Welcome to Gaia! ::

Character Abusers Anonymous

Back to Guilds

A writing guild for those who like to torment their characters. 

Tags: writing, character abuse, critique 

Reply Story Sharing, Critique, Etc.
Kita and Feragel Walk Into a Bar, Now With Added Indio!

Quick Reply

Enter both words below, separated by a space:

Can't read the text? Click here

Submit

What should happen to the Campanelli brat?
  Get turned into an ice monster!
  Get mauled by a gang of thieves the moment he walks out the door!
  Break his neck walking off the curb!
  Go insane and kill all of his friends and family!
View Results

Kita-Ysabell

Distinct Conversationalist

PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 3:01 pm


Background: So Kita and Feragel have teamed up to solve crimes or... whatever. They manage to go all of two seconds before ending up in a huge fight and realizing that if they're going to get anything done, they're going to need someone to distract them from killing each other. So they run about for a bit and discover Indio, another survivor from the Vanguard. As always, critique more than welcome.





He was lovely in pieces, and in moments; jaw line, lashes, the angled slope of his shoulders. The dim light and thick smoke of the tavern complimented him, strengthening the impression of something… else that lingered just beyond him.

He was flirting with a young, minor heir of the Campanelli family, and he was all too aware of his success in the endeavor. He eyed the fair-haired youth with mild contempt as the boy, apparent in his wealth despite his best efforts, leaned forward to hang on his every word. Kita could not hear what Indio was saying, but she suspected he was spinning some fantastic tale of daring-do that strayed far too close to the truth.

Indio had noticed Kita and Feragel when they had entered the room, but had been quick to pretend that he had not. Now, he watched them covertly, eyes darting in their direction every so often. As they approached him, he gave up conversation entirely and glared up at them. The Campanelli heir, taking notice of the pair, panicked and fled. Feragel regarded the boy with a brief look of amusement, but Kita paid him no mind.

“What are you doing here?” Indio spat.

Kita regarded him critically. “The Vanguard was destroyed.”

“I’m well aware. The Vanguard had many enemies, it’s hardly a surprise.”

Feragel grinned. “That’s exactly what I said. But, well, there’re a few details that suggest that whoever was behind it, well… they weren’t after the Vanguard. No, they were after the members of the Vanguard.”

Indio scowled at him. “Like what?”

“No one ever took credit for it,” Kita stated flatly.

Indio considered this for a moment, then sighed. “Fine. So what do you want? Money? Supplies? Records?”

“We want you to come with us, to try and find out what’s going on.”

“Fine. I’ll go.” He rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand. “I sure hope I won’t regret this.”






Stuff You Might Be Wondering About:

The Vanguard: The Vanguard of the People's Republic, the Marxist assassination group that Feragel trained with and Kita and Indio belonged to.

The Campanelli Family: One of the major families from the most industrialized and crime-controlled city-state in the setting. Go, crappy Renaissance-Italy look-alike!
PostPosted: Mon Oct 19, 2009 4:39 pm


My only complaint is that it feels like Indio agrees a bit too readily. Even just one objection, I think, would rectify the situation; otherwise it feels...well, it just feels too easy.

Otherwise, great job. I like it, particularly the first line.

Raincrow
Captain

9,050 Points
  • Survivor 150
  • Healer 50
  • Pie For All! 300
Reply
Story Sharing, Critique, Etc.

 
Manage Your Items
Other Stuff
Get GCash
Offers
Get Items
More Items
Where Everyone Hangs Out
Other Community Areas
Virtual Spaces
Fun Stuff
Gaia's Games
Mini-Games
Play with GCash
Play with Platinum