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Creative writing

fire_devil_angel

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Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 8:57 pm

If you have a little short story or poetry post it here for others to read and critique. Maybe you've gotten to a point in a story where you can't come up with anything more, well then post here and maybe someone can give you a suggestion that can get your writing moving forward again. Basically just post any type of creative writing here.

Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:04 pm

I want critiques on this, I want it to be a song but I know right now it's to short to really be a song.

No one sees I am dying,
no one sees the pain.
No one sees me turning,
pushing His love away...

No one sees in the silence,
the tears of honest grief.
No one sees them falling
bringing no relief.

No one sees me thinking,
choosing life or Death.
No one sees me screaming
hating every breath.

No one sees I am dying,
for there is no one left.

fire_devil_angel

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fishheadpie

Cosmic Force

20,915 Points

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Posted: Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:43 pm

I wrote a short story a while back... It's kinda long so I'll just link you to it... Here

Now for my critique of your poem/song! Please excuse me if I am a tough critic.

It has good emotions, but it seem rather... abstract, I guess would be the word. I think you need a bit more figurative language as well. I mean, it just seems kind of flat. You need to make it pop more, make it a bit more original, add some good literary devices (like similes and metaphors) to spice things up.

Hope this critique helps~!

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