The imagery is interesting, but the sense of flow on the whole is lacking. There are invariably four feet per line if you read it straight, which is nice and even, but unfortunately the stress is off on several lines and that ruins the constant meter. For example...
x / x / x / x /
Like dawn l less days l and breath l less lips,
(GOOD)x / x / x / x /
Shining l faces l with bro l ken tips,
(GOOD)x / x / x /
Dreams bro l ken then l renewed,
(BAD - the stress is off! You've also lapsed out of the even number of feet established, which I didn't notice when counting initially)x / x / x / x /
And emp l ty skies l to face l our dues.
(GOOD)The key with poetry that isn't free verse is to BE CONSISTENT. As the vast majority of the poem is in iambic tetrameter, it sounds wrong when you suddenly lapse out of it. As this happens usually once per verse, that's what is creating the problems with flow.
To repeat myself on the actual language of the poem, there are some interesting images that allow you to personally connect with what's being said. However, imo the lack of connection BETWEEN pictures - constant abrupt shifts between what's being conjured - detracts from the overall quality of the language. You've called it an extended metaphor, but the audience can only connect with a metaphor if they can understand it, and all the disjointed images don't get it across. It's not a poem I'd like to analyse, because there's very little you can pull from it aside from overall dark mood. So I think it can be concluded that the main non-technical problem is the lack of an overall point to get across.
(EDIT - damn thing misaligning my stresses >___> *grumbles and tries to fix*)
EDIT EDIT: Right, I've gone and
written it out so you can see. There are also a couple of other possibilities there.
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