A Life Left Unlived

[Lyember]

Intro
This is the story of a young wolf. It is a true story, written from her own view. There are a few parts that will be skipped only because they are not known to me at this time. Some parts are a bit violent. I will let you as the reader decide whether or not it is appropriate to read.

 

[Lyember]

My name is Saaria. I have a sister named Sindia and I live with her and my parents. My fur is silver and I have blue eyes. Sindia looks a lot like me, but her fur is a darker color. My mother has gray fur and my father's fur is so dark that it is almost black. We are very happy together.

On this morning, Sindia and I our running through the woods, enjoying the cool weather. A storm is coming and a cool breeze is blowing. Sindia is laughing out of pure freedom. It starts to rain, lightly at first, then more steadily. Now we're both laughing. Soon the rain becomes heavier, and we have to take shelter in the cave that we found when we were young pups.

Safely inside our haven, we watch the rain falling down. Everything is calm and peaceful. Neither of us says anything, just relaxing in the fact that we are together and the world couldn't be more perfect.

A few hours later, we set out at a trot, being careful not to slide on the wet ground. We decide to follow the river back to our nests where our parents are waiting. There are various stones scattered throughout the water that Sindia likes to use. She's an excellent swimmer, so normally I wouldn't worry about her leaping from one rock to the next. But today the river is swollen from all the rain.

"Be careful!" I call to her from a safe distance away from the water. I can't swim as good as she can.

"I'm perfectly fine!" She calls back, leaping to another rock.

She yelps in surprise as her paws slide from beneath her and she plunges into the river.

"Sindia!" I call, rushing to the river's edge. I can't see her in the murky water.

Her head surfaces for a few seconds and then disappears again. I call her name once more, but she never resurfaces. I wait for her to come back up again, but she doesn't.

I don't know how long I sit on the riverbank, waiting, but it seemed like forever. That was the last time I saw her. My sister who I loved and trusted more than anyone else, even my own parents. At some point I threw my head back and began to howl my pain to the world. I howled until I was overtaken by grief completely.

And then I ran.  

[Lyember]

For three days I ran on the open moor. I didn't stop to eat or find water. I just kept running. I didn't sleep or think. I just felt the agony of losing the one thing that meant more to me than life itself.

On the third day, I finally stopped running. I was exhausted, famished, and dehydrated. Reason started to return to me, and I knew that I had to find food, water, and rest. So I trudged off towards the nearest forest on shaky legs in hopes to find easy prey and, hopefully, a stream that I could drink from.

Where I ended up was the Dark Forest, a pine forest known for its everlasting shadows. I didn't know it at the time since I had never been outside of my home woodland, but the Dark Forest was avoided by many creatures, save for the fierce, wicked, and ruthless.

It was there that I had my first and only run-in with the Shadow Wolves. They were a pack of black wolves with fiery yellow eyes, prepared to attack and kill all trespassers that their alpha deemed as a threat.

Having not had enough energy to hunt, I found a nice spot to sleep at the base of a tall pine. I awoke to growling, only to find those fearsome, fiendish eyes glaring at me. I immediately assumed a defensive crouch with my back to the tree trunk. There were five in front of me, blocking a way of escape, four, maybe five or six behind them pacing anxiously, and the alpha standing off to the side with two smaller wolves. The nearest five were growling their displeasure at my presence, teeth bared. The first thing I thought was, I'm going to die. The fear was so bad that I think I was actually shaking.

But then instinct kicked in and, with a sense of self-preservation that I didn't know I had, I bunched up my muscles in my hind legs and leaped over the immediate five that had me caged in. I landed with a heavy thud, not being used to leaping such a great distance and height in such a little space. The wolves that had been pacing surrounded me before I had time to make another move, and suddenly it was as if something had overcome me. I bared my own fangs letting a growl escape from between my lips. My fur stood on end and my hackles rose. The others didn't back off, but I could see it in their eyes that they realized that I was desperate. Everyone of them knew that a desperate wolf was a dangerous one since they usually had nothing to lose.

I snapped at the ones that got too close, and they had to flinch to avoid my teeth. Then the alpha stepped up and the group parted to allow him through. He looked like the others, but his eyes didn't show the coldblooded hunger that the others did.

"Leave now and you'll be spared." He said evenly, his voice and eyes not betraying any emotion.

I looked him squarely in the eye and bowed my head ever so slightly, so that you would only notice if you were paying attention. By doing so, I was showing that I consented and was still keeping my dignity. He nodded back, a little steeper than need be, and moved aside to let me leave. I moved cautiously forward, testing to see if the rest of the pack would make a move. When they didn't, I lunged forward and pelted across the needle laden ground to the edge of the forest. As I did so, I caught the alpha's gaze and almost faltered. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul, and when I looked into them, I saw that he had wanted to make me his mate. But in order to keep the trust of his pack the best he could do was let me go.

I made it out of the forest with the pack at my heels. As I climbed the crest of a hill, I heard them howling in triumph from the treeline. I didn't stop when I reached the top of the hill, but I could feel the alpha's gaze on my back as I ran out of sight.  

[Lyember]

After that encounter, I began to realize that I wouldn't be able to stay in one place for long. Many wolves live in packs and most packs are territorial. There are a few that are nomadic, but rarely does one run into them. So I was left with two options: 1) go home and tell my parents what happened, or 2) become a nomad myself and learn to live on my own. As far as I was concerned, the first option didn't even exist. Thus began my fall from grace.

I'm not sure exactly how or when I ended up where I did, but somehow I went from being desperate to fighting for sport. This is something that I greatly advise against to any who may be considering such a thing.

In the Lupine world, there are things called Fight Circles. These consist of a circle of wolves and two or more competing to the death. The spectators make bets on who will win. There are no rules to the fighting, as long as the competitors don't get the spectators involved.

My first time in a Fight Circle, I was still quite young. It was barely a month since I had left my home and family. I had always thought of myself as large for my age, though when I saw the wolves that I would be fighting, I suddenly felt way too small.

Most of the wolves present had battle scars and looked deadly. A few had more recent injuries, but they didn't look any less likely to kill. The fight hadn't started yet since there was only one competitor so far.

To this day I don't know what possessed me to step up as the challenger. I don't know what possessed me to even approach the group of rowdy outcasts. But there I was, about to fight for my life with a wolf that was much bigger and way more experienced then I was. I didn't stand a chance.

I don't really remember how the fight went, but I do recall the adrenaline rush and the survival instincts. I remember how the battle ended. I was badly beaten and I had clearly lost. But the fight wasn't over until I was dead. Bloody, I was lying on the ground taking what may have been my last breaths, waiting for the killing blow. My vision was slightly fuzzy, but I could see my would-be killer dart in to finish me. I waited for the inevitable snapping of jaws on my throat and... waited and waited. It never came. I heard snarling and arguing and that was it. I passed out from pain and exhaustion.

What had happened was this: a wolf who had apparently been stalking me since I left home (and who also had fallen in love with me) had stopped the attack. He had put himself between me and the jaws of death. Somehow he managed to convince the 'officials' of the challenge to let this slide since clearly the other wolf had won.

I would later come to learn that his name was Avalon. He had saved my life and, while I was unconscious, he had tended to my wounds. He disappeared before I woke back up. But (though I didn't know it then) he was not gone, just in the shadows, so to speak.

That first battle was one of only many to come.  

[Lyember]

To this day I still don't know what made me decide to keep fighting after that first failure. Maybe it was the desperation. Maybe it was the thrill that comes with the danger aspect. Maybe it was the adrenaline. Or maybe I had gone insane and just didn't know it. Whatever the reason was, I found myself searching out more fight circles. I won't tell you about every fight that I was in (I don't even remember all the fights) since most of them ended the same way.

I do remember that not long after my first fight, I knew that I had to be in at least one more fight to redeem myself. Wolves are proud creatures and when they fail, it's considered a disgrace to themselves, if not to the pack.

I won my second fight which I only remember for one reason and one reason only. It was the only time in my life when I ever killed another wolf. I never meant to, even though the rules of the Fight Circle clearly stated that the opponent isn't defeated unless dead. His death was completely an accident.

After that, I never killed another wolf in the Fight Circles or otherwise. Yet somehow I managed to become a champion in the Circles. The other wolves involved never did agree with my method of winning, but eventually they came around. Actually, it got to a point when they had no choice but to see things my way since I'd fight everyone who opposed me... and win.

I went through many fights and earned the respect of current and former champions. I earned my right as a champion myself and I continued my nomadic life.

Everything was going well (or so I thought), but I never saw what was coming.  

[Lyember]

But I'll get to that later. Right now, I'll tell you of my first winter I spent alone. Well, at least I think it was my first winter alone... I don't really remember. Time wasn't all that relevant.

Anyway, I have two stories to tell of Winter. One would affect me at the time, while both have affected me now.

The first is about my second opportunity to have a mate. I was chasing a rabbit (my favorite prey) through some woodland. Everything was covered in white snow, and more continued to fall. It was a very beautiful scene. Picturesque.

As I ran after this rabbit, enjoying the adrenaline of the chase, I was soon joined by another. He had white fur that comes with winter to some species, and he was quite fast. He was also quite thin. Desperation and starvation coated his movements.

We ran side by side, racing after the rabbit. In the winter, you don't give up food to anyone else but family. I caught the crazy glint in his eyes and knew that there was no way he was going to give up easily.

Heart racing, I pushed forward, determination welling up inside of me. At this point it wasn't so much the need to eat as it was pride of winning that drove me on. I was moving in for the kill. I was going to win.

But I didn't.

There was a pop that vibrated throughout my body, starting in my hip bone. I went down in an instant. For some reason my leg had collapsed. Without warning. Without remorse. I watched as my opponent continued his chase. I watched well after I couldn't see him anymore, just laying there in the numbing snow. Finally I attempted to get up, failing many times before I managed to balance myself on three legs. I hobbled for nearly seven miles after laying in the snow for three hours.

I don't recall what happened after that. I know that my collapsed leg went back to functioning normally at some point, but that's it. I said that this was about my second opportunity. The thing is, looking back, I realize that, had things been different, he would've made a great mate. He was passionate, determined... Had things only been different.

The second thing is something that reminded me of myself. I remember coming across a pack of wolves on my travels. They didn't know I was there, but I watched them from my perch atop a steep hill. The pack was running, but I noticed that one younger one was struggling to keep up.

She was about my age when I left my parents, maybe a little younger. She also had a deformed hind leg. It was shorter than the others, and clearly caused her much trouble. But she did her best to keep up with her pack. She was determined to prove herself, and she wouldn't let a deformity get in her way.

What struck me about the situation was how much she was like me. Struggling to survive, in a desperate situation, and the feeling of rejection. I felt akin to her.

At some later point in time, I saw her again. This time she was alone. She was scrounging for food, winter having driven all the prey into hiding. I was watching her from the shadows of a scrubby shrubbery. I knew at once that she had been left behind by her pack and would probably die without them. I thought about approaching her, but I didn't.

The reason? She was so like me, that I knew that she would have to learn to survive on her own, as did I. She would have to decide where her life would take her, and if she was strong enough to accept the circumstances.

I won't ever forget her. She made that big of impact upon my life. Because I saw myself in her.

(This part is something from my own life, not from the wolf's who is telling the story.)
My sister has told me that as she has watched me grow up, she feels as though she is watching herself grow up. Different situation, same idea. Same emotions, same consequences so to speak. This is what the wolf is talking about when she says "I saw myself in her."  

[Lyember]

These next few bits are just random happenings that I remember. The one became important in my later life, and the other was just something random.

At some point during the end of a summer, I ran into a pack of wolves who were rather odd. They wore berries and vines and other assorted things in their fur. They were from Ireland, and they were drunk. They loved partying, or at least the Lupine equivalent of partying. I think they wanted me to join them, but alas, I was a nomad and there was no changing that.

Another instance, I remember being in some dark forest. There was an old wolf with a scar over his left eye. I thought he was a threat judging by the way he circled me. But apparently he was a former champion of the Fight Circles and just wanted to give me some words of advice.

"You would do well to remember where your strengths and loyalties lie." He said.

I wasn't sure what he was getting at, but he had this look in his eyes like he knew exactly what I was going through. Almost as if he had been where I was.

His words now have meaning to me, but I'm afraid it may be too late for them to make a difference. Had I listened to him at the time, I wouldn't have ended up where I did next.  

[Lyember]

Where did I end up next? That's hard to answer, as I never kept track of time during all this. However, I am sure that my next installment is close enough to where I went next that it is safe to post it in this order.

There was a time when I found myself searching out a myth. Deep in a foggy forest, there is a natural bowl formation, sort of like a pit mixed with a valley. It was steep and kind of rocky. At the bottom, there is a symbol carved into the ground, not unlike an alchemy symbol. Legend has it that this was a sacred place to those interested in Dark Magic. Apparently, this place could even bring back the dead.

I caught wind of this myth. Especially the raising the dead part. So I set out to find this place, in hopes of bringing back Sindia. As I've said before, I was desperate.

I did find this place, deep in the perpetually foggy forest. I recall making my way down the steep rocky slope into one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

Upon reaching the bottom, I stood in the center of the symbol, as I had heard to do, and recited the incantation that had taken me a long time to track down. A wind picked up and spun around the bowl, not unlike as seen in movies. Wraiths emerged from the howling wind storm, spinning with the motion of the air currents.

"What do you want?" They spoke in sync with a sort of raspy shriek.

"Give me back my sister! Give me back Sindia!" I howled at them, desperation giving me courage.

"Never! She is outside our realm of power."

I'm not sure what happened after that, but I do know this. I left that place, disappointed and upset. I didn't know that had they actually brought Sindia back, she would've been pulled out of Paradise. That is not something that I wish to dabble with. Had I succeeded, I would've probably been sent to Hell instantly.

A lesson to be learned: When you lose a loved one, do not wish them to return. Instead, wish them safely to Paradise, where you will hopefully one day join them.