So, I wrote this in 2007 for my final English assignment.
Thought I would share it.
Sealed.
I can imagine myself sitting there, like the good little b***h they wanted me to be. The eternal Alianna forever beautiful, “yeah right, forever is the word of death, and as for beautiful…well it isn’t so anymore, I’ll show them.”
Old wounds re-opened to the melodious voices egging me on. I can see it all now as if from above…them waiting for the pristine moment to assert their authority, to tie me back down and pump me with that drug. Well this time I’ll make them come. They are at my will really, always coming when they think I am in ‘need.’ Need. Giving life to my ever lasting pain. Always to my ‘need’ they come running but it’s so worth the looks on the faces of the high and mighty parents, for them to see me, haggard in the white gown, not being “forever beautiful” but instead, my own creation. The blackened hair cut and sliced in every which way possible. The heavy kohl around my eyes, to add to my Egyptian look of tanned skin; alas there is still the issue of this puppy fat around my middle, though soon enough that shall be fixed. Consistency fixes everything; they think I eat…“ha I can starve for however long they think I can eat”.
Ahhh yes, here they come again. To ‘help’ me they say in their sickly sweet voices; yes “help me”. It may have ‘helped’ me a long time ago, now they do nothing but make me worse…I start kicking and screaming, as I see the silver laden tray carried in. I can hold them off for a few more moments, until I spy the gleam of the icy steel of a sharpened blade. An “Ahh yes that’s it” was mumbled yet not heard…they are helping me now.
Familiarity occurs as the all too known needle is reached for and given that mundane flick, an added squirt for effect before its metallic tip is slipped to the vein.
Reality wanes as I slowly receive the effects of ‘that’ drug, shadowed wings flock me as I sleep. Turning my dreams to memories of a little child, playing hide and seek. She’s in a perfectly manicured garden, her favourite white dress, running and screaming with pearly white teeth flashing, “home” I whisper. Like a slide-show the image changes to that park, the park which got me here, the story they think I made up. Why would I make up something like that? A girl of 17, why lie and deceive about something like that? No I didn’t lie, they do and they always deceived, it wasn’t my fault, it was all them, they brought me to this.
That image, that stormy afternoon and that dress, once a gown, now tattered and torn on her body. The park, desolate and dark, alone she sits, hanging onto the swings side when he comes…and takes from her what she held as her only possession.
“It was mine” I scream waking up. “And here they will come”. Listen…nothing not a noise. Falling back to sleep, it starts up again, he takes it, as the lightning clashes, thunder crashes and rain lashes. Fear. “Don’t take it, it’s mine”, the sub-conscious pleads. Another crash and slumber is eluded as the thoughts wrap around a warped mind.
This pain is real, this pain is true. It holds no secrets, tells no lies. It brings about a stark realisation about this world. Friends desert you; family turn their backs. But this razorblade can’t lie as you did claiming your benevolent god helps the weak. I am weak. I was too ******** weak! But I received nothing, no miracle, and no ray of light that transcends from the heavens to fix what was broken. I am still here in this gloomy hospital closet; I’m alone. I must be my own saviour.
Around me everyone is asleep, enjoying their rest no doubt. Unbeknownst to them, I am in the dark plotting my own demise. My body will reflect how I feel inside.
The time has come to write my final goodbye. How do I tell the people I love most that my death was just? How can I explain to my family and friends that I love them so much? It’s just a shame I can’t be sure the feelings are reciprocated. Paranoia. Raw emotions run through me as I put pen to paper, sending my arm into mini convulsions.
“I’m sorry for all the Pain I’ve caused.
I’ll never hurt you again.
With Love eternal,”
Signing my name, I seal my fate.
