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 Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 4:46 pm
please comment...I made this a while back...
My eyes are dull
Even when I read what I love
Mom's gone
Dad's dead
I have no friends
The archeologists help me
And care for me
When no one else does
I found one friend
And my mom
But now
All is lost
The island
I called home
Is buning
My eyes get duller
As my mother
my friend
And the archeologists burn
I'm wanted now
And no one wants me alive
I found people who like me
They later protect me
And the more time passes
The brighter my eyes get
But thinking that they'll betray me
My eyes get duller
Than after the island burned
The dullness never ceases
Inside of me
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Posted: Tue Nov 03, 2009 5:06 pm
Edits:
--I found one friend/ And my mom - This does not make logical sense. Did you mean "In my mom"?
--Is buning - "burning"?
My opinion: I feel that your idea of heavy use of repetition is good, but the execution did not match the ideal. You have made several mentions to burning and your eyes becoming brighter or duller, yet these changes do not reflect the development of your theme, or the logical progression of the poem. If you were to correct these so that they did match, this poem would gain cohesiveness, making your statement more legible, and the entire poem more accessible, which is necessary when your topic is this obscured. I suggest making a flow chart of the historical events in this poem, and then analyzing how the poem and a chronological time line as a tool in understanding may be used in tandem to clarify your intent.
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Priestess of Neptune Crew
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