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Noodle Ton

Timid Gawker

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:35 am


Remembering . . .
By: Keela
January 14th, 2009


Prologue - It started out as what I call, The Perfect Saturday Morning. My mom was cooking breakfast with eggs, bacon, cheese omelets, sausage, biscuits, and waffles. Cereal filled bowls were set on the table. I sat at my favorite spot, mouth watering at the delicious smells in the room. My brother, Caden, was upstairs still sleeping. We usually have breakfast at nine-forty-five, and Cade’s always the last to join the table.
“Katie honey, can you go wake your brother up for me?” mom asked. Annoyed, I silently mimicked her words but obeyed. Since childhood, I sort of inherited the duty of being the one to wake up my brother so I answered, “Sure, why not.”
I got off my seat and casually glanced through the window. I noticed my Dad making his way toward the front entrance. I smiled excited to see him back from work. We’ve always had a very special relationship. I was Daddy’s little girl and he was my buddy, my best friend. I lingered around the kitchen.
“Katie, hurry please,” mom urged while scraping the eggs out of the pan.
I hurried up the stairs, running as hard as I could to get to Caden’s room.
“Caden?” I screamed, but no answer.
“Caden!” I repeated, banging and kicking the door.
“What?” He yelled opening the door with one hand gripping the side of his head.
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Caden frowned.
“It’s mom!” I sobbed, and hugged him tight.
“What about her?” He hugged me back, concerned.
“She… She’s...” I sobbed some more.
“She’s what, Katie?” Caden urged firm but gentle. I took a deep breath and looked in his eyes.
“She’s making breakfast and wants you down there, now.” His hug loosened and fell.
I flashed a candid smile and laughed.
“Ha-ha.” Caden’s face showed a mixture of anger, frustration and exhaustion. He rubbed his eyes.
“That was completely uncalled for, besides I’m not hungry. So… yeah, Bye.” and he slammed the door shut. With a sigh, I turned away back down the stairs. I’ve always loved tricking my brother but his sense of humor is not quite what it should be, in my opinion.
As I reached the kitchen’s doorway, I heard my dad whispering to my mom. I expected them to be in an embrace, exchanging affection and sweet kisses. In past, my brother and I used to make gagging noises whenever they did but we’ve grown up so I decided to peak instead. To my shock, they weren’t in an embrace at all. My dad had my mom in a choke hold. His big hands had my mom’s tiny neck swallowed up.
“You don’t know what you’re thinking,” My dad whispered harshly in her ear.
“You can’t risk them. Don’t do this.”
“I have to.” She managed to say, coughing as the hold tightened around her neck.
“I’m not scared.”
“Well, you should be.” My dad took my mom’s arm and swung her around until her face met the wall. She whimpered, and a dimple formed in her cheek as she bit into it. I guessed she was trying not to cry. He then suddenly let her go and she slipped to the ground and hugged the wall, as if to seek protection.
Her eyes met mine and lingered for a heart beat. I had forgotten I was standing there, watching.
Breaking from my trance, I rushed down the hall, my vision blurred with tears, going straight for the wired home phone.
“Come on, come on.” I encouraged myself trying to focus on getting help. I was scared, and horrified that my dad would do such a thing. “Nine, one, one.” I whispered as I dialed the numbers. My mom’s pitching screams came from the kitchen. I froze.
“Hello?” A man asked. “Hello? Do you need help? Anybody there?” he insisted. I could not talk, my jaw was clenched and my voice deserted me. I shut my eyes closed, bit my tongue and tried to calm down so I could get some answer out the operator.
“Help me,” I managed to squeeze out of my throat, sniffing. Tears came back hot and fast.
“Ma’am? What’s going on?” He inquired genuinely worried.
“My… my Dad… he is hurting mom. Please help.” I sobbed.
“Stay on the line; we’re tracking your location. Help is on the way.”
“Please hurry, please” The little bravery I had, was slowly giving ground to fear. I’d never felt it like this. “Hurry,” was the last thing I managed to say before I was yanked by my hair and dragged into the kitchen.
“Who were you talking to?” my dad yelled at me.
“N-n-no one,” I stammered.
“Tell. Me.” He ordered, his face red with fury, millimeters from mine and breathing heavily.
“Was it the police?”
I shook my head, denying. The slap came hard and fast sending my back into the counter.
“Dad,” I pleaded, touching my face. I flinched when it stung.
He grabbed my wrist and dragged me to the other side of the kitchen. He made me sit down on a chair and crouched in front of me.
“Katie, tell me now, honey.” He asked softly. His sudden change of tone was disorienting but the body of my mom not far away kept me focused.
“B-but I did.” I answered.
“No, you didn’t.” he shouted, losing his temper once more. He whirled around and went straight for the cabinets. I tried to get away; he caught up with me and landed a fist on my face. I cried out in pain and looked to my mom for help. She just sat there, shaking like a leaf.
“Mom?” I pleaded.
“Shut up!” my dad shouted, pulling out a cheese grater.
“Now, tell me.”
“Dad I promise you, I did. I wasn’t talking to the police.”
“Liar!” He took my wrist again and ran the cheese grater down it. The spikes of the grater scrapped off skin. I screamed as loud as I could, hopping someone would hear. Then I remembered my brother, still in his bedroom and gathered what was left of my strength, and then yelled, “Caden”. A strong slap landed on my face.
“I’m not falling for it, Katie,” Caden yelled back from his room.
“No!” I shouted. “Caden, Caden help me! Please!” My throat was sore. My dad sighed, turning me around and lifting up my shirt. My cry was a loud, ear-piercing, girly shrill when my dad sliced the grater harshly down and across my back, over and over.
“Stop it!” My mom screamed as she charged at my dad. He effortlessly knocked her back with his foot. With an unwavering strength and determination, she got right back up and charged again, getting the same blow every time. Annoyed, my Dad let me go temporarily to knock her out. I crumpled to the floor while my mom got her turn.
My back, bled. It hurt much more than the time I got knocked in the temple by a sixth grader when I was only in first grade. I couldn’t move and did I want to.
“Katie, what in the world is going on with you?” Caden yelled from the top of the stairs. Dad stopped when he heard Caden. He looked undecided, even sad, but it did not last. Receiving no answer, Caden then came down and froze in shock as he spotted me. He was too slow to react and did not see our Dad until it was too late. Dad ran up to Caden and slammed him into the nearest wall, leaving him unconscious on the floor.
“Dad no!” I begged and forced myself to sit up, ignoring the pain that raced through my body. My mom was not moving, I was alone and yet again the center of my Dad’s focus. He came up to me like a predator ready to close in on his prey.
“Night, Katie.” He murmured as he wrapped his fingers around my neck. My surrounding got foggy and far in the distance I heard sirens. My Dad’s grip tightened but I didn’t care any longer. Help was on the way.
“This isn’t over.” He muttered angrily.
“I didn’t think so.” I thought.
“I hate you.” I heard him spit at me right before I blacked out. The nightmare was only beginning.
x



©

If you want anything changed, like how it's set up, just tell me and I'll change it.

Thanks to everyone that helped :] I'm happy for that.

PostPosted: Thu Sep 24, 2009 3:36 am


I'll post more if I get some replies on it.

Noodle Ton

Timid Gawker


Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 6:47 am


Please, if it's quite all right, double-space your line breaks and don't center-align. I'm considering posting a rules sticky in this forum simply because nobody seems to realize that textwalls and funky formatting make proofreading difficult.

I promise I'll read and critique if you'll just make these changes for me.
PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 12:26 pm


Yeah, what Rae said. Generally my inner decisive processes for critiquing goes like so:

Is the font readable?
Is it a wall of text?
Is it centered or right-aligned instead of set normally?
Am I feeling way too lazy and would rather ding 62 in WoW watch Clone Wars play with my action figures uhh, do something productive?
Is there a character with cat ears?

If "yes" is answered to any of the above, then talk2hand

erikakaiser
Vice Captain

Dapper Inquisitor


Noodle Ton

Timid Gawker

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 2:13 pm


Raincrow
Please, if it's quite all right, double-space your line breaks and don't center-align. I'm considering posting a rules sticky in this forum simply because nobody seems to realize that textwalls and funky formatting make proofreading difficult.

I promise I'll read and critique if you'll just make these changes for me.


Is that right? Is this ok?
PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 8:16 pm


iKilledzYerNoodlez
Is that right? Is this ok?

By "line breaks," I generally mean "new paragraphs." So if you would normally hit "enter" once, then indent and keep writing, hit "enter" twice. This includes dialogue.

I know I sound like a persnickety b***h, but it makes everything much, much easier on the eyes.

Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
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  • Healer 50
  • Pie For All! 300

erikakaiser
Vice Captain

Dapper Inquisitor

PostPosted: Fri Sep 25, 2009 9:43 pm


Raincrow
iKilledzYerNoodlez
Is that right? Is this ok?

By "line breaks," I generally mean "new paragraphs." So if you would normally hit "enter" once, then indent and keep writing, hit "enter" twice. This includes dialogue.

That seems a tad excessive!
PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:39 am


erikakaiser
Raincrow
iKilledzYerNoodlez
Is that right? Is this ok?

By "line breaks," I generally mean "new paragraphs." So if you would normally hit "enter" once, then indent and keep writing, hit "enter" twice. This includes dialogue.

That seems a tad excessive!

Not to me.

Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
  • Survivor 150
  • Healer 50
  • Pie For All! 300

erikakaiser
Vice Captain

Dapper Inquisitor

PostPosted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 7:59 pm


Raincrow
erikakaiser
Raincrow
iKilledzYerNoodlez
Is that right? Is this ok?

By "line breaks," I generally mean "new paragraphs." So if you would normally hit "enter" once, then indent and keep writing, hit "enter" twice. This includes dialogue.

That seems a tad excessive!

Not to me.

I think it's a bit much to ask, though, even if it doesn't suit your tastes.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:09 pm


But when you're reading something on the internets, it makes it MUCH easier to read, which means that we're more likely to actually read it and leave comments.

Speaking of which, the story feels a little flat right now. 3nodding But I think it has some potential, so why not take a break if you're pretty much done with it for a month or so, read some good stories, see some shows you like, and play a few video games? You can come back to it after, and you'll be able to rewrite it more effectively too. Please feel free to post the rewrite. I don't really feel like posting an in-depth review, because I need to take over the galaxy write the last part of my current chapter.

Charlie_The_Bad


Gnostic Intolerant

PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 7:47 pm


don't be so picky people.
the story is amazing and you might have something.
you gave me an idea, but since technically you came up with it. the dad is in somekind of drug cartel.
the dad wants to hunt the family down, and he does.
the story ends with the daughter having to shoot the father.
the story takes place over many years.
it would be great.
but its your story.
dammit, i could've had a lot of fun too.
oh well, anyway its amazing.
PostPosted: Sun Sep 27, 2009 11:59 pm


As a forewarning, I'm giving this a righteous pick-apart. The post is massive, because I nitpick. This is in no way an attack on you, and would actually look a lot less severe if I was just marking up a manuscript.

Quote:
It started out as what I call, The perfect Saturday Morning.

Seeing as how you've capitalized "morning," I'm going to assume you mean the part in italics to be a title, in which case you need to capitalize "perfect."

Quote:
My mom was cooking eggs and bacon and other tasteful things.

Vague. I would recommend either omitting "other tasteful things," or explaining what those things were. French toast? Cinnamon rolls? If they're that tasty, they deserve description.

Also, "tasteful" might not be the best form of the word to use in this case. I would recommend "tasty" or "delicious," if you choose to keep the phrase.

Quote:
I sat at the table, my mouth watered at the delicious smells that filled the room.

Should be either "I sat at the table, my mouth watering..." or "As I sat at the table, my mouth watered..."

Quote:
My brother, Caden, was up stairs sleeping. Normally we have breakfast at nine-forty-five, and as usually Cade’s the last member at the table.

"Upstairs," not "up stairs."

I'm not sure of the exact way to type out times, but I'm inclined to believe it would be "nine forty-five." Note the lack of the first hyphen.

"and as usually" is a bit unwieldy and doesn't make a lot of sense grammatically. You might want to rephrase it as "since Cade's usually the last memeber at the table."

Quote:
“Katie honey, can you go wake your brother up for me?” My mom asks me, I silently mimicked her words.

You change tense between "asks" and "mimicked." Since everything so far has been in the past tense, "asks" should be "asked."

Also, the comma between "me" and "I" should be a period.

Quote:
Ever since I learned to walk, talk, and make my way up and down the stairs it had sort of been my duty to wake up my lazy brother.

Vague. Was it or wasn't it? This could just be me being picky, but I'd like a little more decisiveness.

Quote:
When I stood up to leave my seat, out of our window I could see dad making his way home.

This sentence feels like it ought to be split into two. "When I stood up to leave my seat, I happened to glance out the window. From there, I could see Dad making his way home." Or something along those lines.

Also, "dad" needs to be capitalized, unless it's preceded by "my."

Quote:
This had brought a smile to my face.

No need for "had." Your story is in the past tense, not past perfect. (The difference between past and past perfect is the difference between "the dog ate" and "the dog has eaten.")

Quote:
Since the day I was born I always had been a Daddy’s Girl, so seeing him coming home from his job excited me.

This would be fine, normally, but since it occurs so close to "Ever since I learned to walk," it becomes repetitive. It also isn't necessary, since "always" already suggests that she has been that way ever since she was born. "I had always been a Daddy's Girl" doesn't need the preceding phrase in order to get the point across.

Quote:
Hurriedly, I made my way up the stairs. Running as hard as I could to get to Cadens room ASAP.

This should be all one sentence. "...I made my way up the stairs, running as hard as I could..."

"Caden's" needs an apostrophe.

Quote:
“Caden?” I screamed his name. “Caden!” I had repeated, only banging and kicking the door.

This word doesn't need to be here.

Quote:
“What?” He opened it, one hand gripped the slid of his head.

"gripping the side of his head."

Quote:
“What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” Cadens face was tensed.

Again, "Caden's" needs the apostrophe.

Quote:
“It’s mom!” I sobbed, hugging him tight.

Tightly.

Quote:
“What about her?” He hugged me back, panic sized in his throat.

Seized.

Quote:
“She- She’s.” I sobbed some more.
“She’s what, Katie?” Caden smoothed my hair.
“She’s making breakfast and wants you down there, now.”

This is cute.

Quote:
“Ha-ha.” Cadens face falls tired again.

You change tense here again. It should be "fell," not "falls." And actually, I'd recommend a different word all together. "Caden's face took on its tired expression from earlier."

And "Caden's" still needs the apostrophe.

Quote:
He had always pulled my mom into an embrace when he returned from work, followed by a sweet kiss.

"Had" isn't needed here, either. Past, not past perfect.

Quote:
I peeked my head over the corner.

Generally speaking, people peek around corners, not over them.

Quote:
To my shock they weren’t in an embrace at all.

Comma after shock.

Quote:
His huge muscles had had my moms tiny neck swallowed up.

"Mom's" needs an apostrophe.

Quote:
“You don’t know what you thinking.My dad whispered in my moms ear.

"You're," not "you."

Comma, not period, at the end of dialogue sentences continued by a dialogue tag.

The first word of a dialogue tag, unless it's a name, is never capitalized.

"You don't know what you're thinking," my dad whispered in my mom's ear.

Quote:
“Well you should be.”

Comma after "well."

Quote:
My dad took my moms arm, swung her around, faster and faster. When he let go she flew over the dinning table and crashed into the wall.

This action seems a bit unrealistic. Firstly, it would take quite a bit of room to be able to do that to someone within the confines of the average dining room. Also, the amount of time it would take to execute such a move makes it only really appropriate for professional wrestling, which is expected to be overdramatic and unrealistic.

It's quite possible for a person to simply push someone into a table hard enough that they slide over the top and land on the other side. Considering your past mention of the father's massive muscles, I wouldn't put it past him. It would be even easier for the mother to slide across the table if there was a tablecloth, and it would be especially painful if the table was set (as I assume it was, for breakfast) and she wound up landing on a couple forks or a hot skillet of bacon and eggs.

Quote:
She whimpered, forcing herself not to cry.

As your narration seems to be first-person limited, I would omit this detail. Since your narrator can't read minds, she wouldn't know for sure that her mother is forcing herself not to cry. She would only know that she whimpered, and could assume she was forcing herself not to cry. I recommend either omitting the bolded part, or qualifying it by mentioning that this is what the narrator assumes is her mother's intention.

Quote:
At first, when she had looked my way, I thought she was just making sure no one was coming. But then I had forgot I was even standing there in plain sight, watching.

Another issue with past/past perfect tense here. The first "had" needs to be omitted. "But then I had forgot" should be "But I had forgotten." I would also omit the "even," as it adds unnecessary emphasis to "standing there in plain sight," where "in plain sight" is already emphasizing "standing there."

Quote:
I had tired to tell my fingers to relax, but they just wouldn’t. I had been scared.

"Tried," not "tired."
Again with the past/past perfect. Omit the first "had," and turn "had been" into "was." I was scared.

Quote:
If he hit her once, he’ll do it again.

"He'd," not "he'll."

Also, why does the main character think this? If she loves her father as much as is suggested by her being a "daddy's girl" and getting excited about him coming home, I should think she would be more willing to forgive him this one little slip-up and believe he'll never do it again. After all, she believes he loves her and the rest of the family, and would be more likely to try and explain away his behavior than condemn it.

Quote:
“Hello?” A man had said as soon as my moms scream silenced me.

Omit "had."

"Mom's" needs the apostrophe. All possessive nouns need an apostrophe, otherwise they're plural.

Quote:
I jammed my eyes closed and tried to breath right to get out an answer out to the policeman.

"Breathe" not "breath."

The two "out"s are redundant. I would omit the second "out," along with "to," and make it "...to get out an answer for the policeman."

Quote:
“Help me.” I breath, sniffing.

Comma after "me."
"Breathed," not "breath."

Quote:
The tears are back, that time they were real.

Tense change. "Are" should be "were."

Also, there should be an "and" after the comma, and "that," should be "this." "The tears were back, and this time they were real."

Quote:
“Ma’am?” He had said, over and over. Never once did I answer. Fear over-powered me. I’d never felt it like this. “We’re tracking your location. Sit tight, we’ll be there shortly.”

A 911 receptionist wouldn't just repeat "ma'am?" over and over. He would ask her to tell him her location, explain her situation, and encourage her to stay on the phone. It's a good thing she's using a corded phone, too, because the police have a hard time tracking cell phones.

"Overpowered," not "over-powered."

Quote:
“Hurry.” Was the last thing I got to say before I was yanked by my hair and dragged into the kitchen.

Comma after "hurry," don't capitalize "was."

Quote:
“Who were you talking to?” My dad yelled at me.

No capitalization needed on "my."

Quote:
“N-n-no one.” I stammered.

Comma after "one."

Quote:
“Tell. Me.” He had got in my face, breathing heavy, face red. “Was it the police?” I shook my head no. His hand flew up and slapped my face, sending my back to the counter.

"Heavily."

"...sending my back into the counter." Or better yet, "causing my back to connect painfully with the edge of the counter."

Quote:
“Dad.” I wailed, touching the burning part of my face. And flinched when it stung.

Comma after "dad." Change "and" to "I."

Quote:
He grabs my wrist and takes me to the other side of the kitchen.
“Katie, tell me now honey.” How he had managed to gain the softness to his voice I had no idea.

You've changed to present tense again. "Grabs" should be "grabbed," "takes" should be "took."

Comma after "now," comma after "voice."

Quote:
No you didn’t.” He scolded me, lets got of me, and digs around in the cabinets.

Comma after "no," don't capitalize "he."

Another tense change to present. "Lets" should be "let," "digs" should be "dug." Also, you misspelled "go" as "got."

This sentence seems like it should be two. Try something like, "No, you didn't," he scolded. Then he let go of my wrist and dug around in the cabinets.

Quote:
When I tried to move away I earned a punch in the face.

Comma after "away."

Quote:
“Mom?” I say.
“Shut up!” My dad screams, pulling out a cheese grater. “Now, tell me.”
“Dad I promise you, I did. I wasn’t talking to the police.”

No capitalization on "my."

Tense change again. "Say" should be "said," "screams" should be "screamed."

Quote:
“Lair!” He took my wrist again and ran the cheese grater. Even though the blades were dull it still left marks and made me sob.

"Ran the cheese grater"? Unless this is some kind of an electric cheese grater, you can't run it without running it against something. Try, "...and ran the cheese grater over my arm."

Also, I wouldn't call what cheese graters have "blades." They're more like small spikes or spines. And no matter how sharp or dull they are, they'll still leave marks. Particularly since there's no way I can think of to actually sharpen a cheese grater, I'd rephrase "even though the blades were dull." Perhaps The spines on the side left red, stinging marks which made me sob.

Quote:
Preparing my lungs I sucked in a deep breath. Then yelled, “Caden!” I held my vowels as long as I could until the next set of blades ran across my skin.

Comma after "lungs."

The period at the end of the first sentence should be a comma, and the capitalization removed from "then."

Again, since cheese graters don't really have blades, wouldn't it be more like, "until he pulled the grater across my arm again"?

Quote:
“I’m not falling for it, Katie.” I heard Caden call back, his door closed.

Comma after "Katie."

Quote:
My dad sighs, turning me around and lifting up my shirt. My cry was a loud ear piercing girly shrill when my dad sliced the grater harshly down and across my back. Over and over.

You're in the present tense again. "Sighs" should be "sighed."

Comma after "loud," hyphenate "ear-piercing," comma after "piercing."

Quote:
I had crumpled to the floor while my mom got her turn.

Omit "had."

Quote:
My back, it bled. A lot. It hurt. A lot. I couldn’t move. Either did I want to.

The melodramatic tone of this passage actually detracts from the dramatic effect. I'm not sure exactly how to fix it, except I'd describe the bleeding and the pain in more descriptive terms, and omit the repetition of "a lot."

"Neither," not "either." ("Either" denotes a choice between two things ("You can have either this or that.") while "neither" denotes the a negative choice where you don't want one or the other ("I want neither this nor that."). )

Quote:
“Katie, what’d you do?” Caden was coming around the corner when he froze. My dad immediately had pain run across his face. But it didn’t stay long, he ran for Caden.

"had pain across his face" is extremely vague. Even a change like, "a look of pain crossed his face" would be an improvement.

I would put a period after "long," and capitalize "he," making it two sentences.

Quote:
“Dad no!” I sat up, ignored my back when it disagreed, and watched as Caden was knocked into the wall and fell unconscious. I looked at my mom, she was knocked out, too. I was alone.

"I sat up, ignoring my back when it disagreed..."

"I looked at my mom, who was knocked out, too."

Quote:
“Night, Katie.” My dad had came back to me and wrapped his fingers around my neck.

Omit "had."

Quote:
(Not that I cared).

Unnecessary. I would omit.

Quote:
“This isn’t over.” He whispered to me.
“I didn’t think so.” I said back.
“I hate you.” He spits.
Like wise.” Was I said when had I passed out. The nightmare only beginning.

Comma after "over," don't capitalize "he."

Comma after "so."

"Likewise" is all one word.

Comma after "likewise," don't capitalize "was." I assume you meant "all" to come after "was," but forgot it.

Omit "had."

---

Okay, quick lesson about past versus past perfect tense. Past tense is the tense that is normally used in narration. "I was tired. I took a nap. When I woke up again, I ate breakfast." Past perfect, on the other hand, is the tense a person uses when they're actively describing past events (such as if a character within a story is talking about something that has already happened). "I had been tired." "I had taken a nap." "I had eaten breakfast."

The two are not interchangeable. Past tense denotes something that, while in the past, has not been completed. Past perfect denotes something that is far enough in the past that it has already been completed. As I said before, the difference between "the dog ate" and "the dog had eaten."

A rule of thumb (which does not cover all cases but should hopefully help you," is that verbs in the past tense do not have "had" before them. For instance, "took" is the past form of "take," while "had taken" is the past perfect form.

In general, most of your mistakes are pretty basic. I would recommend finding a grammar textbook and brushing up on dialogue punctuation, or having a teacher refresh you on the basics. You're going to have to pay more attention to tense--you jumped around from past to past perfect to present tense a lot. Also, apostrophes are used to denote possession in words like "Caden's" and "mom's." If the apostrophe isn't there, it becomes plural, and I'm pretty sure your narrator has only one mother.

For the piece as a whole, I don't think it would stand alone as a short story, since there is no explanation as to why the main character's hitherto loving father has suddenly turned into a sadistic, cooking implement-wielding b*****d. As such, I'd encourage you to keep writing, and develop the explanation behind why he suddenly decided to incite a cheese grater massacre on his family. Is he an alcoholic? Does he have multiple personality disorder? At this rate I'm convinced it would have to be something dramatic, because people with no history of domestic abuse rarely just turn into rabid monsters without some kind of strong outside influence (methamphetamine and other mind-altering drugs come to mind).

I'd also suggest you research the psychological causes and effects of domestic abuse for this story, particularly the warning signs that a person might be abusive, as well as the "cycle" of abuse (which involves a downward swing in the abuser's mood, the actual abuse, the abuser apologizing and swearing he'll never do it again, and then a brief "honeymoon" period in which everything is nice and happy before the cycle starts again). Do this, and your story has a chance to be very strong and believable.

I hope that wasn't too harsh.

Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
  • Survivor 150
  • Healer 50
  • Pie For All! 300

Noodle Ton

Timid Gawker

PostPosted: Tue Sep 29, 2009 5:28 pm


:O Thank you everyone for helping me out. It seriously does help! I will read more. I'm taking a break from my story now so there's room for video games too. ([Z3LDA!]) >w< And Raincrow I'll have to get to your help later, my mom keeps coming in my room and I hate it when she sees me typing. She'll always try to look and I like my writing to myself. But anywhoo, thanks everyone!
PostPosted: Thu Oct 01, 2009 5:50 pm


;P~ d0n3!

Noodle Ton

Timid Gawker


Charlie_The_Bad

PostPosted: Fri Oct 02, 2009 9:00 pm


And this is why we love our Mistress Raincrow for she is full of awesomeness and insight and win. heart
Reply
Story Sharing, Critique, Etc.

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