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RosesFallingLikeRain

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:40 pm


Hiya, I just figured that I could use help with my NaNo.
I want to finish it, but I don't care how.
I'll put four chapters in each post.

Comments/crit/suggestion are welcomed.
PostPosted: Fri Jan 15, 2010 10:42 pm


Prologue:
Such a Pity.

"Memories cannot possibly fade." Said the girl, gazing into his blue eyes.
"The only thing I can not possibly remember in exact detail is how lovely you are, for every time and again that I see you, 'tis like I have never before been astounded by your beauty." He replied to her.
"That fools me not, for I know that all beauty in this world pales in comparison as I see you face." And with that, they danced. T'was like no dance ever performed, no dance ever before seen or comprehended, for these two people were surrounded in such elegance that any other person would've been meant to flail and die at such prettiness.
And I knew this, as I watched. I have known this for such a long time, hoping, praying, waiting for a moment when it would not be true. I sighed, wishing so desperately that I may someday be surrounded by such a level of elegance as they.
For they were in love, and it seemed to me like they never would come out of it.

Chapter One:
Pants
"Where the hell are my pants?!" Came the usual screech, signalling to everyone in the house that it was indeed, a Monday. And as usual on a Monday, random noises of displeasure were heard.
"Shut up Emily!" I screeched back, thoroughly pissed off at her, which as again, usual on a Monday. I threw on some pants and ran downstairs. Emily was outraged as I came down, and it took me a moment to realize why. These weren't my pants.
"Why the hell are you wearing my pants?" She fumed.
"They were in my room. I don't know why." I explained tiredly.
"Well, get your own, I want my pants on!" She whined.
"Jeez, I'm not taking them off in front of everybody eating breakfast!" I stated irritatedly.
"I don't care, just hurry up."
"What, you want breakfast and a show?" I grumbled, heading upstairs to find my own pants. I decided to just get dressed, and I threw one a dark blue teeshirt, and a jean skirt with black leggings. So I decided to skip the pants today.
As I walked out of my room, Emily shoved past me, grabbing her pants from my hand. I just decided to go downstairs and eat something. My morning routine was pretty normal, breakfast, brush teeth and hair, go to school, all that good stuff.
Emily's brown hair was pretty much all I saw as she passed me on the stairs.
"What's your beef? Did you forget a shirt this time?" I asked pointedly.
"No, dipwad, I'm late!" She squealed, grabbing her shoes and running through the door barefoot. Again, we heard her squeal, as she hollered something about snow.
"Relax, Maddie, she's only freaked because she doesn't realize that I put her clock an hour ahead. She's not really late." Gwen laughed.
"So you make her screech even earlier than she normally does?' I asked sarcastically. I was not happy. My sisters got along terribly, even though they were twins.
"Anyways, if I don't hurry up, I'll be late. Bye Maddie!" She said, putting her boots on before following calmly in Emily's footsteps.
And so, I was left alone. There was still a good hour before I had to go to school.
I was about to go on the computer, but I heard a loud siren go off outside. I rushed to the window to see several armed me around the steps leading to my front door.
I opened the door, and before I knew it, a small bunny was hopping towards me, and most of the men were running away.
I bent to reach for the white and brown bunny, but it sank it's teeth into my arm like I had offered it a chunky piece of meat.

The world began spinning, and I didn't last long before I fell asleep, not knowing what happened to the vicious little bunny.

Chapter Two:
Ack.

"Be thou alright, Milady?"
"Who the hell are you?" I asked bluntly, to the rather short tin man standing above me.
"Well, you seem rather alright." He said rather stupidly as I stood up.
"Markail, who is that?" Came a rather exasperated voice.
"Just some girl, Ethan" The young boy, Markail, said. It almost sounded like he'd never seen a girl before.
"Don't see many of them around here, anymore." The older guy said, coming around the corner, which lead me to take a better look at my surroundings. I was in a bit of a rut, and it looked like I was just outside of a large city. The little boy I had been talking to looked like he was half my height, and dressed in an old, but tiny suit of armor. "Hey, Miss. What are you doing out here?" The older one asked, I didn't answer. He was quite tall, with longish light hair. His outfit seemed much closer to what I was wearing: Typical casual wear.
"Who are you?" I asked, not quite sure where I was.
"That's not important. Don't you remember anything, like why you're out here, who you are, where you should be?" He asked, seeming worried.
"Why should I? I know who I am, what happened, sort of." I said. "My name is--" I was cut off as he pressed his hand against my mouth.
"Shush for a second. You obviously don't know what's going on. I'll explain later, but you need to trust me. Will you?" He said in a muted voice, that was very hurried. All I could do was think for a second, before he grabbed my shoulders, tiny compared to his hands, and squeezed them lightly.
"How do I know you won't--" I started, loudly.
"Look, a girl is not the best thing to be when you live here. You'll need our help now or later, because we'll be the only ones to help you. If you don't let us help you now, it'll be one hell of a lot harder for you to get out of this mess. Do you get it?" He asked harshly, shaking me a bit. I nodded, only because I was incredibly afraid of what was happening. "Will you trust me?" I nodded again, nearly in tears. "Okay, I've got some extra clothes that I carry around with me, mostly because of my job. You need to change into them." He said, shoving a bag into my arms. Both boys turned around, and in the semi-darknes, I looked through the bag, finding pants, a shirt, overshirt and cap. I threw them on overtop of my regular clothes, not wanting to lose them.
It was a bit hard for me to keep everything up, as my frame was considerably smaller.
"I'm done." I said nervously. They turned around, expressions showing me just how much I failed at looking like a guy.
"What was I supposed to do?" I nearly shouted after they had been staring at me for a couple seconds. His hand was over my mouth once more and I wanted to slap him.
"Just act like a guy. We've got to get you somewhere safe." He said quickly, grabbing my wrist and pulling me towards the city. I struggled, praying to god that I wasn't going to get murdered or something of the like. He pulled me through the streets, and I tried not to look like such a girl.
"Don't say anything to anyone." He warned me. I nodded, and he pulled me into a dingy apartment. There were several men complaining on the lowest floor, but I was quickly pulled into the elevator. I tried opening my mouth to ask him something, now that the three of us were alone, but he shot me a glare, and I quickly shut my mouth again.
Once we were out, he pulled me through the dark hallways, to the other side of the building, where we took another elevator. My questions were killing me just as much as my fear of how badly this would turn out. When we reached the attic, he turned to me, put a finger to his lips and threw a conveniently-placed blanket over the camera stationed above the elevator entrance.
“What are you doing?” I asked quickly.
“You can change back, now.” He said.
“What’s going on?” I asked.
“Markail, bed.” The older guy said, and Markail walked away quietly. The older boy sat down on the couch, and I repeated the action. “Women aren’t common here.” He said in a hushed whisper.
“Why not?” I persisted.
“Nobody really knows, but girls just stopped being born as frequently. The point is, women are treated like gold.”
“I thought you meant being female was a bad thing, when you madethat comment.”
“It is bad, if you don’t like being put in a room with barely any other human contact, doing things with men all day.”
“Explain.” I said curtly, pursing my lips like my mother always did.
“I used to be a servant in the residence. The women are put into rooms, given anything they want, but are not to be let out. There are about one hundred women left in the world. If you’re living in the residence, you are given almost everything. As a servant,you are given one woman to tend to, under specific, strict regulations, guidelines and rules.”
“Why don’t you serve anymore?”
“Leave it to the woman to ask. I stopped meeting the requirements.”
“The attitude requirements?”
“No.” he responded.
“Just general rude—“
“I got stabbed.”
“Oh.” I said, rather ashamed of how much I had prodded.
“I didn’t get along with one of the other guys. Came after me with a spork.” I twitched.
“you were stabbed with a spork?” He nodded.
“He came after my eyes. T’was freaky. Thought it would go straight to my brain and kill me.” He warned. I stared at him, feeling rather stupid.
“Only? Do you know how much damage a spork would do to your eyes?”
“Yes, but it doesn’t seem too—“
“Maybe I should just give you over to the residence?”
“No. I need to get out of here, back to where I came from.”
“How’d you get here, anyways?” He asked me.
“I don’t quite know. All I remember is getting bitten by a rabbit.”
“Little grey thing?”
“Yeah, how’d you know?”
"I guessed. I saw a little grey rabbit on the street earlier."
"Not fair." I whined.
"Why? I guessed right, didn't I?"
"Doesn't matter." I huffed.
"You're right. It doesn't. We need to figure out what to do with you." He said, leaning forward on the counch, resting his head in his hands, his elbows on his knees.
“True.” I replied, unsure of anything right now.
“Would you be alright hiding in here for the time being?" He asked.
"A girl living with two guys?" I asked skeptically.
"Well I could throw you into the streets and let you fend for yourself." He replied.
"Fine." I pouted.
"Not my fault you came here."
"It's not mine either, mind you. I don't even know how it happened."
"True enough."
"Enough? You mean you don't believe me?"
"What's there to believe or to doubt?"
"You're kidding me, right?"
"Maybe I am."
"Jerkface."
"I repeat, maybe I am." He smirked.
"Oh you are, there's no doubt there." I huffed.
"Chair or couch?"
"What?"
"I said chair or couch?"
"Chairs are better."
"Alright." He said, standing up and walking off. He came back a minute later with four blankets, tossed two on the couch next to me and two on the only armchair in the room.
"Why're you sleeping on the couch?"
"Only one bed in our apartment. I gave it to Markail."
"Oh. If you want the chair, you can have it, y'know."
"No, I usually sleep on the couch." He said. I stood up and started to fix the blankets on my temporary bed. "It gets pretty chilly at night, if you need another blanket, just wake me up and I'll get you one."
"Thank you." I said, looking upon my 'bed' with someting far from admiration. He must've caught me looking like that, because he let out a small chuckle.
"It's no problem." He said, climbing under his blankets and I quickly did the same. After a moment he sat up. "By the way, if you're hungry at all, the kitchen and bathroom are down the hall. There's no door to the kitchen, and the bathroom is directly across from it."
"Okay, thank you." I said tossing a bit, hoping that I'd be able to sleep, even though it felt like it was still midday.
After a while of thinking about my sisters though, I became tired. The darkness was complete, and all I could hear was his breathing.

Chapter Three

"Wake up, woman." I was being shaken roughly. I opened one of my eyes, rather disappointed that I hadn't been dreaming. I was about to open my other eye when something heavy landed on my stomach.
"Markail, you're too big to do that!" The boy from last night said. I curled up in pain. Damn that kid. Maybe I'd kill him today.
'Ooooh, he better apologize for that.' I thought angrily.
"Sorry, you alright?" Markail asked. I groaned in response. How the hell could I be okay when I felt like my organs were slowly expanding back to their original capacity?
Now I knew how a rubber duck felt when it was squeezed and why it squeaked.
"Are you alright?" The older boy asked cautiously.
"Somewhat." I groaned. He put his hand on my shoulder.
"Markail, go make yourself some breakfast, get yourself to school today, alright?" He said. Markail just nodded and scurried off. "Sorry. He's overly eccentic in the morning, I don't know why." He apologized.
"God, how much coffee do you give him each morning?" I asked sarcastically.
"Four cups." He responded, ignoring my sarcasm with a serious answer.
"Are you friggen' kidding me?" I asked.
"Nope." He replied, grinning.
"You are totally kidding." I said, unamused.
"No, I'm not." He started laughing.
"Cut down his coffee intake. No wonder he's so short." I heard a yell from the kitchen.
"I think he heard you." The older guy chuckled.
"I think he might've." I said, watching Markail run outside quickly.
"There he goes." He sighed. "He'll be back in about six hours."
"Okay. Will you please tell me who you are, now?" I asked.
"Doesn't really matter, does it?" He asked.
"How could it not matter? If I'm here for a while, I should at least know your name."
"I don't know yours."
"Madison."
"Ethan. Nice to meet you, Mattie." He replied.
"Mattie?" I asked skeptically.
"Yeah. We can't call you Madison in public, they'll come arrest us and ship you off to the residence." He said.
"Ah, I see." I said. "But why would you be talking about me?"
"I don't know, but just in case." He said.
"What are we going to do if someone finds out about me?" I asked curiously.
"Well, we hide your... Womanly... Erm... benefits, and make you look more like a guy."
"You are not cutting my hair."
"We will if we need to." He replied.
"No. You won't." I said back.
"Have it your way, then." He said.
"I will."
"You will get caught."
"Says who?"
"Says Ethan"
"In third person?"
"Quite."
"Why third person?"
"Because I thought it suited the conversation nicely."
"Are you gay?" I asked blatantly.
"To be honest, no."
"So you'd be lying if you said you were gay?" I asked, before realizing just how stupid my question truly was.
"I guess." He said, sounding rather confused. It seemed to me like he was worse than my mother without coffee in the morning.
That reminded me...
Coffee.
I wanted coffee.
"Do you have any coffee?" I asked.
"Yeah, there's a couple cups left in the pot." He replied. "Why?"
"May I have some?" I asked, looking at him, vaguely wondering if 'morning stupidity' was on the list of viable mental disorders. I would've thought upon the subject longer, but I started smelling the coffee.
The scent of the beans, the way they smelled when the can was freshly opened, how disgusting the wet grinds were when you had to put them in the garbage in order to make a new pot, the annoyingness of getting grounds in your mouthwhen you took the last cup of coffee, I loved it!
I longed for something normal, I guess, which was probably why I wanted coffee. They had coffee here, they had coffee at home, it's normal. Everything about coffee is normal. I loved coffee, it was a fact of life.
I ran into the kitchen, and Ethan pointed me towards the cupboard where I assumed the cups were. Instead, when I opend it, the coffeepot fell on my head.
"Oh geez, I am so sorry, are you okay?" Ethan asked. I rubbed my head.
"Why the hell was the coffee pot in your cupboard, are you trying to kill me?" I asked harshly.
"No." He looked hurt, but I went on.
"Geez, I know I've been a pain thus far, but I'd just throttle me or something if I wanted to kill me, it's much less painful, and I'd be rid of myself much quicker." I rambled. It wasn't until I saw his half amused, half confused expression that I realized I had been mumbling.
"Are yu sure you're alright?" He asked suspiciously.
"Yes, I'm fine." I replied.
"Good, 'cause you nearly broke the coffee pot." He said.
"Coffee pot? Oh yeah. Is the coffee still in there?" I asked.
"Yeah, I'll get you a cup."
"Five sugar, three cream." I said.
"Alright, you take the exact opposite that I do." He said.
"Seriously? Oh my god, awesome!" I said.
"If you do that again, I'll throw the coffee pot at you, myself." He replied non-chalantly.
"You wouldn't dare." I said challengingly. He stared at me for a second, before bluffing. The coffee pot opened, and the last bit of coffee came down on him, drenching his shirt.
"Damnit!" He cussed. I started laughing when he walked off to change his shirt.
I waked over to see if he had poured my coffee yet.
"Damn." I said, to no one in particular. "Why didn't he pour my coffee?"
"Because you are an idiot." I heard. That definately wasn't Ethan.
"Hello?" I asked.
"I bid you farewell, my fair idiot, before I smack you with a fish." And with that, the voice faded. Ethan walked in.
"Hello." He said.
"What?"
"You said 'Hello' while I was coming down the hall. So, Hi." He explained.
"No, there was someone talking in here." I said.
"There shouldn't be. Only Markail and me live here." He said.
"Oh, I must've heard somebody from a lower floor, then." I said. And then a pair of large, toned men walking into the room. Each grabbed one of my arms, hauling me away.

Chapter Four

I was tossed into a room with an old woman.
"Have a seat, Miss Amy." She said. "Now, I do understand why you left, but you must know by now that with female rarity increasing, we cannot have that." She said, pursing her lips.
"My name is--" I began.
"Hush. Don't you know to hold your tongue?" She questioned.
"Well, literally I do, but figuratively, I'm not so good at it." She slapped me.
"Take her to her room. Solitary." The woman stated angrily. The guards just noded and picked me up once more. They walked down the hall, where I was thrown into a dark room without windows. The threw me in forcefully, shutting the door quickly behind me. There was a voice, but I couldn't tell where it was coming from.
"Would you lke to eat, Miss Amy?" It said. I shook my head, realizing that it couldn't see me. "Miss Amy?" It said, before a clicking noise. Another voice took over the intercom, the woman from before.
"You are being kept is solitary, Miss Amy. If you need anything at all to maintain yourself, please feel free to call one of the labourers using the intercom. Just press the button next to the lightswitch, next to the door. As you can see, the room is padded, for we wouldn't want you to hurt yourself." Click! And she was gone. I stumbled over to the door, the only part of the wall that wasn't heavily padded. My hand felt a button, and then a switch. I quickly heard a man's voice.
"Dearest mistress, is there anything you would like?" I thought for a minute.
"Yes. May I please have someone to come tell me what is going on?" I asked, trying my hardest to be polite. Another voice responded, this one more gruff than the other one.
"I'm sorry Miss, we're not permitted to visit those in solitary." He said.
"Oh, then may I please have something to eat, and some coffee, if there is any?" I asked.
"As you desire, Miss." And with that, there was a click! and silence.
After a minute, the intercom came back on, and a meek-sounding, male voice was on the other end.
"Miss? I was wondering if there was anything specific you'd like to eat, and how you like your coffee."
"I take my coffee with five sugar, and three cream, and I'd be happy with a bowl of cereal." I replied.
"What kind of cereal would you like, Miss? And would you like some sugar with it?"
"No sugar, thank you, and any kind of cereal will do."
"Alright, thank you, Miss, I will be up in a moment to bring your meal." Click, and silence.
I waited, and soon, the large door was opened, and a boy who appeared very young walked in, turning on the light switch, and balancing the tray on his other hand.
"I'm not supposed to ask this, but would you like me to stay with you while you eat?" He asked, walking straight past me, setting the tray on a table in the corner.
"Why are you asking, if you're not supposed to?" I asked.
"Because I know you are not Miss Amy." He said cheerily. It was like he was a small child who just correctly answered a question from a tv show.
"Oh. How'd you know?" I questioned.
"All the labourers know already. Miss Amy was a cruel, stuck up, egotistical little b***h." He said, even more cheerily. I was rather creeped out. He gestured to the only chair at the table. "Your meal awaits."
"Thank you." I said quietly, sitting down at the table.
"I'll tell you about everything here, you just eat." He said, and I began to do so. I didn't want it to get soggy. "I know that you know a bit about this place. Ethan's a good friend of mine. I'm going to bust you out of here. I know you're not from this world, because neither am I. I don't know how quickly I'll be able to get you out, but I will. Until then, I suggest you learn your new roll. You'll need to get out of solitary, and you do that by behaving the way Lady Elanore expects you to." I raised and eyebrow at the name. "The headmistress." He corrected. I nodded in understanding.
"Nobody knows how she does it, but Lady Elanore has a way of changing people, especially other ladies." He stated. "So you need to remind yourself of who you are every single day." He stood up, grabbing paper and a pencil. He wrote down some things. "Look in a mirror, tell yourself your name, your age, where you're from, what you like, what you don't, and what makes you different from everyone else." I nodded again.
I finished the cereal, so I started drinking the coffee. "You'll do fine. You seem like a smart kid." We both heard a beeping noise. "I gotta go, they need me." And with that, he bowed and left the room. "I shall see you again soon, Miss Amy." He said with a wink, before shutting the door. I drank the rest of my coffee in silence, looking at the paper he had left me. Suggestions to help me remember myself. After I had the coffee, I looked around the room.
There was another door, which I walked over to. I opened it to find a bathroom, stocked with everything that I would require as a female. The cupboards had make up, girly supplies, and everything else I could think of to put in a bathroom.
Walking out, there were several large wardrobes directly across the room from the bathroom door, taking up the entire wall. I opened it to find many dresses in the first, uniforms in another, pants, shirts and skirts in another, one devoted entirely for shoes, from heavy boots, to dainty strappy heels, and the last was full of drawers containing all kinds of jewellery, hats, scarves and gloves.
On the left side of the large bed, there was a full body mirror, and on the right was a bedside shelf, with tiny trinkets, music boxes, an alarm clock and snow globes. Next to the shelf, there was a stack of drawers, containing paper, sketchbooks, pencils, pens, markers, colored pencils, crayons, scissors, thread, a wide assortment of needles, and all kinds of paints. There was a knock on the door, and it opened.
"Hello, Miss Amy. I see you are taking a look around this room. As you can see, there are most materials needed for nearly any kind of hobby. There are unpainted porcelain statuettes on the shelf, a computer ontop of that wardrobe, and anything you find yourself wanting, you may call the labourers for." Lady Elanore said, appraising my reaction. I nodded quietly. "Do not fret about calling our labourers too much, for there is always someone to satisfy your need for anything." She said before leaving the room.

RosesFallingLikeRain

Desirable Businesswoman

11,550 Points
  • Brandisher 100
  • Flatterer 200
  • Full closet 200

Kita-Ysabell

Distinct Conversationalist

PostPosted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 4:08 am


Formatting and Prologue:

Double-spaced line breaks? Please? In between paragraphs? Would be much appreciated.

And... I honestly have no idea what's going on in the prologue. Is this a movie? a dream? Is everybody at a ball? Why are they all using antiquated forms of speech?

And there's some grammar errors, and some grammar rough spots, but I won't get into that.

And... there's a serious lack of detail and sensory perception here. I mean, the only actual fact that we're given is that his eyes are blue. I don't know where they are, I don't know what "elegance" refers to, I really don't know why these people are so special, or if they really are so special.

But let's get back to "elegance". Is their dance itself what's elegant? If so, why? What kind of dance are they doing? Ballet? Waltz? Is there music playing?

Or are they wearing really fancy clothes, in a really fancy room? "Elegance" tends to have an extra connotation of wealth, so are they just really wealthy?

And their dialog is... it sounds scripted. I don't know if this is what you intended, or whether you intended to have two people professing their heartfelt love for one another. I feel like the line "memories cannot possibly fade" is going to pop up later in the story. In fact, I feel like it's going to pop up a lot all throughout the story.

But if you're trying to have two people professing their heartfelt love for each other, maybe you shouldn't have them talk about how pretty each one thinks the other is. Yes, this is one of those things that people in love do, but this is all we see of this couple, so maybe something more focused on internal qualities or something that could be summed up as "wow, we really love each other" would feel more genuine.

But mostly, I'm just puzzled, and not in a particularly good way.

More later. Possibly.
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