidewalks with white and black patches of coloring. It was quiet, and no sounds could be heard except for raindrops on the leaves, concrete and roofing. The town was a small town anyway, and the main square consisted only of a few one-story office buildings; one of those towns where everyone knew everything about everyone else. A black, 1988, Volvo 760 drove by the corner of East Elm Street and 43rd , a crossroad of the two streets. It lurched to a stop at the southwest corner, where a red bricked apartment building stood three stories high. The building was one of those apartment buildings that people always looked at, but never went inside. It had three floors, both with fading, chipping, cracked and rusty, blue railings. The doors were painted red, and were also fading. Only one light was on, third floor, left corner. The door to the black car opened, exposing a black haired girl, with pale skin and eyes as black as coal, and the tilt of her eyes hinted that she had Asian ethnicity in her family’s history. She slammed the door shut and ran into the building. Anyone standing observing the scene could have guessed two things; one, that something was wrong, and two, that the girl was going to the lit room, because she’d had to pause to ring the buzzer. Time passed, an hour, two, it stopped raining, even got sunny, then started up again. It was evening when the door opened again. The girl appeared once again at the doorway. This time, however, she was deflated, defeated, a speck in the community. Her dreams were shattered, but the world kept moving on without her.
It was raining when the girl left. Big, heavy drops splattered across her thin cotton shirt, soaking her hair, and her clothes within seconds She turned, the rain hiding big tears that coursed down her cheeks. Time must have passed, but it seemed to fly by. A fight, a secret, a mistake, three years down the drain, a quick kiss; the only goodbye. His face disappeared behind the door that shut with a quiet, but firm click. He was gone now. Out of her grasp, forever and for always. And yet, something wasn’t right. Xannie could feel doubt coursing through her bloodstream. No, this wasn’t how it was supposed to end, no it couldn’t end like this. Not after so long, not after so many dreams, no it couldn’t end like this. Oh god, what would she do now? Xannie lifted her face to the gray clouds above her, and her dark eyes scanned the familiar apartment building before her. The light, on the third floor, left corner, was still on. A silhouette lined the curtains, a pale hand, a blue eyed gaze, for a moment, and gone. Was this how it was going to be?
Xannie walked to her car, opening the door slowly and sliding in. It was cold. Her hands brushed against the fake black leather on the steering wheel. Xannie clicked through her keys, blindly going past the one she wanted several times. It was silver and had a black, fake leather cap on it. Fake, like everything else seemed to be. Shoving the key lamely into the keyhole, Xannie brought her engine to life. She drove slowly, but then again it didn’t matter, because no one was out. She didn’t want to breathe; she wanted to keep his scent with her and his face in her mind. Her head turned, and she saw him sitting beside her, laughing and turning up the radio. He was everywhere, with her all the time. She was alone now. It was a shocking reality that left her breathless, speechless, and numb.
It was all her fault, right? Wasn’t it all her fault? Hadn’t things been going so smoothly, so perfectly? Had she treated him poorly without knowing? Wasn’t there something she could have done? Xannie would have done anything to keep him with her, anything to keep this nightmare from coming true. A salty taste entered her mouth as she bit her tongue to keep from crying. A hand fluttered down to her flat stomach. Who was she fooling? He didn’t want the responsibility, yes, that must have been it. She’d been careless and reckless and stupid. But even so, how could he do this to her? How could he leave her alone like this! Why did his family disapprove of her before? They had no reason to be judgmental. Why did he always have to be so god damned loyal to them after they’d treated him like s**t for the past four years of his life? Why if there was a new family starting for him right here would he turn his head to it and run to his past, to the painful and angering family that didn’t love him. They’d both made a mistake! He couldn’t use his family as an excuse! The black Volvo picked up speed as Xannie’s thoughts became angrier. Soon it was racing down the street, towards the main road, turning onto it and speeding past the bakery where Xannie and Christian had coffee every morning. It sped past the shop where Christian had bought her the locket that now hung around Xannie’s neck. The car sped out of town and headed, like a bullet, for the university.
Xannie’s eyes were watering, and teardrops fell onto her lap, as though the rain was inside her car as well. She was angry, so furious. The Volvo screamed onto a makeshift bridge; the other one was under construction. Hadn’t he promised her he’d always love her? Hadn’t he promised her they’d always be together no matter what? What about when her dog had died, didn’t he say that dogs could love humans for their lifetimes only, but that he’d love her for an eternity? Didn't he talk about how they would grow up and have a family and he would take her to London? Didn't he tell her all about that when they reclined on the beach? Didn’t he promise her that he would always love her! And why didn’t he tell her he was leaving? Why had he kept it a secret?
Xannie sniffed, lifting a hand to wipe her eyes. At that moment, the car ran over a patch of black ice. It spun on the slippery metal plating, sliding over the edge of the railing, and into the river below, smashing against several large rocks on the way down. Xannie screamed, holding onto the wheel as hard as she could. Her thoughts were racing, but they seemed to be moving so much faster than her body. Was she going to die? Was this really how it was going to end? Goodbye Mother, bye Father, I won’t be home for Christmas she thought about the unborn child, just beginning its stages of life. Now it would never grow up, and she'd risked everything on for it. Crying again, she finished her goodbyes Goodbye Christian. At that moment, the Volvo bounced off a boulder, smashing the entire front end of the car inward. The airbags finally inflated, slamming into Xannie’s head, and slamming it backward, snapping her neck. In a period of under a minute, the Volvo was laying at the bottom of the crevasse, destroyed and still.
Christian sat on the edge of his bed, hands clasped, elbows resting on his knees. He swept a hand through his blond hair, and slid the palm across his face, down to his chin. He inhaled a deep breath, exhaling it and laying back onto his bed. The boy arched his neck to look back behind him, out a window. It was still raining. What a dismal day. His apartment seemed so empty, and Christian spread his arms wide to make it seem as though less space was unoccupied. His eyes closed and he told himself that no matter what happened, he’d never forgive himself for this. Xannie will move on, Christian thought, she’ll find a man more worthy of her, one who can support her through school. One who will go and pick her up at the university even if he’s low on gas. One who won’t complain about the fact that she hides her pretty face behind bangs… One who will treat her well… Christian paused, and added, one who won’t love her nearly as much.
Christian let his thoughts wander, and almost automatically the empty space behind his eyelids was filled with a picture. Of course, he saw Xannie. She was running through a field of flowers; the day they’d met. Christian remembered why Xannie had intrigued him so much upon their first meeting. Xannie had challenged him in a way he’d never been challenged before, and that challenge, the need to rise up to meet it, became almost like a drug to him. At the time he’d been a freshman in college, attending the local university. He had been confident, perhaps overly so and felt as if he had the world in his palm. And then she’d shown up. She’d been a junior in high school, bold and confident. Xannie had shot his flamboyant ego down, and she’d brought him back to earth. At the time, he was sure she hated him. And he thought he hated her. But in reality, she’d been freedom in a new form. And this freedom was more beautiful than anything that Christian had ever believed was in existence.
The man’s lips turned upwards in a smile, and he recalled the second time he’d met her. She’d matured, become more resigned. And he found himself discussing silly things with her, things such as jelly bean flavors and bands he had no clue existed. He was the naïve prince and she was the crazy maid who changed his life, the knight in shining armor whilst he’d been the dame in distress. Christian smirked, it seemed the comparison was perfect, just as ironic as everything they did together. Just as unique, and wonderful as she’d always been to him.
He sighed, and a new memory flooded his mind. He remembered, a time almost exactly like this, when he lay upon his bed, arms spread wide. It was the first time he’d really acknowledged that he truly did love her. He remembered the light and fuzzy feeling that tingled through his body whenever he thought about her. Those were the days, back when they would go on walks in the ark, back when they’d go to concerts and travel. Christian turned his head, his eyes wandering over to cardboard boxes that had been neatly stacked in a corner. Each of them was labeled as well; Kitchen, Bedroom, Bathroom, and so on. He looked away, back to the ceiling. It seemed, that these past few days, whenever Christian thought about Xannie, the only feeling he felt, was an unfathomable sorrow.
He’d known for weeks that it would come to this, that he’d have to end it, that no matter what happened it would always have ended. He knew that. Christian’s family in London didn’t ever approve of the modern, rebellious, American girl. He’d known that from the start. However, he didn't expect them to be granted the pleasure of being proven right. Him? A father? No, too soon for that to be possible. It seemed, in a way, that the opportunity for him to leave was perfect. The timing was so right... But he couldn't find it within himself to go gracefully. Christian was such a selfish character! He loved Xannie more than anyone else in the world. However, it was the child growing inside of her, his child, that he couldn't cope with. Abortion? That was possible, but what abortion doctor was there in the town they lived in? On top of that, Xannie, being who she was, refused it. She wouldn't see a perfectly healthy life go to waste, even if it brought her pain. Even if it brought Christian pain. When his family spoke up about medical school, Christian had ignored them. Now, though, now they needed him more than ever. Christian, then, also fond that he needed them. He needed them because now they wanted him in London. Now he could blame them for taking everything away from him. Now he had a reason to escape the mess he'd made.He didn't want to leave, but Christian didn't see any other choice.
He had packed up all his things, before he’d ever told Xannie what he needed to do. Perhaps it had been unfair of him, keeping a secret from her like that, but Christian had wanted to preserve the peace. Christian had wanted to preserve the feeling of perfection, the feeling of blissful happiness, even just for one more day. He wanted Xannie to continue thinking that he'd always be there until the very end. He wanted to make it short and sweet, and then gracefully make his departure. Reality seemed to have another plan in mind. It seemed with each item that Christian packed, the heavier his heart felt. In the end, he needed to feel as if every lie he told, every secret he kept, was to keep Xannie happy. Christian had begun depending on that that feeling to pack anything at all. Chrisitan told himself that if he could keep his leaving secret, like his moving, from Xannie, then she didn’t deserve him. But in truth, it was maintaining the blissfulness, that had given him a reason to continue.
The truck would be arriving soon, and Christian would have to say goodbye to this place he’d called home for so many years. Was it really worth giving up everything? Was going home, going to medical school, and fulfilling his family’s dreams for him, just to run away from the future, really worth giving up the life he'd come to love? Was it really worth giving up Xannie? Hadn't he already been dreaming of taking her back to London? Christian supposed it didn’t really matter anymore. He didn’t have a choice, and it was too late to turn back now. The blond haired man, got up, grim faced, and stripped his bed, stuffing the sheets, and the comforter into a clear plastic sheet-case. The pillows he did something similar with. Soon, all that was left was the frame, and the room looked the same as when he’d first arrived, rain and all. The sound of a truck pulling up to the curb downstairs, followed by a deep sound of a horn, told Christian that it was time to go,goodbye, Xannie.
Three days later, Christian was in London unpacking the few suitcases that he’d brought with him. He’d reserved a small apartment for himself. All in all, it was an upgrade from the last apartment he’d had. However, it’s white walls and carpeting made it seem foreign. He never thought that he would be returning to London alone. He really didn’t. He’d always dreamed that he’d bring Xannie back and prove his family wrong. But no, she’d needed to stay where she was, finish college, grow up, and have a family... a family that didn't include Christian, no matter how painful it was. He didn't want to grow up, he didn't want to take on the responsibilities that came with his actions. Not yet, nor ever. Despite that, though, Christian was still saddened; he had to focus on other things, things such as the next school semester, things such as his family’s dwindling finances. A baby wouldn't help them. Christian found himself naming all the reasons why a baby wouldn't have been a good thing.
For the past few nights, that's all he seemed to do. Christian was obsessed with finding new reasons to prove himself right. He had to be right, he needed to be right, and he'd do anything to make himself right. He couldn't afford a baby, and Xannie wasn't his wife so therefore he had no ties to her. Except the promises he'd made. Except the lie's he'd d told. Except the baby. No, the baby wasn't his mistake. The condom had broke, that wasn't a problem that he'd inflicted on himself. She'd not been using the pill, therefore it was clearly her fault... Christian paused, catching himself mid thought. What he was doing wasn't healthy, and he knew it.
Christian had the radio station of his old home going. He’d wanted to hear how the weather was like, for no reason really other than curiosity, he told himself. It was sunny, a nice change, though still unreasonably cold. Christian smirked and took a sip out of a beer bottle. He always drank beer when he was working on something, either it be unpacking, or building a bed-side table, as long as it was physical work that made him sweat. There was just something about a beer that made it all bearable. But this week the beer had no taste, and Christian found himself simply drinking it out of habit. He finished the bottle off, throwing it into the recycling bin and opening another before going back to work.
Out came the linens, the sheets, and the pillows that Christian had packed just before leaving for London. Within a few hours, Christian had also unpacked mot of his clothes, setting them in the shelves in his new closet; his dresser had not arrived just yet. Christian paused, and took another sip of his beer, swishing the liquid around the inside of his mouth before swallowing it, letting the bubbles refresh his gums and teeth when suddenly a woman’s voice came through the radio. Her voice was nasal, and Christian remembered making fun of her voice with Xannie when they were working on a presentation for one of her teachers. “At 8:15 this morning, a black, 1988, Volvo 760 was discovered at the bottom of the crevasse by the snake river. Officials think that the car slid on black ice, and was flung over the edge of the temporary bridge that crosses over the crevasse. The original bridge is still under construction. The driver has been identified as 20 year old Alexandria Borealis, she was found dead in the car this morning. ..” Christian turned off the sound on his computer, and drained the contents of his beer. He didn’t want to hear the rest.
