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 Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:28 pm
I've been working on this for a few days, and I want some feedback on it. I have a little idea of where its going, but first, I want to know how far its come. Any thing that you can tell me would be great. Be as harsh as you want.
Warning: I haven't been over it yet. This is just how its come out. I want some opinions on this before I continue or go back and revise.
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:41 pm
As Friday the thirteenth approached, the small town of Bakersville, Montana, was in a flourish of activity. For two years, the town had been terrorized by a… well, the town couldn’t agree what it was. The minister and his rather small congregation believed it was a demon sent by Satan himself to punish the town for hanging an innocent man three years earlier. Others believed that it was the ghost of the man that wanted to punish the town for his death. Finally, some others believed that it wasn’t anything unnatural and that it was only the children of the hanged man trying to get revenge.
No matter what, everyone agreed that it had something to do with Mark Spence, the poor man that had been hanged. For three years, the man had proclaimed his innocence through the trials and appeals until he was finally hanged on Friday the thirteenth; on Monday the sixteenth, evidence was found that proved he was innocent. Margaret Spence, the deceased man’s wife, and their two children, Martin and Mariette, who had been all but outcast since Mark had been a suspect, became the care of the town. Everyone would come up to them and tell them they were sorry, and some people even went so far as to bring things. They got an immediate discount at the local store and a fund was set up for them when their roof was destroyed in a storm.
Despite how sorry the town felt and how much they tried to help the Spences, the apparition would appear and chase people around town. The main apparition was a dark cloaked figure much like cartoon versions of the Grim Reaper; he even carried around an ominous-looking scythe though he didn’t use it. His voice was deep and foreboding, and everyone in town was scared to death of him and the twisted animal that he brought with him. It was shaped much like a dog but big enough to be a man. It ran around town snarling and snapping at people, and though it never attacked a human, it killed and devoured cows, sheep, just about any kind of livestock. Except for last year, the two were never apart; no one knew where the dog had been last year, no one except for Mariette Spence.
Mariette had been the man last year despite herself. The entire day was hazy as if she had only been partially awake; in fact, she had believed that she had only dreamed the incidences until she woke up the next day and others were telling her what happened. She woke up that morning outside, walking toward the shed. She had tried to stop herself and go back to bed, but her body didn’t obey her. It continued to walk to the shed where she found black clothes, a battered, black cloak, and the scythe of the mysterious apparition. Despite her desires not to, her body put on the clothes and took the scythe and walked out into town. The entire time, she wanted to go to back to her room and lock herself inside, but she never could.
This year, Mariette took extra precautions. She found some rope and smuggled it into her room; she planned on locking her door and tying herself to her bed that night to keep herself from terrorizing the town. She didn’t understand why she was the phantom that one year because she hadn’t been the year before; she had memories of running from him and his dog. She helped her mother and brother barricade the house and barn to prepare, and that night when she went to bed, she tied herself to the bed and prayed that she wouldn’t be the phantom again this year.
*****
The first thing I did when I woke up was to make sure that I was still in my bedroom; I was. The next was to see if I could move my foot of my own fruition; I could. Only then did I start to untie myself. It seemed to me that I had been spared this year, and I hoped that meant that the spirit and his nasty dog wasn’t coming. But, as soon as I had effectively gotten out of my restraints, I heard a low growl outside my very window. Half-dead with fear, I moved towards it and pulled aside my window dressings slowly; what I saw almost scared me more than what I was expecting.
I thought I would see the demon dog just outside my window ready to pounce in and get me, but it was only half of what I saw. It was my brother’s face twisted in pain as he transformed into the dog that scared me half to death. Not only was I surprised that my brother was, apparently, a werewolf, but I was scared for his safety (I know, my brother is a blood-thirsty, hell-hound, and I was scared for him). This year, like the year before, the men of the town were out hunting for him; without knowing who he was, they would kill him. Shoot, they might kill him even if they did know who he was. I knew that I should be worried about myself, my mother, and the other people in town since he was likely to go after them, but I could only think of my brother.
I was about to turn from the window when I noticed a black-clad figure approaching, but he hadn’t put his hood up yet. I recognized him as Conner Williams, my brother’s best friend, but his normally dark eyes were now a light blue. He wasn’t acting very much like himself either. Usually he had a little bit a slouch because he was self-conscious about his height (he was about 6’5'’ in a town where most men were just shy of six feet). But he was standing tall today, and his brown hair was slicked back in a style that he hated. He was also walking like he owned the world instead of his usual cautious shuffle.
When he spoke to the werewolf that was my brother, his voice was completely changed to the voice that was so well known as the spirit’s. “I think it is time to go, my dear boy.” Then he looked up, and we made eye contact. My heart skipped several beats (personally, I would have much better miss heart beats over a hot guy than from fear). I didn’t know what to do. He was my brother’s best friend, and I couldn’t make myself believe that he would hurt me, but he was now the ghost that would. I wanted to run, but would it really help? Instead of attacking, he simply smirked and walked away with my brother at his heels like a good dog.
Just as I let my curtain fall back into place, my mom burst into the room breathless as if she had run all the way from her room upstairs. “I heard something outside, and I can’t find your brother.”
I wanted to panic; I wanted to tell my mom what I saw, but I know that it would destroy her. My mom had been so depressed since my father’s conviction, and I didn’t think that she would be able to handle the news that her son was the hell-dog (if she would even believe me). Instead, I looked at my mom like a deer in the headlights, which was exactly what I felt like. “What?” I demanded like I had no idea what was going on.
"He’s not in his room!” my mother shrieked, panic truly starting to set in. She was starting to breath in short-gasps, and I knew that she was getting close to a panic attack. They had become so prevalent since my father was arrested.
“It’s okay, Mom,” I said soothingly as I hurried across the room to my mother. I quickly took her shoulders and moved her towards the living room, where I made sure she sat on the sofa. “First of all, you need to calm down; I’m sure he’s fine,” I said and hoped it was true. There were so many men out there with guns. “I bet he just went with the men to try to catch the hell-dog,” which he had planned on doing despite her wishes that he wouldn’t, ironically.
After my mom had calmed down a little, I moved to the kitchen to get her a cup of water and some of her anti-anxiety medicine. I knew that it would put her out like a light and give me time to go get my brother. Though I felt guilty about drugging my mother, I couldn’t leave her in her current condition. She wouldn’t let me leave as well, and if I sneaked out and she couldn’t find me, she would have another panic attack with no one here to help her. The only way I was going to get out of the door was if she was asleep.
“Here, Mom,” I said handing her the pills and the glass of water. “It’s your anti-anxiety medicine. They’ll calm you down.”
“And knock me out,” my mom muttered and put the pills aside. I understood why she was reluctant to take the medicine, but I needed to go get my brother before he got himself hurt. Other than that, I was worried that the stress of today would get to her anyway; I would much rather she stayed in bed the entire day than to have a relapse like she had last year when my brother had been gone and I… had been occupied.
“Look, Mom,” I said knelling in front of her. “I think it’s better if you take the medicine and stay in bed all day; the stress last year sent you into a relapse. I’m not sure if I could take care of you by myself, and I have no idea where Martin is.” She still looked unsure, but I could tell that I was making progress. “Look, if anything happens, I’ll wake you. I’m not leaving, and I can keep an eye on everything while you sleep.”
“Okay,” she said and reached over for the pills. Moments later, I was tucking her into bed. “Mariette, take care of your brother,” she said as she drifted off to sleep.
With one last look at her, I wondered how she could have gotten so old in the past three years. She use to look so young that some of the new people in town thought we had been sisters, but now her face was wrinkled and her hair had started to grey. “Don’t worry, Mom,” I said in the doorway. “I will.”
*****
About five minutes later, I was on Main Street standing outside the hardware store. I tried to button my jacket up tighter because it was very cold for a September day. That may have been due to the cloud coverage, but I seriously doubted it. Something was going on today, something more than the normal werewolf and ghostly specter that had happened the past two years. Though I couldn’t put my finger on it, I sensed something in the air that meant trouble, something I was all but sure would mean trouble for my brother and me.
Just as I was about even with the alleyway when a small, black furry thing ran out in front of me. “Great, a black cat just crossed my path,” I thought to myself. “Just what I need.” Then another larger, brown furry thing ran out behind it. Instantly, I recognized it was my brother, or rather, I recognized it as the hell-dog that my brother had turned into.
“Martin!” I cried out, but when the dog didn’t slow down or turn back towards me, I ran after him screaming, “Martin! Martin, stop!”
*****
Lucien Lamont stood in the alley across the way when the werewolf burst out of the alley across the way chasing a cat and nearly tripping a young woman in her mid-teens. He had been looking for this werewolf for about five months after the first investigation failed to make any progress. This particular werewolf had brought attention to himself at Montana State University one year ago today; it had been a local competition of some kind. He had eventually narrowed his suspect to two boys from this very city, but it was such a small town that their “haunting” hadn’t registered on the counsel’s radar.
Smirking to himself, that he had found his charge so quickly, he was about to step out of the shadows when the teenager started running after the werewolf crying, “Martin!” Though he was happy that he knew which of the two boys he was looking for now, he couldn’t believe that the girl was stupid enough to think that she could stop the werewolf when he was shape shifted. Rather angry, he pulled his hat further down on his head and moved to follow the girl and wolf.
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:42 pm
*****
I ran as fast as I could, and I could only barely keep up with my brother. He was running full out after the cat, and I hoped that I would be able to catch up to him before he caught up with it. The poor thing, I hoped that it found some way of keeping away from him because I really didn’t want to see it mauled by my brother. Despite the small breakfast I had, I didn’t think that it had been small enough to withstand something like that.
We ran down Main Street, but he made a rather sharp turn onto Turner Street and ran right into the main doors of the school. Without giving it much thought, I ran into the school as well, making it through the doors just soon enough to see my brother’s tail disappear around a corner. “Wait!” I called and ran towards it.
Now that we were inside on tile, I could hear that someone was following me, and I hoped that it wasn’t one of the men with riffles trying to kill him, not that I had that much time to worry about it at that moment because just then I rounded the corner and was face-to-face with a set of very sharp teeth. I skipped to a stop, but I still just barely stopped in time to keep myself from tripping over my brother.
He was growling and trying to intimidate me, and I had to admit it was working rather well. His tail was between his legs and his ears where flat against his head. From growing up on a farm, I knew that was a bad sign from a dog and that I should be worried that he would bite me, but I just kept thinking about my brother and how he wouldn't do that.
"Martin! Stop it!" I cried at him, but he didn't seem to calm down. "Martin, I know it's you, and you have to listen to me. There are men out there with guns trying to kill you; you have to come home. You can stay in the barn; Mom won't know anything about it. Please!"
"He won't listen to you, girlie," a man's voice said behind me, and I turned my head a little to see who it was since I didn't recognize the voice. It was a stranger, and I wondered what he could have do to with any of this. Frankly, I didn't trust him. It seemed very suspicious to me that a stranger would show up today of all days. Besides, he seemed to know something about my brother. To me, it was all very suspicious.
Then I noticed that he was raising a gun towards my brother. "No!" I screamed and pushed his arm just as he shot making the bullet go astray.
Unfortunately, the noise of the shot caused my brother to charge at us. "Run!" the man said taking my arm and dragging me behind him.
We tan for several moments until I noticed the pain in my chest. I couldn't keep this up that much longer. I had already ran most of the way through town, and I needed a plan and to know who this stranger was and what he wanted. Thinking quickly, I realized that the men's restroom was just in front of us (unfortunately the women's was a hall over). It would have a lock, water, and a window that opened if we needed it.
"I have an idea," I told the stranger then put a little extra speed into my run so I could get slightly ahead of him. At the right moment, I put my entire weight against the bathroom door (the door was heavy and I needed it to open quickly). The mysterious stranger joined me, and as soon as we were inside, we pushed the door closed and locked it.
I then sat down and leaned against the opposing wall to catch my breath. Since we were now out of any major danger, I took a few moments to judge the stranger in front of me. He was very tall, about 6'6" with dark brown or black hair. He was very pale, had piercing green eyes, and was dressed in all black clothes with a large black hat. The weird part was the fact that he wasn't breathing heavy at all despite the fact we had just ran about a mile and a half at full speed; he was either more athletic than his thin frame showed or he wasn't human. A feeling told me it was the last one, and that sort of feeling was almost always right.
"A bathroom?" he asked with a sneer as if bathrooms were below him.
"Lock, water, two exits," I said between gasps for air. He nodded his head at my reasoning taking another look around the room and letting me catch my breath. Outside the door, I could hear my brother scratching at the door and growling, trying to get in.
By the time I was able to breath normally again, I couldn't hear my brother at the door anymore, which I knew might not be a good thing. First of all, it meant that I had no idea where he was again; secondly it meant he could be out terrorizing other people and running the risk of meeting someone who wished him harm; and lastly, he was probably going to get his master. It seemed my choice of two escape routes wouldn't really help us that much.
"So who are you, anyway?" I asked the stranger who was standing in front of one of the mirrors plucking at his eyebrows as if we weren't in deadly danger.
"My name is Lucien Lamont," he said without looking at me or stopping what he was doing, and an awkward silence developed.
"Don't you want to know what my name is?" I asked.
"No," he answered. Okay, now he was starting to make me angry. Who did he think he was? Jesus? First, the bathroom was below him, and now he thought he was so much better than me that he didn't even need to know my name. How rude!
"Why not?" I asked trying to keep my voice neutral but failed. I had never been good at hiding my anger.
"Because you probably won't be alive long enough to give it any meaning," he answered, matter-of-factly.
"And how did you reach that conclusion?" I asked back even angrier and allowed the edge to become even more pronounced in my voice.
"You are trying to reason with a werewolf; you obviously have a death wish," he reasoned.
“Yeah, and shooting him is just as good,” I sneered back too angry to notice that he had said werewolf instead of dog. “Wait a minute,” I said a second later when I actually started to hear what he said. “How do you know that he’s a werewolf?”
“It’s obvious to anyone with basic reasoning,” he answered with a flip of his hand dismissively.
It was obvious to me that any form of conversation that we would be an argument so I shut my mouth and walked over to the window to see if I could see anything useful. As I crossed the room, I noticed that his eyes followed me through the mirror, but I tried to keep from looking like I noticed. I’m sure that he was just as curious about me as I was about him. He probably wondered if I was worth trying to save or not, and mentally, I was calling him several choice words that my mother wouldn’t approve of.
He watched her as she walked past. He though it was amusing the way that she threw her hair back and stuck her noise in the air when she was tried of arguing with him. The thing that struck him the most though was how grown up she acted for the most part despite of her age. While she walked past, he read her aura. There he saw sorrow, frustration, and worry, a lot of worry. Maybe he shouldn’t give her such a hard time; she was obviously worried about the werewolf. She was probably his girlfriend.
Just as she made it to the window though, he saw something in her aura that shocked him. He could see that she had power, a lot of it, but she didn’t know how to use it; that was evident or else she could have use it on the werewolf. She had to have some power anyway if she could tell that he was a werewolf; she didn’t seemed surprised by the news though she was surprised that he knew. She seemed like she knew a lot about this town; there might be some valuable information he could get from her.
“How do you know the werewolf?” he asked nonchalantly. He didn’t what to get her upset again or he wouldn’t get the information that he need from her. This was a very small town, and he was sure that she knew a lot of information about what happened around her and about the people who lived here.
"He's my brother," she said backing away from the window rather quickly to check out what was out the door. "We're about to be surrounded," she said closing the door and locking it again. Whatever she was feeling, she was hiding it rather well. She seemed so calm that he didn't realize what she had said at first.
"Surrounded?" he questioned as he moved towards the door, but she stopped him with a hand on his upper arm.
"He's almost at the door. We open it now; we won't be able to keep him out," she said and went back over to the window and looking out again. For a moment, he stopped to look at her to try to gather just how well she could handle herself because, if they were surrounded, they would more than likely have to split up.
"Who is surrounding us?" he asked. No matter how well she could take care of herself, he still had to know more details of what was going on. He had known about a werewolf, but he hadn’t heard anything about another werewolf or worse being in the area and working with it.
"The phantom is coming to the door, and the hell-dog is coming to the window," she said pointing at each in turn.
He dismissed her concern as naive. Ghosts were very little danger. Ghosts could generally just throw things around, but a werewolf could rip someone's arm off. Ghosts were mostly benevolent anyway. Yes, there were the seldom malevolent ones, but even they were mostly harmless.
"I'll take care of the dog if you take care of the phantom," she said as she started to prepare to climb out the window. It was almost like she had done it before.
"Compared to a ghost, the werewolf is the more dangerous foe; I'll take care of him," he countered and made his way over to the window to stop her. He took her by the arm and pulled her off the windowsill, supporting her until she was over the inertia. When she turned around to argue, he was standing close enough to realize just how short her 5'3" was compared to him. She had to look straight up to look him in the eye, and it made him want to laugh at her.
She didn't seem at all concerned or bothered by the height difference or how close he was standing to her. Instead, she looked rather upset and really angry. At first, he thought it was just because he had stopped her rather forcibly. Of course, when she spoke, that thought was dashed. "You just want to kill him," she said, fire in her eyes. "You don't care who he is or what he means to people."
"I don't want to kill him," he answered, a little confused. He truly had no idea why she though that he wanted to kill anyone. His goal was to bring the werewolf back to the academy so that he could be trained to use his power correctly. He didn’t wish to harm him at all.
She didn't appear to trust him, and his assurance only made her angrier. "You tried to shoot him before; the only reason you missed before was because I pushed your arm."
Now the entire incident made more sense to him. He wondered why she had forced him to miss, and now it all made sense. He held up his gun for her to examine. "It's a tranquilizer gun," he explained and let her hold it when she reached for it. She did surprise him though when she examined it like she used guns on a regular basis. Most women he knew preferred to stay as far away from the things as they could.
When I was done examining the gun to my satisfaction, I gave it back to him. He was right; it was just a tranquilizer gun. Now, I felt completely foolish. If I hadn’t have stopped him before, then we wouldn’t be in the situation and I could have had my brother back to our farm by now. We definitely wouldn’t have had to deal with the phantom and my brother at the same time. “Okay,” I said looking back up at him.
He still hadn’t moved and was less than an inch from me. His hand was still on my arm as if I needed him to stand up straight, which I didn’t. I had only ever needed a man to help me stand once, and I wasn’t about to drink that much alcohol ever again. At first, I didn’t notice our close proximity when he pulled me down from the windowsill because I was so angry with him, but now that I was calmer, it was a different story.
Though he was too old for me and taller than I liked, I had to admit that he was attractive. Then again, I always had a thing for brown hair, and he had the most gorgeous green eyes I had ever seen, which I understood didn’t say much due to the limited people I knew, our town was very small. I guess it was just my teenage hormones talking, but I was starting to feel uncomfortable with our proximity.
“Why don’t you use that gun of yours on the phantom?” I asked turning back towards the window again, but I heard him sigh in frustration behind me so I turned back around. He was giving me a dismissive, annoyed look as if I hadn’t been listening to him the first time, which I hadn’t since I knew more about the apparition than he did, more than I would have liked to know.
“You can’t use a tranquilizer gun on a ghost,” he said slowly as if I was stupid. “They’re incorporeal.” I had to smile at that; it seemed that he didn’t understand what I meant by phantom. I meant someone like in the Phantom of the Opera movie that I saw a few years ago. My brother had taken me into the city to see it after our father was hanged to cheer me up. Once again, it could have been my teen hormones, but that phantom guy had been hot, not that I liked my brother’s friend like that. A shutter ran down my back at that thought; I mean, eww.
“You’re right; ghosts are incorporeal. I said phantom, like in the Phantom of the Opera.” When he still looked at me like I had two heads, I returned the look. “You mean you haven’t seen the Phantom of the Opera? Shoot, I live in the middle of nowhere, and even I’ve seen it. Anyway, it’s more like he’s being controlled by something,” I told him.
“Controlled by something? How do you know this?” he asked, and I could tell by his lopsided eyebrows that he didn’t believe me.
“I had the unfortunate pleasure to be the phantom last year,” I said, and I was sure that I blushed. But I was sure that he would know what to do if I told him everything; he seemed so knowledgeable about the paranormal things like werewolves. “I couldn’t stop myself from what I was doing; it was like someone else was in charge of my body.”
He tisked and nodded his head, thinking for a moment. “It sounds to me like a possession. Do you know anyone that died recently what would have reason to terrorize the town?” he asked turning back to me.
Again, I was sure I blushed. “My father,” I answered. “He was hanged by the town for an act he didn’t commit.”
Again, he nodded his head. “I think that you will need to talk with this phantom. You may be able to calm him and get him to cross over, but first, we’ll need a place to lock him up so that he can’t hurt anyone and has to listen to you.”
That was an easy thing to manage. In fact, I had planned on locking my brother in one of the old horse stalls in the barn; we had to sell all of our horses to pay bills while my father was in jail. “I was going to lock my brother up in one of our old horse stalls. We could always do the same with the phantom; we have plenty of empty stalls.”
“Sounds like a good idea to me,” he said turning towards the door again, and I started to climb out of the window again. Before I was completely over though, he turned back to me and asked, “How do you plan on getting your brother back to your place?”
“Well,” I said pausing a little just because I wasn’t sure what he would like of my idea, “he’s still a dog, right? Werewolf or not, all dogs like to chase people when they run away from them.”
Though he didn’t object to my plan, he didn’t seem especially happy about it either. He walked over and handed me a single tranquilizer dart. “Just in case you need it,” he said looking into my eyes. “Good luck.”
“Thanks,” I said putting the dart into my pocket. “You too,” I said as I finally slipped out of the window. If everything went right, we would be back at my ranch soon.
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:43 pm
Chapter Two
As soon as I hit the ground, I had to start running because my brother was already on my heels. By the time that I made it to the end of town, I wasn’t sure if I could ran any more. My chest hurt so bad it was like it was it was threatening to close upon itself, but I couldn’t stop running. By the time I made it to the door of the barn, I was sure I would never be able to catch my breath again.
Despite my heavy breathing, I forced the barn door open and sprinted inside just before my brother pounced on me. If I had thought that he was close before, now I knew that he was close; ever couple of seconds I could feel his teeth barely miss my heels.
I quickly ran into the closest stall, but I tripped over something and landed in a heap on the ground. Much to my horror, I felt a sharp p***k in my leg where I had put the tranquilizer dart into my pocket. All at once, time seemed to slow down, and I got incredibly sleepy. But that was the least of my worries at the moment because my brother was flying through the air, jaws open, coming right for me. I put my hand forward just to ward him off and screamed, “No!”
To my surprise, a wall of light seemed to appear in front of me, causing my brother to hit it at full force and fall to the ground unconscious. Shakily, I stood up and made my way out of the stall. Barely able to keep my eyes open, I shut the door and locked it before slumping down to the floor. The last things I remember before the world went dark were a pair of black shoes and the feeling of being lifted.
*****
I woke up in my room looking into my mother’s worried face with no idea how I had gotten there or why my head hurt so much. I had a splitting headache; even the soft light coming in through my curtains sent unhappy sparks flying through my vision and the gentle sound of my mom’s knitting needles grating together was like a hammer to my temple. Trying to get away from the sound and light, I pulled my blankets up over my head and wrapped my pillow around it.
However, my mom had other ideas. She gently shook me, and I knew that she wouldn’t let me go back to sleep so I removed the pillow and blanket and tried to ignore the pain long enough to find out what she wanted. I had to focus really hard to understand what she was saying and to not cry from the pain.
“I know you don’t feel well, darling,” she said with a sympathetic smile, and I held back the sarcastic comment that ran through my mind. “Don’t feel well” was the understatement of the year; I didn’t remember ever being in this much pain before and that included the time I fell off my horse and fractured my arm in three separate places. Not that I was going to tell my mom any of that; it would make her worry and upset, and I didn’t want to worry or upset her. “But Mr. Lamont said he needed you back in the barn as soon as you were awake.”
For a moment, I couldn’t remember who this Mr. Lamont was, then I remembered. Tall, brunette, handsome, old, and annoying. I also remembered that my brother was out there probably still looking like a dog and ready to bite my arm off or my head or anything really. It was the thought of my brother than had me trying to get out of bed, but I was barely standing, and the room was tottering to a dangerous degree. There was no way that I was going to make it out to the barn by myself, and I wasn’t going to have my mom help me. If I was needed out there that badly, he could very well come and get me.
Mom seemed to notice that I wasn’t doing so well standing because she started to look worried and pushed me back down on the bed saying, “But I’m sure that they can wait a little bit. I’ll just cook something for them to eat and have you take it out to them; you just lay down while I get the food ready.” Then she turned to leave.
I stopped her at my doorway. “Mom, do you think you could bring me some of Martin’s migraine medicine?” I asked.
“Oh, Sweetie,” my mom said in reply, “you have one of your brother’s horrible headaches? No wonder why you can barely stand. I’ll bring the medicine and a cool towel right away.”
“Thanks, Mom,” I muttered as I started to go back to sleep. When my mom came back a few minutes later, I was already sound asleep again, but she woke me up to give me the medicine and put the towel on my face. After a while, it started to help so I got up and walked to my brother’s room. He would probably need some clothes once he changed back.
After grabbing my brother a change of clothes and a set of shoes, I went down to the kitchen and sat at the table. Whatever my mom was cooking, it smelled great. I wasn’t sitting there long when she turned around and jumped at the sight of me, apparently she wasn’t expecting me to be sitting there.
“Oh, my gosh,” she said as a hand flew to her chest as if to keep her heart from jumping out of it. “Don’t do that to me! If you’re going to be somewhere that I don’t expect, at least, make some noise when you do,” she said with a chuckle then continued cooking.
Watching my mom make dinner, I was struck by how different it was now than when my father was here. Back then, mom use to hum as she cooked; it wasn’t usually any song in particular, but she would always be humming. Now, she was silent when she cooked; it was just another thing that had changed with my father’s arrest and would never go back to the way it was.
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Posted: Mon Dec 07, 2009 4:08 pm
Sorry about the length. It's about 12 pages single spaced.
What don't you buy if anything?
Do you like where the chapter break is or should I move it down one section?
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Posted: Tue Dec 08, 2009 12:08 pm
Well, the first things I noted were the following:
Ellipses are only used to abridge quotations, technically, and to show the trailing off of a thought--verbally. I'd change the "..." to something else, like the more grammatically acceptable "—". Furthermore, it took me a couple of re-readings of "The minister and his rather small congregation believed it was a demon sent by Satan himself to punish the town for hanging an innocent man three years earlier. Others believed that it was the ghost of the man that wanted to punish the town for his death.", to understand the difference between the sentences. Perhaps you should make it more clear--like, "The minister.....believed it was a demon sent by Satan to punish....Others believed that it was not Satan, rather the ghost of the man..." And you might want to eliminate the repetition of the word "punish".
And also, why would Satan be punishing? Just asking.
And another note; one should not use contractions in prose unless it's a first-person narrative, in which case it is *technically* dialogue.
Ok, now I've gotten to Mark Spence. You haven't said what he was tried for, here, all we really know is whatever it was, it was serious enough to make his family outcasts and to get him hanged. Perhaps you should put that in there.
And also, in this sentence: " no one knew where the dog had been last year, no one except for Mariette Spence." Just a suggestion, perhaps you ought to separate the "No one knew....last year" and the "No one except for Mariette Spence." Just builds suspense.
And the fourth paragraph confuses the hell out of me. Sorry, but you switched tenses around on me, and suddenly it goes from talking about how she was the Phantom last year, to the entire day being hazy. Wait, what? While she was the Phantom, or right now?
Also, it sounds as though some time has passed between the last time and the now. It states "This year, she took extra precautions" as though it's been maybe a month or so since the last time. However, there are no clarifications as to that.
"blood-thirsty, hell-hound," No comma between these two.
"bit a slouch" Bit of a slouch.
And a note on these paragraphs. You're talking in first person, but you're not really putting us in the moment. It's ok, but it's a bit calm and passive for really being freaked out.
"personally, I would have much better miss heart beats over a hot guy than from fear" Revise, this is a bit awkward.
"knelling" Kneeling.
You need to check your comma use, cherie. Your writing is good, descriptively speaking, but the punctuation and usage needs a bit of brushing, and you're speaking passively quite a lot. That's it, really.
(I only did the first post. I'll do the other two presently.)
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Posted: Wed Dec 09, 2009 9:14 pm
Thank you so much for your thoughts, EE. A lot of what you said makes sense to me. I'll definitely take it into consideration for the revision.
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