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Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:19 pm
Ok i am writing a few stories. this is the one im working on atm
I would like help with a few things
grammatical errors, if any thing should be fixed, spelling errors, critics, and a title XD
i AM NOT good at figuring out Titles. for all my stories, i have no titles yet XD
except the adventures of Bob and Fred.
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Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 12:21 pm
My Story:
Prologue
Hello, my name is Jacob Martin. I never really knew much about people or their feelings. The only "friends" I have are my fellow vampire fledglings. Dylan, He has some short brown hair and always is the sensitive one and is a big pushover. His eyes are brown and he's really boring... and short. Darren, He can be a pretty big jerk sometimes, is the lady's man of our little group, and definitely not the intellectual one. Black hair, blue eyes, and 6' 1" he's even taller then me!
My whole life changed when a girl decided to join us in our small group of "friends". A human should fear us. Not her. We feared she would be like all the other humans. Weak. Spineless. Smart enough to stay away. Not her. She came to us of all people when those creeps chased her around the school. Oops, I guess I'm getting ahead of myself. How about I start from the beginning........
Chapter One The beginning of it all
I guess... it all started on that winter morning, in November, I believe. Our teacher told us that we were to have a new student in our class the next day and how we were to greet her kindly and help her if she ever needed anything. Both Dylan and I were out of it that day, because it was still first period. I didn't care anyway. Even the ever-eager Darren didn't care. Then the teacher said, looking at us, "Be nice to her, especially you three." Darren's interest sparked insanely. "Did you hear that, Dylan?", he asked, snapping the vampire out of his daze, "A new girl is coming here tomorrow!!" "Who really cares?", I challenged him, "It's just another stupid human. They all die eventually." Even Dylan stared at me after I'd said that. "Dude, I think somebody woke up on the wrong side of the coffin.", Darren whispered loudly. "Shh", hissed Dylan, "Do you want to blow our cover?! If our classmates hear us calling other people "human" then they'll know something is up." I just glared and gave him the finger.
* * * * *
We split up at the end of class and headed to second period. I don't like second period much. Not just because its Math but because some human is obsessed with me. “Hi, Jake!”, yelled Annie from across the room, “Over here!” I walked over to her reluctantly. “What do you want now?”, I asked her, glaring. She could tell I was not in a good mood, but kept talking any way. “Did you hear?”, she asked me, “There is going to be a new girl in our class! I’m sure we will become the best of friends with the girl!” ‘We’? Is she going to try and drag me into this to? “Shut up, Annie”, I growled, “I couldn’t care any less about some stupid girl!!” That hit her pretty hard. She burst into tears, but I just kept walking to the back of the classroom in my usual seat. Why is everyone so exited? It’s just a stupid girl, coming to our boring old school, in this horrid,human town. Well then, I’m going to give her a welcoming she’ll never forget………
Chapter Two The Girl
I was now craving the next day to come. To drive the new girl away, I would reveal our secret and freak her out. I’m a very scheming person. It took forever to think it up, but that’s just mostly because in the beginning I was thinking stupid pranks. The next day finally came leaving me totally psyched. I must have a fully warped sense of humor. I headed on to first period to tell the guys my plan. Though neither would approve. I walked in and sat down in my usual spot in the back corner of the room. I greeted the other two and sat down, deciding not to tell them. Class Started. “Ok, everyone!”, said Mrs. Morgan, getting everyone’s attention, not mine. “I’d like to introduce you our new student!” My eyes fixated on the door. In walked a girl dressed in a plain black shirt and a short black skirt. Her hair was about shoulder-length that was black as well. I instantly heard a few gasps in my ears. I saw the other two staring at her. I couldn’t look away either. I couldn’t scare such a beautiful girl away… Now, I have competition. To make it better It’s my only friends. The teacher told her to sit anywhere she wanted. She chose the one in front of me. The only problem was that it was the one next to Darren.
THIS IS BAD!!! * * * * *
Class went on slowly and I couldn’t stand it much longer. The weird part was that I didn’t even know her name and I had already fallen head over heels for her. She was staring out the window and it looked like she wasn’t paying attention, but every time she was called on she answered correctly. Mrs. Morgan eventually gave up. The bell rang. I stood up and walked slowly up to her, hoping to ask her what her name was. Darren beat me to it. “Hello, I’m Darren Adams!”, he chimed, lifting her hand and kissing it, “and you are?” She glared at him. “What are you? Some kind of pervert?!”, She answered. Darren froze as she walked off. He had never been rejected. Dylan and I burst out laughing. “You actually thought she’d fall for that?!”, I laughed at him. “Yes….”, Darren admitted. Dylan laughed harder. We all ended up laughing our heads off as everyone stared at us. I thought I even saw the new girl laughing. Probably at Darren’s stupidity. Or does she like him?
Chapter Three She Knows
I went on to second period and I was surprised to see her there too. The teacher was already showing her around the classroom. “Annie, why didn’t you tell me the new girl was in our class?!” “I did! You never listen to what I say!”, she yelled, and walked off. I decided I would properly introduce myself to her. “Hey, I’m Jacob. Sorry about earlier.”, I said to her, “Welcome to the school.” “What are you, the welcoming committee?!”, She glared. She’s even more of a jerk then I am. Is that even possible? Annie came back over. “Come one, Jake, we don’t need her!!”, she sniffed. Her usual snobby self, I see. I was about to show my worst side in front of the new girl, but I didn’t care as long as Annie was off my back. “We? Since when were we together, or friends. I despise you with a great passion, and you are extremely annoying!!”, I exploded. Annie ran off crying. The new girl was… giggling?! “You’re a sadist too, I see.”, I said smiling. “Yea, I guess. Other peoples’ pain is quite funny.”, she laughed, “I guess I can trust you. I’m Alex Smith.” So it’s Alex. A sexy sadist with an awesome name, and The other’s don’t know her name yet! “Who are those other two? The creepy pervert and the silent brainy kid.”, Alex asked. “Darren’s the pervert and Dylan’s the brain. They’re childhood friends. We’ve known each other for a while.”, I answered. “I feel very sorry for you.”, she laughed. She went off alone. She’s in third period too. So is Darren and Dylan. When I walked in I saw Darren flirting with Alex as usual and her glaring at him again. The teacher walked in after me so everyone sat down and was quiet. The teacher introduced her and she sat in front. Too far from my seat in the back corner. Class went by fast and it was over. I collected my stuff and walked to the front where the door was. Alex passed by me and whispered in my ear. “I know your secret, Jacob.”, she said emptily, then left the room. I stood there bewildered. I could hardly stand. Dylan could tell there was something up and walked over to me. “You, Ok?”, he asked me. I shook me head. “She knows…!” Dylan stared at me like I was crazy. Then I nodded and he knew exactly what I was talking about. “She knows that we are…” Dylan’s eyes grew and his mouth dropped. “NO……..”
Chapter Four Vampires
“I can’t believe it! She knows our secret?! HOW?! She couldn’t know our secret just by knowing us!!”, Dylan screamed and was running in circles. We had come outside by the fountain in the courtyard and told Darren everything. “How could this happen?!”, Darren couldn’t calm down either. “Guys we need to calm down and figure this out!”, I yelled at the two. Dylan stopped running. “You’re right. Maybe it’s not even the vampire secret.”, he said with hope, “Maybe he means something else.” “Like blackmail?”, asked Darren being his usual dim-witted self. “It’ couldn’t be. If it were blackmail she would have been smirking. It was more of an empty look.”, I recalled, “She defiantly knows the vampire secret.” They both nodded sadly. Then Darren asked the most terrible question ever. “Does this mean we have to kill her?”
Dylan and I exchanged looks then slapped Darren hard for thinking that way. “Are you nuts?”, I yelled, “We can’t kill her!!” Dylan said this, “Since she knows, then she may be a hunter. Lets just see what happens tomorrow.”
* * * * *
The next day we were afraid and did not want to see Alex. Again I was the one to have to see her first. She walked by me when I was alone. “You three must be nicer vampires then I thought. Guess I wont need this… yet.” She pulled out a stake. Then she giggled and put it in her pocket and skipped off. That pissed me off a bit. I ran to tell the others that we were safe. I looked out a window I was passing and I saw them by the fountain. It was the end of the day so it was pretty easy to find them. “Hey guys, we’re safe!”, I yelled to them. “She know the secret but she’s not going to kill us?!”, Darren chimed, “Thank goodness!!” Then we heard footsteps. It was Alex. She smiled and said, “You’re right I am not going to hurt you guys.” We heard a rustling in the bushes near-by. It all happened too fast. A blur came to Alex and she fell to the ground. There was a very sickening snap as the blur crushed her ankle under it’s foot. Wait! A foot?! The blur slowly became visible. It was a man. What man could move that fast? Alex cried out in pain and I figured out the answer. Dylan cried out too. His was words. “V-v-v-vampire!!” Darren was thrown next. Right into Alex crushing her ribs. Dylan and I cowered in fear and huddled together. I felt safe next to him. Then he was no longer there when he too was hurled across the lawn of the school. Luckily no humans were around. “I don’t have anything against you so you can leave without breaking anything.”, the man said to me, “You were there but you were too young to remember it.” The man gave Alex a potion. Her ankle healed and she was fine. “I’m sorry young miss, you were just in the way.”, he laughed. He looked at her like he was interested. That made me really mad. I went up to him and my fist connected to his forehead. He flew through the trees and was gone. He was out to get Darren and Dylan and was flirting with the girl I liked. Who did that idiot think he was? I was soon to find out…
Chapter Five Researching the Dark Man
Who did that jerk think he was? I could kill him for what he did to her!! I was flipping out as Alex drove us to the hospital. Darren and Dylan were crying in pain. “That man…he was so familiar…I’ve seen him before but I just can’t place the name…”, Dylan said breaking the silence. “Yes. I know him from somewhere too…he’s a killer, that’s what I can remember.”, said Darren, crying. I hadn’t recognized him but they did? They were older though. When I was only three years of age, they would have been around seven years. In human years I’d be seventeen and they’d be eighteen. The vampire years confuse me but if it happened when I was five or younger they would still have been old enough to remember. He said that I had been there but not old enough to remember what happened. Did the parents I don’t remember do something to that dark man. Or did one of my brothers? I don’t know or care. I love Alex. He does too. He’s my rival now. I looked over to the seat next to me where Alex was driving. She was crying. I rested my hand onto her shoulder making her jump but cry more. “Did I do something to make that guy attack them?”, Alex cried. I was surprised enough that I dropped my hand off of her shoulder. She blames herself? “It is not your fault, Alex”, I sighed, “Its either their own fault or our parents” “What happened to your parents?”, she asked. “I was too young to remember them. I know that they died. My brothers say that mom and dad were killed…”, I sighed. My brothers both looked down sadly, remembering the ones who gave birth to them. The started to cry, we all did. Even Alex.
* * * * *
We arrived at the hospital in tears. Darren being heaviest, I helped him inside. Alex helped Dylan. We got them registered and the nurses put them on a gurney, rolling them to their temporary rooms. They asked how it happened, no one spoke.
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Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:46 pm
okay, the first grammatical error that i've noticed was in chapter 1, when annie is asking "Did you here?" it should be "Did you hear?"
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Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 6:49 pm
another error in the sentence, It’s just a stupid girl coming to our boring old school in this horrid human town. there should be a comma between school & in and another between horrid & human k?
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Posted: Wed Oct 28, 2009 9:28 pm
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Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 1:21 pm
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Posted: Sat Jan 23, 2010 1:33 pm
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