|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bendii Straw Vice Captain
|
 Posted: Mon Dec 21, 2009 5:36 pm
A castaway in the shadows
He dreams of dancing meadows
And love everlasting
His mind always casting
Always rejected and lame
Not one flicker of fame
His mercury wish Playing,
Silent like a fish
An obsession with one girl
To him, a beautiful pearl
In despair, he found her ribbon, gold
She wasn’t to know the ribbon he would forever hold
She was cool, but he was not
To her he was not even rot
He was teased and poked
Til one day he choked
They found him hung
From the ribbon gold he was strung
His idol shed a tear
She imagined now, how he lived in fear.
His fault was to love
But to the side people would shove,
This boy who didn’t try to be cool
His peers, cold and cruel.
The boy had done no wrong
They just didn’t want him to belong.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 12:31 pm
I love it!
But this part:
"Always rejected and lame
Not one flicker of fame
His mercury wish Playing,
Silent like a fish"
i think this could use some rewording. I'm not a fan of the "lame" i'm not sure what term could replace it. But something doesn't seem quite right with this whole verse.
But that was the only issue i saw. It's really quite good.
|
|
|
|
|
|
mr cloudies best friend Captain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Bendii Straw Vice Captain
|
Posted: Tue Dec 22, 2009 4:39 pm
mr cloudies best friend I love it! But this part: "Always rejected and lame Not one flicker of fame His mercury wish Playing, Silent like a fish" i think this could use some rewording. I'm not a fan of the "lame" i'm not sure what term could replace it. But something doesn't seem quite right with this whole verse. But that was the only issue i saw. It's really quite good.
Thank you dear.
I know, I too have an issue with that verse, but I wrote it so long ago I kind of stopped tweaking it.
I should really get onto that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 23, 2009 4:39 pm
Bendii Straw mr cloudies best friend I love it! But this part: "Always rejected and lame Not one flicker of fame His mercury wish Playing, Silent like a fish" i think this could use some rewording. I'm not a fan of the "lame" i'm not sure what term could replace it. But something doesn't seem quite right with this whole verse. But that was the only issue i saw. It's really quite good.
Thank you dear.
I know, I too have an issue with that verse, but I wrote it so long ago I kind of stopped tweaking it.
I should really get onto that.
Yeah it wasn't awful by any means. Just felt a little off.
|
|
|
|
|
|
mr cloudies best friend Captain
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Reply
